Blizza Blizza

"The ODB couldn'tve possibly committed all those crimes. Coolio did some of that shit."

And now we have proof.

This has been another public service announcement reminding you to stay off the crack.

"Judge files appeal notice in $54-million missing pants suit":

A judge who lost a $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner over a missing pair of pants continues to press his suit.

In the Continuing Misadventures of People Who Are High On Crack, an as-yet-unnamed 25-year-old motorist shot himself in the head while driving his Chevy Blazer after leading police on a highway chase during which he brandished a revolver, smoked crack, and laughed at the officers chasing him.

CLN salutes you, Mr. Crack Smoking Highway Multitasker, with the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Just learn how to dance and you'll have them all over you.

Not sure those are the kind of ladies I'd want to meet, though. (Click for full-size image.)

(via Dave Barry)

It's time for Mike Rowe to go on a road trip to Romania. Key quote:

The carcasses are rotting amid heat of 38C, just metres from a main road.

That's 100 degrees Fahrenheit for you non-metric types.

And for the record, "Huge Meat Pile" would be a great name for a death metal band.

"Hey, Darren, you know what would be really fun?"
"What, Dave?"
"If we cut the roof and doors off a crappy car and then drove it as fast as we can over a jump into a lake."
"Wow, yeah, that sounds like a great idea! You get the car, and I'll build the jump out at my parents' abandoned quarry!"
"Oh, hey, Darren?"
"Yes, Dave?"
"Do you think it matters that neither you nor I knows how to swim?"
"No, probably not. We'll just magically float to the shore after the car sinks."
"Oh yeah. That should work fine."

Except it didn't work fine. These two Greeley, Colorado geniuses went through with their plan, which went off without a hitch except for that last little detail. David Griego, 18, drowned after the car landed in the lake because, well, he couldn't swim. Neither could any of the bystanders who were out there to observe this stunt. Your Darwin Award will be on its way shortly.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

The enterprising, 18-year-old Damion Mosher gets today's award after shooting himself in the gut while crushing live ammunition with a hammer (!) to salvage the scrap brass, which he intended to sell to the local metal recycler for $1.70 per pound. How many pounds of spent shell casings does it take to pay for an ER visit to remove a .223 round from one's abdomen? I only ask because Mr. Mosher might benefit from this information.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

It's time again for everyone's favourite Internet game show, Linux Programmer or Saddam Hussein!

You, the contestant, will be presented with a series of images. You must choose whether each is a photo of a Linux programmer or Saddam Hussein.

Ready? Good.

Question 1:

Question 2:

Question 3:

Jared Anderson, in a shining example of What Not To Do, set his genitals on fire in an attempt to re-create a stunt from "Jackass" wherein a character...set his genitals on fire.

Shockingly enough, Anderson suffered burns to his genitals from this little stunt.

In other news, water is wet.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

OK, that's it. I can't take it any more. Please make this guy stop humping a turnstile every time I log into Yahoo Mail.

It's just creepy.

An unnamed California computer tutor was killed in a head-on collision yesterday when his 1991 Honda Accord wandered across the centerline and collided head-on with a Hummer.

Why would a perfectly good car wander across the centerline and collide with oncoming traffic, you ask? Why, because the driver was too busy working on his laptop to notice that he had crossed said centerline, of course.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Looks like this year's Darwin Awards are shaping up nicely.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Ann Greenfield, a 34-year-old middle school teacher in Murray, Kentucky, was arrested after paging a state trooper in an attempt to buy marijuana.

"Man, I knew I shoulda put my dealer in my five."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

A 25-year-old University of Michigan senior was killed in Thailand earlier this month "when he stuck his head off the side of the train and was knocked off by a pole, or something hanging from a pole." I'm still not clear as to whether or not Mr. Keep-your-hands-and-feet-inside-the-vehicle-at-all-times was actually decapitated or simply killed by the combined impact of being bonked in the head and subsequently falling off a moving train, but either way...

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Note to self: if ever arrested for possession of illegal drugs, be sure to have family members remove the rest of the drugs from my safe before bringing it down to the jail to bail me out.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Mathematicians have finally proven that leaving the toilet seat down is not the most efficient means of utilising a standard home toilet. How can this not win an Ig Nobel Prize?

(via Dave Barry)

In a late entry to the "Best of 2006" category, I give you:

Nude wet meat soil bandit caught

It is a tribute to what went on that day that the fact its protagonist is called Colt Langstaff and lives in a town called Cool is by far the most boring thing about this story (which we sincerely hope is true).

We sincerely hope it is true too, because that's a story for the ages.

This would be a lot funnier if it had happened to someone who had not yet managed to pass on her DNA not once, not twice, but three times. See, survival of the fittest only works if the unfit can't survive long enough to reproduce.

A 28-year-old California woman is dead of water intoxication after drinking an incredibly large volume of water in a short period of time as part of a radio station's contest to win a Nintendo Wii.

"I was talking to her and she was a nice lady," [a fellow contestant] said. "She was telling me about her family and her three kids and how she was doing it for her kids."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

You'd think a senior vice president in charge of flight operations at a major airline would have a pretty good handle on world geography.

Of course, since I'm posting this here, you'd be wrong.

Tim Rainey, of Northwest:

We had that airplane flying in Asia as far as Singapore and had it in the Atlantic all the way down to Bombay, India.

If anyone can explain what Rainey was trying to say, I'm listening.

A shared award is presented to these two geniuses, as detailed in a Florida newspaper's 2006 in review:

An Orange County sheriff's deputy was in uniform and sitting in his marked patrol car when a man walked up to him an asked if he wanted to buy some cocaine. The deputy said yes, the man pulled out a bag with cocaine and the officer arrested him.

Another man doubted whether the crack cocaine he bought was real, so he asked two uniformed Tampa police officers to verify. They did. It was. He was arrested.

Adrian Apgar, you are the smartest man alive. You got high on crack, then swam in an alligator-infested pond.

The story also has the best lead in the history of journalism:

In further news of the misadventures of people who are naked, a naked man on crack was pulled from the jaws of an alligator in Florida on Wednesday.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Soon to be a major motion picture starring Samuel L. Jackson: Soap in a Microwave!

"Iraqi president says Democrats told him they will not pull out quickly"

Yes, because while we're in the middle of fucking a nation right in its ass, we want to be sure that it gets satisfied too.

This is brilliant. Thank you, CNN.

Silent plane would cut airport noise

In related news, water is wet, and fire burns you.

In the ongoing contest between criminals and mind-altering substances, the criminals just lost another round. A 29-year-old Jackson man is now in jail after admitting at a party, presumably where alcohol was being served, that he "shot a guy in the head."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Those sneaky reporters over at the Associated Press are going to face the Wrath of Shaq after this one.

Shaq detests NBA's new balls

On a related note, someone should remind Shaq that 100 years ago, basketball was only 15 years old, and the NBA was founded in 1946.

Yaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! In honour of International Talk Like a Pirate Day and the ongoing feud between ninjas and pirates, Blizza Blizza is proud to present a discussion of the relative merits of the two schools of combat.

Pirates fly the Jolly Roger, an awesome flag. Ninjas fly. Advantage: push.

Ninjas flip out and kill whole towns because somebody dropped a spoon. No pirate has ever or could ever do that. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have the coolest language. No ninja ever said the words "booty," "wench," or "Avast!" Advantage: pirates.

Ninjas are experts at flipping out and killing people, sometimes taking on as many as several hundred enemies at once. Pirates attack in a large group, taking on weaker foes. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates, on the other hand, can fight -- and win -- with only one eye, one-and-a-half legs, one hand, a hook, and a parrot on their shoulder. Ninjas require all limbs and good vision to be effective. Advantage: pirates.

Pirates get Keira Knightley. Ninjas get...Bruce Lee? Advantage: pirates, big time.

However, ninjas get to pork babes so hot that steam comes out of the babes' hair and/or ears. Pirates get...Kiera Knightley. Nobody wants sloppy seconds. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have cool names involving the colour of their facial hair. Ninjas are anonymous. Advantage: pirates.

Chuck Norris, despite his beard and occasional limp, is clearly a ninja. Since nobody has ever defeated Chuck Norris... Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have cannon, pistols, guns, and swords. Ninjas bring a bo staff and numchucks to a gun fight. Advantage: pirates.

Ninjas have good teeth. Pirates have wooden dentures. British wooden dentures. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates sail ships anywhere they please on the high seas, pillaging at will. A ninja's primary mode of transportation is his own two feet. Advantage: pirates.

Pirates had their heyday in the 1600s. Ninjas are upstairs, right now, waiting to kill you silently in your sleep with a toothbrush. Advantage: ninjas.

Either Chuck Norris (obviously), Bruce Lee, or Jackie Chan could take on Jack Sparrow and his entire crew, all at once, with one hand, while simultaneously impregnating Jack's girlfriend with ninja triplets, in their sleep. Advantage: ninjas.

Ninjas wail on jet-red guitars so hard that it makes pirates' boners explode with a whistling sound. Pirates play primitive musical instruments and sing poorly, destroying boners in a less spectacular (but similarly effective) fashion. Advantage: push.

Courtesy of the Department of Hitting You Over the Head with the Blindingly Obvious:

Strip clubs appeal nude dance ban

Well, yeah. What'd you expect them to do, applaud it?

Jon Jansen, former University of Michigan offensive lineman, now playing with the Washington Redskins in the NFL, when asked to clarify his statement last week that "maybe 15, 20 percent" of NFL players use illegal performance-enhancing substances:

[W]hat [I] meant was that it was a small number of players, and being a football player, [I'm] not really good at math.

I swear I am not making this up.

Omed Aziz just had to go for a drive. He had been injured in a bomb attack in his native Iraq, and he wanted some semblance of normalcy to return to his life in England. So he put on his sunglasses, ignored the severe tremors in his legs, pretended he wasn't missing several fingers, and strained against his near-deafness to hear what his passenger was saying.

Which was important, because his passenger was serving as his navigator.

You see, Aziz also lost his eyes in that explosion.

No, I'm not kidding.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel

Amazing.

In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

Guess my ticker's down to about 14 now. I just had a submission posted on Dave Barry's blog.

ABC wins the award this time:

Dangerous John Coming Closer to Mexico

An Allen Park police officer is recovering from injuries suffered when his car was slammed into him by a teenage driver distracted by sending a text message on his cell phone.

Yes, really. As Dave Barry is so fond of saying, a Florida driver's licence is on its way.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

The syllogistic logic of John Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister of Great Britain (who may have, in fact, been channeling a famous professor of logic in addition to Mike Myers):

Premise: If it's not Scottish, it's crap!
Premise: The Middle East peace process is being handled by George Bush, who not only does not represent Scotland, but is not even a little Scottish.

Logical conclusion: Dubya's idea of a peace process is crap!

Larvae on a Bike, specifically this photo.

(via Dave Barry)

We here at the blog would like to remind everyone that playground equipment and motor vehicles do not mix.

Fie on Jalopnik for calling a piece of junk scooter a "crotch rocket", though. Eeediots.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Thanks to Todd for the forward, which I've turned into a blog entry.

Zidane recently remarked in a press conference that the infamous head butt was a result of repeated sister and mom jokes. The below serves to remind us that it's important to hear both sides of the argument and to take into account different points of view.

As seen by the Germans:

As seen by the French:

As seen by the Italians:

As seen by the Americans:

As seen by the Bild-Zeitung (a German tabloid):

"Pete" wins today's award, and possibly this month's award, and maybe even this year's award, for his amazingly clueless "March Together for Life" blog entry entitled "Murder without conscience".

Having 634 people (now 635, including this entry) call him a giant raging idiot for taking satire seriously was apparently not enough, though. The guy can't admit he's wrong, either, a fact which a further 546 people have pointed out to him.

That's just amazing. Thank you, Onion writers, for a good belly laugh the first time around (all the way back in 1999), a good belly laugh the second time around (five minutes ago), and for making this guy think you were serious, which was good for another half an hour of belly laughs.

UPDATE: Holy mother of God, Pete can't leave well enough alone and has posted another followup! Uhm, yeah. Buddy, you already lost. Just shut down your blog and move along with life, preferably away from computers where you can't be exposed to any more humour your addled brain can't comprehend.

UPDATE2: Pete has moved to a new address where comments require a Blogger account. I seem to recall a well-used phrase about a day late and a dollar short.

Meta note: Pete is the only Dumbass of the Day in the history of this blog ever to receive the coveted Five Dumbasses Award for a non-fatal exhibition of stupidity.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Because what other media outlet would give their regular movie reviewer the week off and hire the Ninja from AskANinja.com to review Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest?

(More about the historical feud between ninjas and pirates can be found at The Official Ninja Webpage, duh.)

19-year-old Detroit-area resident, to mechanic: "Hey, my car is really hard to steer."

Mechanic: "Well, it would help if you removed the dead body from the undercarriage, lady."

Apparently fall, especially October, is a very boring time in the midwest. I have no fewer than EIGHT friends whose birthdays are in the next five days.

From the same state that once voted Jesse "The Body" Ventura into the governor's office comes Glenn Johnson, a St. Paul resident whose idea of "doing the laundry" involved both gasoline and detergent (which, in other applications, might be called napalm). Key quote:

I seen a ball of fire come up from the sink. You know I made it towards the door. It blew me out of the laundry room and on to the steps.

For washing your clothes in flammable liquids and exposing said liquids to an ignition source, Glenn, you are hereby awarded the coveted Blizza Blizza Dumbass of the Day Award.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry, of course)

The somewhat unintentional humour of an ABC News staff writer in his article about last week's life-imitating-art incident is not to be missed.

(Also via Dave Barry, who is only somewhat reassured by the above article.)

In the form of snakes on a plane.

(via Dave Barry)

Michael Jackson Tells Orphans He Loves Them On tour of Japan

Orphans respond, "We do not love you back. Please keep your 45-year-old hands off us, you dirty man."

Runners-up include "Jackson plans first outing since trial" (The Digital Spy) and "Michael Jackson Pops Up in Tokyo" (andPOP).

Today's award goes to the Sydney Morning Herald:

Granny Beats Off Alligator

Today's award goes to Neal Stevenson, who sold his car to a 16-year-old for $150 worth of coke and then reported it stolen.

Both Neal and the 16-year-old dealer are now in jail. 'Nuff said.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

CNN takes the honours with this headline:

New rings found around Uranus

...

While Uranus had been known to have inner rings of neutral color, the newly discovered outer rings show color contrasts

Ew.

A Ypsilanti woman made a trade three weeks ago that she now regrets: she traded her father's minivan for crack.

I wonder what the going street price is, in bags of crack, for a 1995 Mercury Villager. Anybody?

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Five easy steps to certain Darwin Award victory:

1. Buy gunpowder and other explosives.
2. Build your own grenade in your basement.
3. Detonate it, presumably without sufficient planning or protection.
4. Die from your wounds.
5. Win Darwin Award.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Shawn LeFlore, a 33-year-old Texan, was pulled over in Dallas on Tuesday for having an expired vehicle registration. Believing he was wanted (guilty conscience?), LeFlore got out of the vehicle and ran, ending up waist-deep in mud in a nearby field, where he died of exposure as police tried to pull him out some two hours later.

Key quote: "Toxicology results [are] pending."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Chuck Norris reads Chuck Norris facts on "The Best Damn Sports Show Period".

Listen for the great one at the end.

Remember those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? Well, you readers get to Choose Your Own Dumbass of the Day.

In this corner, wearing the blue shorts, we have Unlucky Car Thief Michael Chapman, who stole a car, drove out of town, and stopped to ask for directions at the car's owner's father's house.

In the other corner, wearing a stunning red ensemble, is Anonymous Irresponsible Mother in St. Paul, who, rather than expressing concern over the fact that her three-year-old "found" a handgun under a couch cushion, removed its clip and tossed it back on the couch for Junior to play with. She forgot to clear the chamber, and Junior shot her in the leg, presumably by accident.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Who would you rather not spend a night in a tent with: Tom Cruise or Saddam Hussein?

And the winner is Tom Cruise by a nose.

He speaks the King's Engrish, of course.

Being out of college and not really into the whole bar scene (at least from a place-to-meet-people perspective), I have to rely on other means of meeting women, like friends' introductions or online social networking sites like Friendster/Facebook/etc. I could write a whole essay about why Friendster sucks from a technical perspective -- the servers are horribly slow, they didn't confirm my e-mail address for almost a year, etc. -- but I think this one screen shot sums things up pretty nicely.

Zeljko Tupic, a citizen of Belgrade in the apparently insular country of Serbia, which will be hereafter known as "The Country That Never Heard of Viagra", was searching for a means to prolong his sexual, uhm, abilities, and hit upon the less-than-intelligent idea of shoving a slender pencil into his "member".

Said pencil shifted during the dirty deed and lodged in Tupic's bladder, forcing him to call an ambulance and putting a merciful end to his plans for the evening.

I volunteer to forward Tupic all my e-mail for two weeks, after which he'll be plenty aware of the various "solutions" out there for people with his problem.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Today's winner is none other than the Vice President of the United States, one Mr. Richard "Dick" Cheney, who sprayed a fellow hunter with shot while hunting quail in Texas. I realise a $6,000 shotgun might not have a safety, but it's common fucking sense not to point loaded guns in the direction of people!

Apparently more than one village needs to go looking for its idiot in Washington.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

The award goes to Norman Frey, a 46-year-old Colorado resident who thought it was a good idea to transport a large balloon filled with acetylene gas in the back seat of his car. Frey intended to use it as a fireworks display at a Super Bowl party. Only one problem: the balloon rubbed against the cheap velour interior of Frey's late-1980s Oldsmobile and a static spark set it off, with rather predictable results.

Frey and his companion somehow managed to survive with no injuries other than ruptured eardrums. Their car, on the other hand, was not so lucky. Frey is facing a felony explosives charge (haha).

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Their new nemesis: Parrots

That sounds kinda like "pirates", I suppose.

(via Dave Barry)

The award is shared among three teenagers from Troy, Michigan, for their brilliance in being found in contempt of court.

See, what happened was this: last May, the three were among a group of several teenagers who got drunk on their way to prom. Big surprise. Well, they got to prom and started stumbling around, and school authorities had them breathalyzed. The resultant court proceedings found them in various sorts of legal trouble, but nobody spent any time in jail.

Yet.

Well, three of the girls didn't think it was very fair they weren't allowed to flaunt their disrespect for the law at their prom, so as soon as they got to college, away from pesky hometown judges, what did they do? Start partying. Again. With a digital camera. And a Web site. Oh, and they took photos of themselves flipping off the camera and posted them to the site with an obscenity-laced caption directed at the judge.

The judge who had sentenced them to probation found the site.

Two of the girls spent the holidays in jail. Geniuses.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Blizza Blizza salutes you, Trevor Corneliusien, for doing what the rest of us largely sane people would not: handcuffing your ankles together in the desert, and then losing the key.

Mr. Corneliusien then hopped 12 miles into the nearest town to get help, where sherriff's deputies probably laughed uncontrollably before "accidentally" losing all their spare handcuff keys.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

Dave Barry reminisces on the year gone by, and finds it mostly sucked.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Not in Florida, but right here in West Michigan:

Man's car goes on automatic pilot in Leroy

It seems a local genius -- and we here at the blog use the word "genius" very liberally -- decided, after becoming thoroughly lost on two-lane back roads and sliding off into a field, the only way to free his car from the mud in which it was stuck was by placing a toolbox on the accelerator pedal and getting out to push the car.

Kinda like the ghetto cruise control Bill Paxton used on his old yellow Dodge in Twister, except this guy was, at the risk of repeating myself, standing behind the car while doing this.

Needless to say, as soon as the car broke free and gained traction, off it drove, across the road, through a soybean field, over a small hill, and into a large tree at 100 MPH.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

From the St. Petersburg Times, via Dave Barry:

The Big Squeeze

Each and every one of these individuals gets at least Three Dumbasses. Many were featured on the blog at one time or another over the past 365 days. Enjoy your 15 minutes of infamy, folks. Maybe it'll take the sting out of prison.

Who came up with the idea for this video.

Somewhere, Mr. T is silently pitying his agent, who now has a giant mohawk imprint in his chest.