Blizza Blizza

A thus-far-anonymous motorcyclist from the burgeoning metropolis of Quincy, Michigan is in custody -- and the hospital -- this evening after losing control of his (are you ready for this?) unregistered and uninsured motorcycle that he was riding without a helmet or motorcycle endorsement on a suspended license...while drunk.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Some people clearly aren't getting the concept:

From page 91 of the business section of the local phone book (larger image):

"The ODB couldn'tve possibly committed all those crimes. Coolio did some of that shit."

And now we have proof.

This has been another public service announcement reminding you to stay off the crack.

"Judge files appeal notice in $54-million missing pants suit":

A judge who lost a $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner over a missing pair of pants continues to press his suit.

In the Continuing Misadventures of People Who Are High On Crack, an as-yet-unnamed 25-year-old motorist shot himself in the head while driving his Chevy Blazer after leading police on a highway chase during which he brandished a revolver, smoked crack, and laughed at the officers chasing him.

CLN salutes you, Mr. Crack Smoking Highway Multitasker, with the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Just learn how to dance and you'll have them all over you.

Not sure those are the kind of ladies I'd want to meet, though. (Click for full-size image.)

(via Dave Barry)

It's time for Mike Rowe to go on a road trip to Romania. Key quote:

The carcasses are rotting amid heat of 38C, just metres from a main road.

That's 100 degrees Fahrenheit for you non-metric types.

And for the record, "Huge Meat Pile" would be a great name for a death metal band.

"Hey, Darren, you know what would be really fun?"
"What, Dave?"
"If we cut the roof and doors off a crappy car and then drove it as fast as we can over a jump into a lake."
"Wow, yeah, that sounds like a great idea! You get the car, and I'll build the jump out at my parents' abandoned quarry!"
"Oh, hey, Darren?"
"Yes, Dave?"
"Do you think it matters that neither you nor I knows how to swim?"
"No, probably not. We'll just magically float to the shore after the car sinks."
"Oh yeah. That should work fine."

Except it didn't work fine. These two Greeley, Colorado geniuses went through with their plan, which went off without a hitch except for that last little detail. David Griego, 18, drowned after the car landed in the lake because, well, he couldn't swim. Neither could any of the bystanders who were out there to observe this stunt. Your Darwin Award will be on its way shortly.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

The enterprising, 18-year-old Damion Mosher gets today's award after shooting himself in the gut while crushing live ammunition with a hammer (!) to salvage the scrap brass, which he intended to sell to the local metal recycler for $1.70 per pound. How many pounds of spent shell casings does it take to pay for an ER visit to remove a .223 round from one's abdomen? I only ask because Mr. Mosher might benefit from this information.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

It's time again for everyone's favourite Internet game show, Linux Programmer or Saddam Hussein!

You, the contestant, will be presented with a series of images. You must choose whether each is a photo of a Linux programmer or Saddam Hussein.

Ready? Good.

Question 1:

Question 2:

Question 3:

Jared Anderson, in a shining example of What Not To Do, set his genitals on fire in an attempt to re-create a stunt from "Jackass" wherein a character...set his genitals on fire.

Shockingly enough, Anderson suffered burns to his genitals from this little stunt.

In other news, water is wet.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

OK, that's it. I can't take it any more. Please make this guy stop humping a turnstile every time I log into Yahoo Mail.

It's just creepy.

An unnamed California computer tutor was killed in a head-on collision yesterday when his 1991 Honda Accord wandered across the centerline and collided head-on with a Hummer.

Why would a perfectly good car wander across the centerline and collide with oncoming traffic, you ask? Why, because the driver was too busy working on his laptop to notice that he had crossed said centerline, of course.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Looks like this year's Darwin Awards are shaping up nicely.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Ann Greenfield, a 34-year-old middle school teacher in Murray, Kentucky, was arrested after paging a state trooper in an attempt to buy marijuana.

"Man, I knew I shoulda put my dealer in my five."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

A 25-year-old University of Michigan senior was killed in Thailand earlier this month "when he stuck his head off the side of the train and was knocked off by a pole, or something hanging from a pole." I'm still not clear as to whether or not Mr. Keep-your-hands-and-feet-inside-the-vehicle-at-all-times was actually decapitated or simply killed by the combined impact of being bonked in the head and subsequently falling off a moving train, but either way...

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Note to self: if ever arrested for possession of illegal drugs, be sure to have family members remove the rest of the drugs from my safe before bringing it down to the jail to bail me out.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Mathematicians have finally proven that leaving the toilet seat down is not the most efficient means of utilising a standard home toilet. How can this not win an Ig Nobel Prize?

(via Dave Barry)

In a late entry to the "Best of 2006" category, I give you:

Nude wet meat soil bandit caught

It is a tribute to what went on that day that the fact its protagonist is called Colt Langstaff and lives in a town called Cool is by far the most boring thing about this story (which we sincerely hope is true).

We sincerely hope it is true too, because that's a story for the ages.

This would be a lot funnier if it had happened to someone who had not yet managed to pass on her DNA not once, not twice, but three times. See, survival of the fittest only works if the unfit can't survive long enough to reproduce.

A 28-year-old California woman is dead of water intoxication after drinking an incredibly large volume of water in a short period of time as part of a radio station's contest to win a Nintendo Wii.

"I was talking to her and she was a nice lady," [a fellow contestant] said. "She was telling me about her family and her three kids and how she was doing it for her kids."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

You'd think a senior vice president in charge of flight operations at a major airline would have a pretty good handle on world geography.

Of course, since I'm posting this here, you'd be wrong.

Tim Rainey, of Northwest:

We had that airplane flying in Asia as far as Singapore and had it in the Atlantic all the way down to Bombay, India.

If anyone can explain what Rainey was trying to say, I'm listening.

A shared award is presented to these two geniuses, as detailed in a Florida newspaper's 2006 in review:

An Orange County sheriff's deputy was in uniform and sitting in his marked patrol car when a man walked up to him an asked if he wanted to buy some cocaine. The deputy said yes, the man pulled out a bag with cocaine and the officer arrested him.

Another man doubted whether the crack cocaine he bought was real, so he asked two uniformed Tampa police officers to verify. They did. It was. He was arrested.

Adrian Apgar, you are the smartest man alive. You got high on crack, then swam in an alligator-infested pond.

The story also has the best lead in the history of journalism:

In further news of the misadventures of people who are naked, a naked man on crack was pulled from the jaws of an alligator in Florida on Wednesday.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Soon to be a major motion picture starring Samuel L. Jackson: Soap in a Microwave!

"Iraqi president says Democrats told him they will not pull out quickly"

Yes, because while we're in the middle of fucking a nation right in its ass, we want to be sure that it gets satisfied too.

This is brilliant. Thank you, CNN.

Silent plane would cut airport noise

In related news, water is wet, and fire burns you.

In the ongoing contest between criminals and mind-altering substances, the criminals just lost another round. A 29-year-old Jackson man is now in jail after admitting at a party, presumably where alcohol was being served, that he "shot a guy in the head."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Those sneaky reporters over at the Associated Press are going to face the Wrath of Shaq after this one.

Shaq detests NBA's new balls

On a related note, someone should remind Shaq that 100 years ago, basketball was only 15 years old, and the NBA was founded in 1946.

Yaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! In honour of International Talk Like a Pirate Day and the ongoing feud between ninjas and pirates, Blizza Blizza is proud to present a discussion of the relative merits of the two schools of combat.

Pirates fly the Jolly Roger, an awesome flag. Ninjas fly. Advantage: push.

Ninjas flip out and kill whole towns because somebody dropped a spoon. No pirate has ever or could ever do that. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have the coolest language. No ninja ever said the words "booty," "wench," or "Avast!" Advantage: pirates.

Ninjas are experts at flipping out and killing people, sometimes taking on as many as several hundred enemies at once. Pirates attack in a large group, taking on weaker foes. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates, on the other hand, can fight -- and win -- with only one eye, one-and-a-half legs, one hand, a hook, and a parrot on their shoulder. Ninjas require all limbs and good vision to be effective. Advantage: pirates.

Pirates get Keira Knightley. Ninjas get...Bruce Lee? Advantage: pirates, big time.

However, ninjas get to pork babes so hot that steam comes out of the babes' hair and/or ears. Pirates get...Kiera Knightley. Nobody wants sloppy seconds. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have cool names involving the colour of their facial hair. Ninjas are anonymous. Advantage: pirates.

Chuck Norris, despite his beard and occasional limp, is clearly a ninja. Since nobody has ever defeated Chuck Norris... Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have cannon, pistols, guns, and swords. Ninjas bring a bo staff and numchucks to a gun fight. Advantage: pirates.

Ninjas have good teeth. Pirates have wooden dentures. British wooden dentures. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates sail ships anywhere they please on the high seas, pillaging at will. A ninja's primary mode of transportation is his own two feet. Advantage: pirates.

Pirates had their heyday in the 1600s. Ninjas are upstairs, right now, waiting to kill you silently in your sleep with a toothbrush. Advantage: ninjas.

Either Chuck Norris (obviously), Bruce Lee, or Jackie Chan could take on Jack Sparrow and his entire crew, all at once, with one hand, while simultaneously impregnating Jack's girlfriend with ninja triplets, in their sleep. Advantage: ninjas.

Ninjas wail on jet-red guitars so hard that it makes pirates' boners explode with a whistling sound. Pirates play primitive musical instruments and sing poorly, destroying boners in a less spectacular (but similarly effective) fashion. Advantage: push.

Courtesy of the Department of Hitting You Over the Head with the Blindingly Obvious:

Strip clubs appeal nude dance ban

Well, yeah. What'd you expect them to do, applaud it?

Jon Jansen, former University of Michigan offensive lineman, now playing with the Washington Redskins in the NFL, when asked to clarify his statement last week that "maybe 15, 20 percent" of NFL players use illegal performance-enhancing substances:

[W]hat [I] meant was that it was a small number of players, and being a football player, [I'm] not really good at math.

I swear I am not making this up.

Omed Aziz just had to go for a drive. He had been injured in a bomb attack in his native Iraq, and he wanted some semblance of normalcy to return to his life in England. So he put on his sunglasses, ignored the severe tremors in his legs, pretended he wasn't missing several fingers, and strained against his near-deafness to hear what his passenger was saying.

Which was important, because his passenger was serving as his navigator.

You see, Aziz also lost his eyes in that explosion.

No, I'm not kidding.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel

Amazing.

In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

Guess my ticker's down to about 14 now. I just had a submission posted on Dave Barry's blog.

ABC wins the award this time:

Dangerous John Coming Closer to Mexico

An Allen Park police officer is recovering from injuries suffered when his car was slammed into him by a teenage driver distracted by sending a text message on his cell phone.

Yes, really. As Dave Barry is so fond of saying, a Florida driver's licence is on its way.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

The syllogistic logic of John Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister of Great Britain (who may have, in fact, been channeling a famous professor of logic in addition to Mike Myers):

Premise: If it's not Scottish, it's crap!
Premise: The Middle East peace process is being handled by George Bush, who not only does not represent Scotland, but is not even a little Scottish.

Logical conclusion: Dubya's idea of a peace process is crap!

Larvae on a Bike, specifically this photo.

(via Dave Barry)

We here at the blog would like to remind everyone that playground equipment and motor vehicles do not mix.

Fie on Jalopnik for calling a piece of junk scooter a "crotch rocket", though. Eeediots.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Thanks to Todd for the forward, which I've turned into a blog entry.

Zidane recently remarked in a press conference that the infamous head butt was a result of repeated sister and mom jokes. The below serves to remind us that it's important to hear both sides of the argument and to take into account different points of view.

As seen by the Germans:

As seen by the French:

As seen by the Italians:

As seen by the Americans:

As seen by the Bild-Zeitung (a German tabloid):

"Pete" wins today's award, and possibly this month's award, and maybe even this year's award, for his amazingly clueless "March Together for Life" blog entry entitled "Murder without conscience".

Having 634 people (now 635, including this entry) call him a giant raging idiot for taking satire seriously was apparently not enough, though. The guy can't admit he's wrong, either, a fact which a further 546 people have pointed out to him.

That's just amazing. Thank you, Onion writers, for a good belly laugh the first time around (all the way back in 1999), a good belly laugh the second time around (five minutes ago), and for making this guy think you were serious, which was good for another half an hour of belly laughs.

UPDATE: Holy mother of God, Pete can't leave well enough alone and has posted another followup! Uhm, yeah. Buddy, you already lost. Just shut down your blog and move along with life, preferably away from computers where you can't be exposed to any more humour your addled brain can't comprehend.

UPDATE2: Pete has moved to a new address where comments require a Blogger account. I seem to recall a well-used phrase about a day late and a dollar short.

Meta note: Pete is the only Dumbass of the Day in the history of this blog ever to receive the coveted Five Dumbasses Award for a non-fatal exhibition of stupidity.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Because what other media outlet would give their regular movie reviewer the week off and hire the Ninja from AskANinja.com to review Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest?

(More about the historical feud between ninjas and pirates can be found at The Official Ninja Webpage, duh.)

19-year-old Detroit-area resident, to mechanic: "Hey, my car is really hard to steer."

Mechanic: "Well, it would help if you removed the dead body from the undercarriage, lady."

Apparently fall, especially October, is a very boring time in the midwest. I have no fewer than EIGHT friends whose birthdays are in the next five days.

From the same state that once voted Jesse "The Body" Ventura into the governor's office comes Glenn Johnson, a St. Paul resident whose idea of "doing the laundry" involved both gasoline and detergent (which, in other applications, might be called napalm). Key quote:

I seen a ball of fire come up from the sink. You know I made it towards the door. It blew me out of the laundry room and on to the steps.

For washing your clothes in flammable liquids and exposing said liquids to an ignition source, Glenn, you are hereby awarded the coveted Blizza Blizza Dumbass of the Day Award.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry, of course)

The somewhat unintentional humour of an ABC News staff writer in his article about last week's life-imitating-art incident is not to be missed.

(Also via Dave Barry, who is only somewhat reassured by the above article.)

In the form of snakes on a plane.

(via Dave Barry)

Michael Jackson Tells Orphans He Loves Them On tour of Japan

Orphans respond, "We do not love you back. Please keep your 45-year-old hands off us, you dirty man."

Runners-up include "Jackson plans first outing since trial" (The Digital Spy) and "Michael Jackson Pops Up in Tokyo" (andPOP).

Today's award goes to the Sydney Morning Herald:

Granny Beats Off Alligator

Today's award goes to Neal Stevenson, who sold his car to a 16-year-old for $150 worth of coke and then reported it stolen.

Both Neal and the 16-year-old dealer are now in jail. 'Nuff said.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

CNN takes the honours with this headline:

New rings found around Uranus

...

While Uranus had been known to have inner rings of neutral color, the newly discovered outer rings show color contrasts

Ew.

A Ypsilanti woman made a trade three weeks ago that she now regrets: she traded her father's minivan for crack.

I wonder what the going street price is, in bags of crack, for a 1995 Mercury Villager. Anybody?

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Five easy steps to certain Darwin Award victory:

1. Buy gunpowder and other explosives.
2. Build your own grenade in your basement.
3. Detonate it, presumably without sufficient planning or protection.
4. Die from your wounds.
5. Win Darwin Award.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Shawn LeFlore, a 33-year-old Texan, was pulled over in Dallas on Tuesday for having an expired vehicle registration. Believing he was wanted (guilty conscience?), LeFlore got out of the vehicle and ran, ending up waist-deep in mud in a nearby field, where he died of exposure as police tried to pull him out some two hours later.

Key quote: "Toxicology results [are] pending."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Chuck Norris reads Chuck Norris facts on "The Best Damn Sports Show Period".

Listen for the great one at the end.

Remember those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? Well, you readers get to Choose Your Own Dumbass of the Day.

In this corner, wearing the blue shorts, we have Unlucky Car Thief Michael Chapman, who stole a car, drove out of town, and stopped to ask for directions at the car's owner's father's house.

In the other corner, wearing a stunning red ensemble, is Anonymous Irresponsible Mother in St. Paul, who, rather than expressing concern over the fact that her three-year-old "found" a handgun under a couch cushion, removed its clip and tossed it back on the couch for Junior to play with. She forgot to clear the chamber, and Junior shot her in the leg, presumably by accident.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Who would you rather not spend a night in a tent with: Tom Cruise or Saddam Hussein?

And the winner is Tom Cruise by a nose.

He speaks the King's Engrish, of course.

Being out of college and not really into the whole bar scene (at least from a place-to-meet-people perspective), I have to rely on other means of meeting women, like friends' introductions or online social networking sites like Friendster/Facebook/etc. I could write a whole essay about why Friendster sucks from a technical perspective -- the servers are horribly slow, they didn't confirm my e-mail address for almost a year, etc. -- but I think this one screen shot sums things up pretty nicely.

Zeljko Tupic, a citizen of Belgrade in the apparently insular country of Serbia, which will be hereafter known as "The Country That Never Heard of Viagra", was searching for a means to prolong his sexual, uhm, abilities, and hit upon the less-than-intelligent idea of shoving a slender pencil into his "member".

Said pencil shifted during the dirty deed and lodged in Tupic's bladder, forcing him to call an ambulance and putting a merciful end to his plans for the evening.

I volunteer to forward Tupic all my e-mail for two weeks, after which he'll be plenty aware of the various "solutions" out there for people with his problem.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Today's winner is none other than the Vice President of the United States, one Mr. Richard "Dick" Cheney, who sprayed a fellow hunter with shot while hunting quail in Texas. I realise a $6,000 shotgun might not have a safety, but it's common fucking sense not to point loaded guns in the direction of people!

Apparently more than one village needs to go looking for its idiot in Washington.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

The award goes to Norman Frey, a 46-year-old Colorado resident who thought it was a good idea to transport a large balloon filled with acetylene gas in the back seat of his car. Frey intended to use it as a fireworks display at a Super Bowl party. Only one problem: the balloon rubbed against the cheap velour interior of Frey's late-1980s Oldsmobile and a static spark set it off, with rather predictable results.

Frey and his companion somehow managed to survive with no injuries other than ruptured eardrums. Their car, on the other hand, was not so lucky. Frey is facing a felony explosives charge (haha).

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Their new nemesis: Parrots

That sounds kinda like "pirates", I suppose.

(via Dave Barry)

The award is shared among three teenagers from Troy, Michigan, for their brilliance in being found in contempt of court.

See, what happened was this: last May, the three were among a group of several teenagers who got drunk on their way to prom. Big surprise. Well, they got to prom and started stumbling around, and school authorities had them breathalyzed. The resultant court proceedings found them in various sorts of legal trouble, but nobody spent any time in jail.

Yet.

Well, three of the girls didn't think it was very fair they weren't allowed to flaunt their disrespect for the law at their prom, so as soon as they got to college, away from pesky hometown judges, what did they do? Start partying. Again. With a digital camera. And a Web site. Oh, and they took photos of themselves flipping off the camera and posted them to the site with an obscenity-laced caption directed at the judge.

The judge who had sentenced them to probation found the site.

Two of the girls spent the holidays in jail. Geniuses.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Blizza Blizza salutes you, Trevor Corneliusien, for doing what the rest of us largely sane people would not: handcuffing your ankles together in the desert, and then losing the key.

Mr. Corneliusien then hopped 12 miles into the nearest town to get help, where sherriff's deputies probably laughed uncontrollably before "accidentally" losing all their spare handcuff keys.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

Dave Barry reminisces on the year gone by, and finds it mostly sucked.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Not in Florida, but right here in West Michigan:

Man's car goes on automatic pilot in Leroy

It seems a local genius -- and we here at the blog use the word "genius" very liberally -- decided, after becoming thoroughly lost on two-lane back roads and sliding off into a field, the only way to free his car from the mud in which it was stuck was by placing a toolbox on the accelerator pedal and getting out to push the car.

Kinda like the ghetto cruise control Bill Paxton used on his old yellow Dodge in Twister, except this guy was, at the risk of repeating myself, standing behind the car while doing this.

Needless to say, as soon as the car broke free and gained traction, off it drove, across the road, through a soybean field, over a small hill, and into a large tree at 100 MPH.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

From the St. Petersburg Times, via Dave Barry:

The Big Squeeze

Each and every one of these individuals gets at least Three Dumbasses. Many were featured on the blog at one time or another over the past 365 days. Enjoy your 15 minutes of infamy, folks. Maybe it'll take the sting out of prison.

Who came up with the idea for this video.

Somewhere, Mr. T is silently pitying his agent, who now has a giant mohawk imprint in his chest.

Jessica Booth (no relation to John Wilkes, at least as far as we know), of Memphis, TN, wins the award for her absolutely genius plan to whack four of her fellow Memphisians so that she could steal a giant block of cocaine.

Except the "cocaine" turned out to be queso fresco cheese, and the hit man she hired turned out to be an undercover five-oh, and Ms. Booth is now in jail on four counts of attempted murder and four counts of soliciting a murder.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

The local NBC affiliate has RSS news feeds, since they're all the rage these days. In this morning's update for the first time was this story:

Holiday shopping deals uncovered: We've found a way for you to get an advance notice of what products will be on sale Friday.

Yes, that's last Friday.

Apparently one of those ways is not "read this Web site." Great job, guys.

Today's Dumbass of the Day award is shared by the drivers of the five vehicles responsible for causing a 16-car, 10-person car-train crash in Chicago Wednesday evening. From the story (emphasis added):

[O]fficials said vehicles should not have been directly in the train's path because a sign at the intersection warns drivers not to stop on the tracks.

A big, yellow sign. With big red flashing lights and those ANGRY ALL-CAPS SHOUTING LETTERS.

Get the hell out of my gene pool, you morons.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

We report, you decide.

(via Eric via IM)

And the award goes to...

The anonymous (so far) counterfeiters in Arizona who, when their photocopier jammed, sent it in for service with fake bills still in the machine.

Have fun getting something else jammed in prison, geniuses.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Techdirt)

I didn't read the message, but I really hope they're talking about all the spare Hammonds and Wurlitzers sitting in a moldy corner of my basement. I need my heart, lungs, liver, etcetera. OK, I could probably do without one of my kidneys, and I've never really understood the point of a spleen.

So thanks for the reminder, Mr. Spammer. I hereby open a one-week bidding period for my spleen and appendix, with a minimum bid of $10,000 plus medical expenses for each organ.

Put your bid in the comments. Payment will be accepted via PayPal, Western Union money order, or gold bars. If you have a spare heart you're not using, I might be convinced to work out a trade, but only if the heart came from someone under the age of 40 who was within five percent of ideal body weight and exercised regularly. First-born children will not be accepted as a form of payment, unless they happen to be attractive females between the ages of 18 and 30, in which case, let's talk. Buyer is responsible for all transportation expenses, including one of those fancy little beer coolers full of dry ice for packing around the spleen. Unless of course you just want it in a jar of formaldehyde, in which case you need to provide your own formaldehyde. And your own jar.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my distinct honour and privilege to introduce to you this evening a world-renowned bean researcher, whose patented Lo-Fart™ beans have spared the world countless instances of olfactory trauma:

Dr. Colin Leakey

In related news, bookies in Vegas are handicapping Mr. Leakey's odds of winning next year's Ig Nobel prize in Public Health at 3:1, making him the early favourite for the honour.

(via Dave Barry, of course)

Anyone who read The Far Side during its heyday probably remembers the famous "God at His Keyboard" cartoon, where a tremendously old man with a giant white beard sits at a computer keyboard that prominently features a "SMITE" key.

Well, it appears that God's SMITE key is working just fine.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

OK, enough already.

For about a year, I've been able to store an iPod in a Foof.

Now I can put an iPod in a Muff.

Just introduce the Vag and get it over with.

It's time for that reader favourite, "One-Liner Responses to Spam Subjects." The following are all actual subject lines from spam received during the month of October.

View our authentic immitation site.

With my 100% genuine simulated Internet connection?

Improve your Σ

Oh man. My sigma has been really down lately. Please share!

Cute teen gets on top hog

And, presumably, rides around the barnyard on Wilbur. Such a wonderful family scene.

I bring you Greatings.

From the planet Zarxon. Take me to your leader.

{%NAME_FROM} 16:29 3 Re: Rodney's Story about V

I left the "From" field intact on that one. Spamware broken much?

From an anonymous (unless he chooses to reveal himself) friend over AIM:

(17:47:59) there should be a rule about parents IMing
(17:48:10) my dad IMs me every day with the most meaningless day-to-day crap
(17:48:15) "what are you having for dinner?"
(17:48:39) I mean, I get that my parents love me, blah blah blah, but I have no fucking clue what I'm having for dinner

Blizza Blizza salutes you, Danielle Rivera, Ms. Never-Seen-Animal-Planet TV Watcher. Key quote:

Rivera told a FWC investigator that she was trying to feed an alligator when it bit her hand instead of the food. She said she did not realize it could propel itself out of the water.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

A semi truck hit an overpass in Battle Crack today, causing a large traffic tie-up and prompting concerns about the stability of the bridge.

The best part of the story, though, is the photo, which depicts a semi carrying the slogan "Partners for safety". Absolutely brilliant.

An interview with the ultimate insider: Dubya's speechalist.

It's that time of year again.

Arrrrrrr!

Here's a business opportunity that Uncle Rico should perhaps look into.

(via Dave Barry)

Give Matthew Villemure a Darwin Award, please. The 28-year-old died Wednesday after leaping from a dune buggy traveling about 35 MPH near Gulliver, in Michigan's Upper Peninsula.

I'm sorry, I just don't have anything funny to say about that. The dude jumped out of a moving vehicle. C'mon.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Meant to post this last night and forgot. An anonymous Bark River, MI, man is today's winner. You see, he had a safe stolen out of his home about a month ago during a break-in. He reported the break-in to police, who later captured a suspect and recovered the man's safe.

They had asked the man what was in his safe when it was reported stolen, and the man dutifully informed them it contained "two guns, two knives, a rangefinder and a silver dollar collection."

So after recovering the safe, police asked the man to come down to the station so that he could identify the safe and its contents.

Turns out he forgot to tell them it just happened to be filled with a pound of marijuana and $500 cash in addition to the other stuff.

Charges are pending.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

An unnamed (probably for the best) woman in -- where else? -- Mecklenburg County, North Carolina is homeless this evening after burning down her house in an attempt to kill some snakes on her porch.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave "Hurricane Dodger" Barry)

You might want to think twice about granting a watercraft registration to a replica Viking craft made of 15 million popsicle sticks that some loony thinks he's going to sail across the Atlantic.

Master Yoda says, "In Robert McDonald's future, a Darwin Award I sense."

I've somehow managed to avoid seeing the horrid-looking Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo, though I still curse Touchstone for sticking its trailer at the front of High Fidelity every time I watch the DVD. I firmly believe the rest of humanity should join me in my avoidance of this film.

Unfortunately, that quest just got a lot harder, as Columbia Pictures has inexplicably not only financed, but actually consented to distribute and promote, a sequel, unimaginatively titled Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo. (What, did the Olsen twins' production studio write the title for this crap?) Patrick Goldstein, movie critic for the Los Angeles Times, in a piece about the 2005 Academy Awards' Best Picture nominees, lambasted Columbia Pictures for passing on several highly decorated movies to produce said sequel, saying:

[Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo] was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic.

This did not go unnoticed by Rob Schneider, who apparently took offense at being accused of making a running gag of penis jokes. Schneider took out full-page attack ads in a couple magazines questioning Goldstein's credibility, notably stating:

Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ... Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers.

Roger Ebert has seen the sequel, and his opinion ain't pretty. We now get to the quote of the day:

As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

(via Lee, who has his own take on this whole stinky mess)

The driver of the car off the trunk of which Darrell Patterson committed Darwinian suicide is being charged with reckless driving.

You know, because it's the driver's fault one of his friends is stupid enough to climb up on his moving car try to car-surf on it.

Today's award goes to Robbin Doolin of Kansas City, MO. Ms. Doolin was driving to work two weeks ago and instead of rolling down her window, she opened her car door so that she could spit.

Ms. Doolin was not wearing a seatbelt.

Choose the most likely outcome of this situation:

A) Ms. Doolin successfully expectorates with no further incident
B) Ms. Doolin successfully expectorates and falls out of the car, removing herself from the gene pool
C) Ms. Doolin successfully expectorates, falls out of the car, failing to remove herself from the gene pool, gets up off the highway, chases her car over an embankment where it is now threatening a construction site, and ends up in the hospital, where she is treated for various injuries to her limbs and head.

If you answered (C), you win the prize.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

Well, here. I'll just let Mike Spinelli explain it:

A man with a blood alcohol level of .26 stole a Frito-Lay truck in Buffalo, NY, and initially attempted to sell the vehicle and its load of tasty snack foods for $20, though he was apparently talked down [to $5] in his desparation for another beer. Apprehended by authorities after hitting two parked cars, the hapless sap was charged with driving while intoxicated and grand larceny.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Jalopnik)

Doubly so because it was on the "Faux" News Channel site:

Absolutely, positively the winner for today is this one, from the Detroit Free Press:

Macomb County busts crack-for-cars trading scheme

And I'm gonna take a wild guess they weren't trading virtual rides for Virtual Crack.

Today's award goes to Fred Williams of Battle Creek, who, in all his criminal brilliance, decided to escape from police by ducking into a house.

A house owned and occupied at the time by a former U. S. Marshal.

Mr. Williams is now in jail. Enjoy your stay, Freddie.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Surprisingly, this one isn't from the BBC, although it's so far out there that it somehow must be related.

Young Boys Wankdorf erection relief

(via Dave Barry, who would like to remind everyone that unfortunately, no, he really isn't kidding)

This one's a doozy.

I think CS graduates have a better chance than most rappers at calculating and devising hitherto unheard rhyme pairings. 50 Cent has dance clubs and oral sex; we have awesome video cards.

-- MC Frontalot, as reported by Wired, via the best Slashdot story so far this year.

The War On Terror, As Seen By The Bourne Shell

(via Matt via Adium, the world's bestest AIM client)

Driving to work this morning, I was passed by a Hummer H2 going about 85 MPH. The driver's New York state vanity licence plate: "1 MPG".

Brock Yates, is that you?

My friend Trish showed me Dancing with Cats tonight. There is also an excerpt available, as well as an official Web site.

Yeah.

Just go ahead and click that.

I dare you to think of something to say.

People scare me.

Today's award goes to Darrell Patterson, who thought riding on the trunk of a moving car was a good idea.

He fell off.

He is now dead.

Congratulations, Darrell. You win the prize.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

From Matt comes this BoingBoing gem.

Also on the page: BustedTees. Although they don't sell the "I HEART MIDGET PORN" shirt the unfortunate drunk was wearing in his mug shot, they do sell some absolutely hysterical T-shirts. Gotta love Prose Before Hos.

Again from our friends across the pond at the BBC:

Clinton wades into GTA sex storm

That's Hillary, not Bill, you dirtballs.

In tonight's episode of "Cooking with Dave Thomas," we're going to make honey.

Erm, I mean, "Honey Sauce."

I was at Wendy's for lunch today, and because they anticipated a long wait for my spicy chicken sandwich, they offered me a free order of chicken nuggets, which I accepted. When the lady asked what sort of sauce I wanted, I said, "Honey, please."

I didn't get honey. I got "Honey Sauce." The ingredient panel for this honey-like substance:

Honey, high fructose corn syrup, sugar, corn syrup, natural flavoring, caramel color

Uhhh...

Why not just give me honey-flavoured chemicals and call it good? Maybe I should give Morgan Spurlock a call.

Especially if they get too long and touch an overhead power line.

Good job on the copyediting, WOOD.

Best non-basketball quote of the night:

I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra is awesome!

--Steve Smith, American Dad

Fortunately, this time, the guy managed to remove himself from the gene pool prior to reproducing.

Boy hangs himself during prank

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

And today's Honourable Mention: Drunk 12-year-old crashes SUV

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Does it speak to my nerdish tendencies that I find BBSpot's Top 11 Yo Momma Jokes for Sci-Fi terribly funny?

Best one:

"Yo momma's so ugly, she makes robots rethink the First Law."

You have to see some of the expressions on these cats' faces after they realise they've been covered in random, well, stuff.

(also via Dave Barry, which means if you're reading this blog and you've got Dave Barry's RSS feed in your newsreader, you can apparently quit reading this one)

In the ever-escalating war to pander to the prurient interests, the Japanese have just fired a huge shot across Real Doll's bow. (Warning: second link is definitely not safe for work.)

(via Dave Barry)

Have no sense of humour. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of these types.

Charles Averill, you are today's winner.

Why?

Because you tried to beat your girlfriend to death. With a Bible!

The trial starts Tuesday. Averill could face life in prison if convicted.

I say we throw the book at him! Ba-dum *ching*

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Something even weirder than Cabbages and Condoms (where, by the way, I have eaten, and I have a spoon to prove it): Marton (which, apparently, is the Chinese word for "toilet"). Photos are also available.

(via Dave Barry)

They were advertised on when they were babies.

It's one thing to do this to yourself. Fine, you're an adult, make the choice, whatever. But this husband has to be the biggest pussy in the universe. There is no way, period, that any wife of mine is EVER using my offspring as a living billboard. Women of the world, take note: if you want to use my children to advertise, look elsewhere for your sperm fix.

Ugh.

Rexona for Men

(via Leander Kahney's Cult of Mac, though it's not remotely Mac-related)

Two Britons are now in critical condition in the hospital after attempting a mock lightsaber duel with -- and this is the fun part -- fluorescent light tubes filled with burning gasoline.

Do I really need to give any further details?

Master Yoda says: "Lead to Darwin Awards, the path of stupidity does."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(Subject to change to Five Dumbasses in the event either of these morons ends up dead.)

I heard this on NPR's "All Things Considered" this afternoon and about drove off the road from laughing so hard. Star Wars Home Health Care Products (requires RealPlayer or WMP, heaven forbid).

CNN's RSS feed:

PETA accuses lab of punching monkeys

Apparently no one told PETA the scientists were clicking on banner ads, which Mark Gibbs wisely refused to do.

Coming up at 11: video of PETA activists collectively spanking their monkeys. Think of the children!

I couldn't decide which one was worst, so as they say, "We report, you decide."

Our first candidate is a 25-year-old man who trapped himself inside his pickup truck after losing control, hitting a fire hydrant, bouncing off a parked car, and then impacting a garage. The truck ended up on its side, and the man -- who was not wearing a seatbelt, and was drunk -- was taken to the hospital for treatment.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Candidates number two through four are the three adults who thought it would be a good idea to take a two-year-old girl with them canoeing. The canoe, which was likely top-heavy and overloaded, capsized in Jordan Lake. This would ordinarily not be any big deal -- haven't we all intentionally tipped a canoe over at summer camp? -- except for the following minor details:

• None of the four occupants could swim.
• None of the four occupants was wearing a life jacket.

Someone should bring up the two surviving adults on charges of child endangerment.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Finally, we have numbers five through 17. A student at a Battle Creek middle school brought several ounces of mercury to school and managed to break the container. Key quote from the article:

[S]ome of the students and school employees in the room walked in the mercury, while others touched the substance.

[...]

Ten students and two employees were decontaminated as a precaution. Some of them had the mercury on their legs, while others had it on their arms.

Uhmmmmmm...what part of "DO NOT TOUCH HAPPY FUN LIQUID" did these kids' parents not teach them when they dropped a mercury-filled thermometer at the age of six? And for adults to think touching mercury is a good idea? Absolutely inexcusable.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

A 14-year-old Illinois boy has died after catapulting himself through the sunroof of a "stolen" car and hitting overhead power lines. Who knew the Giant Bug Zapper of Doom concept from Locusts would actually work?

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Jalopnik)

A would-be burglar locked himself in a trunk in Fresno, California, while attempting to steal items from the car. A security guard at the apartment complex followed a trail of blood from another ransacked vehicle to the perpetrator's "hiding" place and informed authorities when he heard a banging noise coming from the trunk.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Autoblog)

A man in southwestern Wisconsin is in court after keeping his dead mother's body in a freezer for the last five years. The man claimed he did it because he was afraid police would suspect he had killed his mother.

"Fred, I think we've got an eater!"
"I'll get the oven on!"

Note to Residents of Canadia: if you run out of gas, please do not lie down in the middle of the Trans-Canada Highway to get attention. See, the thing is, people tried that already, and a lot of them died.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Dave Barry)

I think John Gruber pretty much nailed it.

Best quote:

[From the FAQ...]

How many employees does Macromedia have?

Macromedia has approximately 1,450 employees worldwide.

Please note use of present tense.

How many employees does Adobe have?

Adobe has approximately 4,000 employees worldwide.

Ditto regarding use of present tense. Please also note that PDF is an excellent format for sending out résumés.

From ScienceDaily:

Research Could Lead To New Drugs For HIV

Next on CLN News at Six: Old Age Can Lead to Death!

Remember the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese?

She's been superceded by the Elvis Presley Cat Hairball.

And to think that if Wisconsin legalises cat hunting, we might be forever deprived of future celebrity-shaped hairballs from feline Cheeseheads.

We're holding out for the Lindsay Lohan profile version.

Flat-D Innovations, Inc. claims to be "the #1 name in flatulence odor control products."

Number one -- and only.

(not via Dave Barry, but via Lee via IM)

That would be "Lee" as in "Lee Bennett," fellow ATPM staffer and blogger, who is quite possibly the only person I've ever met who might be more vehemently anti-smoking than I am.

Best Anti-smoking Commercial Ever

(via Jalopnik)

Never, ever, ever let your child sleep in the same bed as a man three times his age.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

As usual, from the BBC:

Shuttle rollout delayed by crack

So would that be virtual or real crack?

Update, 0031 EDT:

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Slashdot needs headline editors too.

Crack Found in Shuttle Tank

Way to go, guys. Way to freakin' go.

Thanks again to Dave Barry, who provides us with this wonderful story:

Two teenagers in Colorado are in custody after admitting to stealing a car from New Mexico, filling it full of 265 POUNDS of marijuana, and illegally parking in a handicapped space at a local motel.

Memo to criminals: remember the lesson of Al Capone, and don't draw unnecessary attention to yourselves.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Sheila Black, age 41, brought her teenaged son heroin when he, presumably, decided he needed his lunchtime fix and called mommy.

In other news, sales of Trainspotting on DVD have gone up tenfold in Lapeer County, where thousands of spoiled rich high school kids want to know what it's like to go swimming in a toilet for an opium suppository.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Once again, from the BBC:

Iran opens secret nuclear plant

Guess it's not so secret any more, is it?

This is funny, but it's also horribly, horribly sick.

An 87-year-old, wheelchair-bound California man has been convicted and sentenced for trying to fly to the Philippines to have sex with nine-year-olds.

See, if the Filipinos had American lawyers, what they'd do is sue the bejeezus out of Pfizer for allowing an 87-year-old wheelchair-bound dude to sustain an erection for more than 30 seconds.

If only there was a Red Forman Pervert Rating. John Seljin would definitely get a five. Heck, maybe a six.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Further proving that some people just shouldn't ever be left alone with children, an Ionia woman will be arraigned tomorrow on charges that she let her 14-year-old drunk nephew drive her car.

Memo to inattentive parents and other adult relatives: if you're going to let your charges drive drunk to the gas station, perhaps you should ensure that your vehicle has enough gas to get there. If you somehow find this too difficult and do run out of gas, you probably shouldn't park the car on the shoulder and pass out where a deputy can find you and your underage drunken relatives.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

GOOD NEWS: Snatch thefts down 26.9% last year

Good to know those snatches aren't being stolen quite so often, but it really makes me wonder what a thief does with a stolen snatch.

(via Dave Barry)

O'Reilly, that is. He'd be incensed that there exists a product to filter the FOX News Channel out of cable TV. After all, that's censorship!

I really ought to start a "crack" category. Until then, I'll keep putting these in "humour."

Man Jailed After Using Banana as Weapon (in an attempt to get money to buy crack, of course).

Virtual Crack, man. Virtual Crack.

Learn it and love it.

(via -- who else -- Dave Barry)

Attention, criminals: when the police come to execute a search warrant at your suspected place of crack-dealing, perhaps it would be a good idea to relocate your activities to another location. Resuming your crack-dealing an hour later isn't the best idea.

Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Oh, and no bail, either, you morons.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

And the award goes to...

"Dog Poo Blamed for Yarra E. Coli" (soul-sucking registration required, but just trust us on this one)

(via Dave Barry, of course)

UPDATE: I can't argue in the least with Dave's Headline of the Day, either.

The eBay Song.

(via Dave Barry)

Roger Ashley, Chief of Police in Middletown, Virginia, is today's winner. On Saturday, Ashley was driving his unmarked police car when he was involved in an accident. Responding officers found him to be intoxicated.

Someone apparently let him post bail, because five hours later, this time in his personal vehicle, Ashley was arrested for DUI again!

He is now being held without bail in the county lockup while town leaders "review his status" as chief of police.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Autoblog)

What WOOD-TV actually wrote:

Senate panel approves bill to let bikers ride without helmets

What I'm sure they meant to say:

Senate panel approves bill to let bikers enter Darwin Awards.

Oops. Silly WOOD.

But hopefully not to soup kitchens for recovering alcoholics:

Cream of Beer Soup

Something tells me Campbell's isn't rushing to get this through some focus groups with plans to use Sam Adams' mother to sell the Chunky version.

(via Dave Barry)

And people wonder why foreigners make fun of us. This is from a friend of mine.

yahoo chat sucks. i put a "***" in front of and some space around the lines you should pay attention to.

---

***epilectrik: hey room. anyone here into computers, electronics, chemistry, physics, math or science in general?

texasaustin27 joined the room
Bird (dirdbird19) joined the room
nsty_elana66 joined the room
isis_morena joined the room
size13shoe (dick_sub2000) joined the room

***epilectrik: anyone in this room ever heard of any of these things?

LatinaNTX76 (tx_latina_2002) joined the room

***epilectrik: maybe im asking the wrong questions.

damitazveronikaz left the room

***epilectrik: anyone in this room ever heard of drugs?

Hoya (chartterbox2004) joined the room

***tipit76550: i have

contrerasjerry left the room

***epilectrik: sweet

I just got a spam titled "Your internet connection isn't safe." It snuck past my filters, which is fairly rare, so I thought I'd read it for kicks. The first line:

Warning... There's a 95% chance your
computer is infected with Spyware.

Is it any coincidence that the market share of Windows is estimated at about 95 per cent?

Onward Christian Ex-Gays: Man infiltrates born-again anti-gay support group in San Fran (where else?), hilarity ensues. Best quote:

The large woman's crying intensifies.

"My son designs Web sites. He said to me, 'Mom, look at this Web site I designed.' He brought it up on the computer, and these male figures came up. And it was a gay porn site!" the large woman says. "My mouth had dropped, and I said, 'Oh my God! What are you doing?'"

"You had to look at them, too," Debbie sympathizes.

"Was there any tea-bagging going on?" I ask, gravely concerned.

Tea-bagging indeed.

Yooper shot by cat: A Bates Township (Iron County) man was shot by his cat last night whilst cooking in the kitchen. "I said TUNA, bitch!"

Australian Government considers fines for suicide info: Yeah, right. I guess we can expect some "Steve Irwin Official Business: Penalty for Private Use $300" hate mail showing up in Robert Hamburger's inbox.

File this one under "People who just don't get it."

I sat down tonight after enduring Suze Orman (damn you, NBC, for not having a new Scrubs!) and enjoying a new Committed (thank you, NBC...oh, how I love and hate you!) to find a trackback notification from Movable Type.

No big deal, right? Yeah, well...

You wouldn't think so, anyway. I took a look -- hey, it's not spam, whaddaya know? -- and decided, as per my usual practise, to see who had thought my ramblings worthy of a link. Turns out it's a guy named Geoff in the Great White North, also known as "Canadia," who has a fairly un-boring* blog of his own.

Due to its generally un-boring nature, I clicked over to the front page and read his recent entries, where I stumbled upon "William Cut," in which Geoff is verbally assaulted by a blogger -- William Cut -- who really doesn't get what the whole "blog" thing is all about. One of Geoff's friends also has an entry on the topic at his own blog. Both of these guys were respectful and polite, and removed links to Mr. Cut's blog when asked.

As is our longstanding tradition here at CLN, we take no prisoners, pull no punches, and spare no expense to ensure that all are equally offended. Here, then, is William Cut's blog, which he thinks should be exclusively for the private use of his circle of friends:

William's Cut

Among the more choice quotes:

My problem wasn’t strangers reading, or even posting, but rather repeat posters that I simply didn’t want posting on my blog ...

The current technology (again, I’m not tech savvy) allows a blogger to kill the comments, but then of course people who the blogger wants to communicate with can't post. My individual style and approach was to be rude about asking people not to post ...

Yeah, I'd say that's about the understatement of the century, young though it may be. If you claim to be "not tech savvy" then a) what the hell are you doing blogging in the first place? and b) if you're so adamantly opposed to people who aren't your friends commenting, why don't you get a friend who is tech-savvy to help you set up a solution that allows only certain people to comment?

Oh, never mind. With the way you treated Geoff et al, you probably don't have any friends who are tech-savvy enough to set that up.

For completely misunderstanding the whole purpose of blogs, and for attacking people who pointed this out to you:

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

* Let's be honest. Most people's blogs aren't exactly gripping. Rather, they're interesting to a small subset of people, usually the blogger's friends. That doesn't mean nobody has anything worthwhile to say, but the vast majority of what's out there is drivel. Geoff's blog is decidedly better than this, lest anyone get the wrong idea.

Lucas Rolin, 26, of Ardmore, TN, was killed around 2100 last Saturday when his truck ran off Interstate 65 near Athens, TN.

Tennessee Highway Patrol officers have determined a preliminary cause of the crash: loss of control due to driver distraction. Rolin was apparently trying to send a text message on his cell fone while driving.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

(via Engadget via textually)

Those silly Brits are at it again. Today's BBC:

[Michael] Jackson was 'like father' to boy

So would that be the Catholic definition of "father?"

Ba-dum *ching*...

A snake in Taiwan has swallowed its own tail in an attempt to become the Ouroboros.

(via Dave Barry)

Jack Miller's insightful commentary on the rumoured digital-download price hike:

We figure we're looking at an imminent industry-mandated price hike to, say, $34.99 per song download and $499.99 per album in order to slam the brakes on this runaway profit train and get consumers downloading music illegally again, the way God intended. That way the labels can get back to complaining about how piracy is killing CD sales, and then make its money by suing twelve-year-old KaZaA users instead.

It's really rather unfortunate that no record executives will ever read AtAT or this blog. They might learn a thing or two about their customers.

And in today's episode of America's Dumbest Criminals, we have a teenager who passses fake $20 bills in front of uniformed sheriff's deputies. He and three of his buddies were arrested last night after trying to pass four fake $20 bills at various area gas stations.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

The BBC is at it again:

Boy killed by 'giant snowball'

I don't want to laugh, but the headline is just so Weekly World News that I can't help it.

The Grey Lady has found Numa Numa Guy. Er, well, he was found by a lot of people before today, but the article is an entertaining read on the drawbacks of Internet fame.

(original "Numa Numa" video clip)

Excalibur Electronics makes this great-sounding product called the "Forever Flashlight," which uses a magnet moving through a coil of wire to produce current (the Faraday principle) that charges an ultracapacitor, which in turn powers an LED.

Great in theory, pretty useless in practise. But ThinkGeek sells them nonetheless, and on their product page, titled "Forever Flashlight," is this notice: "One-year warranty."

There's no story online yet, but WWMT is reporting that police have made one of the biggest crack busts in local history -- nearly a pound was discovered during a routine traffic stop.

CLN would like to take this opportunity to remind viewers that the only safe (and legal) crack is Virtual Crack™.

We now return to your regularly scheduled blogging.

UPDATE: WWMT now has the story online.

Common Sense Rule of Lawbreaking #385: When you're in the process of committing one crime, you probably shouldn't be carrying around large wads of cash you got from selling the methamphetamine you keep in your car. Because when you get caught, you'll get busted for both.

Of course, if criminals had common sense, they probably wouldn't be criminals, now would they?

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

"A parent's primer to computer slang," better known as "The Microsoft Guide to 13375p33|<."

(via Daring Fireball's Linked List)

From the BBC, as usual:

Microsoft releases bumper patches

For your Microsoft Car™, duh.

From the BBC:

Blue tit boom 'may cause crisis'

Many blue tits will be looking for a ... home this spring.
A ... boom among ... blue tits could cause [a] housing crisis in 2005, according to ... experts.

Data collected ... showed 2004 was a productive year for blue tits, many of whom will now be looking for their first homes.

But natural ... sites, such as ... buildings, vanish as ... houses are repaired.

According to ... data, blue tits have an average of just over seven chicks per nest....

It is thought that the average blue tit ... will eat about 10,000 invertebrates.

The BTO says that encouraging blue tits ... in the garden could provide an ecologically friendly form of pest control.

No word if booby populations are experiencing a similar boom.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Nice tits!"

(via Dave Barry)

Some people have waaaaaay too much time on their hands. Probably not safe for work, but then again, shouldn't you be working instead of reading this blog?

Now starring as the centerfold in this month's Playgeek is the iPod Shuffle.

(via Gizmodo)

I was remarking to a buddy the other day that it's been too long since we had one of these, and Kirk Marvel must have heard me. He was arrested in Iowa, where he had parked in front of a county jail, with an active meth lab and a stash of pot in his car, and gone to sleep.

(via Jalopnik)

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

I'm putting this in "humour" because it's funny, but it's also very very sad.

A site that claims to offer "News for Nerds, Stuff that Matters" should know better than to be suckered in by a PR campaign for tinfoil-coated ground-up rocks that claim to extend cell fone battery life.

Yes, that's tinfoil-coated, ground-up rocks that claim to extend cell fone battery life.

Has "Jump the Shark" started covering popular Web sites yet? Because Slashdot just jumped the shark. Big time.

Back in elementary school, we studied garbage and recycling and landfills and stuff — specifically, how to reduce the amount of waste going into landfills so as to avoid having to construct new ones, because nobody wants a landfill in their backyard. (These people are called NIMBYs, for "Not In My Back Yard.")

Well, I wouldn't mind a landfill so much as I would mind a 2000-ton pile of burning cow manure that I'm sure smells just angelic.

The Amateur Gourmet has managed to come up with cupcakes bearing a remarkable resemblance to the television images of a certain "wardrobe malfunction" during last year's Super Bowl.

(via Dave Barry)

Or, at least, an amphibious one. I wonder why they held this announcement until two weeks after the North American International Auto Show.

(via Jalopnik)

Quite possibly the only thing I've ever agreed with Rush Limbaugh on. Except for his last couple comments, that is.

JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

From a six-year-old opinion piece about Skyline Chili:

That insouciant PC, made giddy by a new microchip, is dancing around to the most excruciatingly awful, synth-minimal version of "I Feel Pretty" — the great song from "West Side Story" — you could ever imagine.

(Thanks, Eric.)

Leading off the morning's MWSF coverage (Surprise! You didn't know we were covering it, did you?) is this entry, from the now-i-can-store-all-my-klingon-battle-dildos-in-style department:

The TrestleHub by PressureDrop

(From Gizmodo)

Andrew Fisher, a 20-year-old Nebraskan, is selling advertising space on his forehead on eBay.

(From Slashdot)

Setting: A generic conference room in Corporate America. Two Hands and a Head are seated at a large table.

Head: I've called you here today because I want to make a very important introduction. Right Hand, I want you to meet Left Hand.

Right Hand: Glad to meet you!

Left Hand: Charmed, i'm sure. So, where do you work?

Right Hand: Oh, I work at Microsoft.

Left Hand: Really? What a co-inkly-dink! So do I!

Hands begin an animated discussion about their jobs. Scene fades to black, and a corporate-sounding voice says, "Despite this dramatic introduction, the Right Hand still doesn't know what the Left Hand is doing.

Update (2129 07 January 2005): Microsoft, as I anticipated, has edited the photo linked above. The image below is the original.

From BoingBoing comes this gem:

CNN "Crossfire" host Carlson to stop hurting America

(via Meerkat, via Boston Eric)

This time in the form of today's Slashdot Poll.

My vote: "Verbing weirds language," of course.

Thank you, Bill Watterson.

Thank you, Dr. Seuss, for coming up with material that can be so easily and effectively satirized.

(Cue the jokes about lawsuits by Ludlow...)

I was pointed to Lowbrow earlier this evening, and I've been laughing for about three straight hours.

Not safe for work, but then, neither is bash.org, and that's never stopped anyone before...

This one comes to you courtesy of Colin Purrington, an associate professor of evolutionary biology at Swarthmore:

Disclaimer Stickers for Science Textbooks

Scott Pakin, perhaps best known for his automatic complaint letter generator that formerly occupied servers at the University of Illinois and the University of California at San Diego, has finally (well, as of April or something) gotten a new host for his magnum opus.

Ah, I missed you terribly. But I'm glad to have you back!

Modern Drunkard magazine presents The 86 Rules of Boozing.

Just saw an absolutely hilarious commercial. The camera is focused on a large mountain several miles away, which suddenly erupts, spewing rock and ash into the air. As large chunks of rock begin to come down near the camera, one of them turns out to be a very muddy Jeep Liberty.

The fine print at the bottom of the screen reads, "Dropping vehicles is only safe in commercials."

Best. Lawyerspeak. Ever.

The 2004 Ig Nobel prizes have been announced. Winners include papers covering "The Effect of Country Music on Suicide" and the so-called "five-second rule" covering dropped food, a patent on the comb-over, the Vatican for outsourcing prayers to India, and the inventor of karaoke.

Also covered on Slashdot.

From Jack Miller over at As the Apple Turns:

[I]f using Mac OS X is like, say, breathing through a mask in a sterile operating room of a top-rated internationally-known hospital, then Windows is roughly equivalent to licking every surface in a gas station bathroom and then kissing former Mötley Crüe drummer and BuyMusic.com spokesman Tommy Lee full on the mouth.

Priceless, I tell you. Simply priceless.

I was watching the Today show this morning and they introduced a segment (which I didn't watch, incidentally) about school administrators "endorsing" (or something — like I said, I didn't watch it) the Atkins diet and other similar low-carb fad diets in order to keep school children from getting any fatter than they already are.

The introduced the segment with a quiz. Which of the following has the most carbs:

a) doughnut
b) artichoke
c) chocolate chip cookie
d) kiwifruit

The answer is (b), an artichoke. Which is surprising, but perhaps not too surprising considering it's the one answer that looks out of place there.

Well, they proceeded to announce the segment and its sponsor. Who was...drum roll...Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

The Atkins Diet Snack Cake of Choice, right?

Some of these are incredibly lame, and there are a bunch that are missing from the list, but WTHR in Indianapolis is running a list of pickup lines. (Thanks, Eric.)

Your eyes are the color of my Porsche. — Sounds pretty good, actually. Not too arrogant, easily passed off as a joke, almost guaranteed to get a laugh.

Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date? — Funny, but terribly lame at the same time. Chances of success: I'd give it about 50% at best.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? — This is a great way to get slapped.

Hi. I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. — This one's really tricky. If you can deliver it right, it's a killer line. The problem is that most people can't deliver it right without sounding like total jackasses.

Do you believe in love at first site or shall I walk by again? — Only if when you walk by again, you've learned how to spell properly. Deal?

We just got a new roommate down here, who happens to be my roommate's former flight instructor, and he hadn't been here for two hours before he gained eternal fame with this quote, right after NBC showed Jamie Nieto getting ready to high-jump in the Olympics:

I didn't know Will Smith was in the Olympics!

Oh man, he's so right.

I give you...

"Toothing."

The Register's explanation and Wikipedia's should suffice.

Uh, yuck?

It's a tie. I couldn't decide between this thread about IBM Thinkpads and this story about the Segway revolutionising the game of polo. Yes, as in the "this device is going to change the world" two-wheeled electric scooter, and as in uppity British types with über-expensive horses and big wooden mallets and stuff.

In light of Lance Armstrong's record sixth (and six consecutive) Tour de France title, the BBC is running an article highlighting the greatest individual sports feats of all time.

As per their usual practise, reader comments are solicited, which one wag has taken full advantage of in claiming, "Emile Heskey once controlled a ball, this achievement far outweighs any of the others you have mentioned!"

OK, so I'm a bit late to the party here, but it's still funny.

Rejected "Dirty" iMix Playlist
Rejected iPod Engravings

Give 'em a look and laugh.

Reminds me a lot of the rejected Nike embroidery request, except without the social activism.

No, not Clinton. Chamberlain. In Binghamton, New York. At a Motel Six. You know, Tom Bodett, "We'll Leave the Light On For Ya," big-red-number-six-on-a-blue-background Motel Six.

Mr. Roger Chamberlain has been charged with felony criminal mischief after coating the entire inside of his room with Vaseline. Oh, and himself. He was found at a nearby motel after checking out, still covered in Vaseline.

Lube, anyone?

An Odessa, Texas high school student is now in the hospital after taking a two-dollar dare to drink chemicals from his high school chem lab.

You always wondered why they had to say "NEVER TASTE ANY CHEMICALS IN THE LAB" in all those safety videos...well, this kid is why.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Last Saturday, a bunch of high school seniors in Lexington, KY, got together and decided they needed to go out and do something that would make that night memorable for the rest of their lives.

You know you're in Kentucky when the thing high school seniors think of doing when they want to make a night memorable is that storied game...

Throwing Things Off The Interstate Overpass

Well, apparently this bunch of high school seniors forgot to tell their friend Jacob Thompson that he wasn't supposed to throw himself over said overpass.

Mr. Thompson died after falling 27 feet to the shoulder of I-64.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

As one passenger recently found out, Qantas Airlines of Australia are now the world leaders in fresh airline food. So fresh, in fact, that when you order a frog-legs salad, it comes with live frog.

Mmmm, crunchy!

The honour goes to my friend Matt's downstairs neighbour, who also gets the Insensitive Bastard of the Day, Daily Jailbird, Jackass Wifebeater of the Day, and Senseless Waste of Human Life of the Day awards.

Let's hope a 380-pound inmate named Tyrone makes real good friends with this guy in the joint.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

The crackhead who inspired this hilarious rant would be Dumbass of the Day, but he isn't really stupid...just lazy.

However, the owner of the motorcycle that was victimised is a dumbass. His spark plugs got stolen, so he a) didn't move the bike and therefore got a $35 street-sweeping ticket and b) had it towed to the dealer and then let the dealer install new spark plugs ($100 total).

A word to the not-so-wise: spark plugs, even for a Moto Guzzi, are only $5 or so each. Installing them is very very easy, and if you need a wrench, you can buy one for $10.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Setting: a man and his wife are sitting at the breakfast table in their residential bungalow.

MAN: I wish those bloody bells would stop.
WIFE: Oh, it's quite nice dear. It's Sunday. It's the church!
MAN: What about us atheists? Why should we 'ave to listen to that sectarian turmoil?
WIFE, interrupting: You're a lapsed atheist, dead.
MAN: The principle's the same. The Mohammedans don't come 'round 'ere wavin' bells at us. We don't get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom, or Hindus harmonising in the hall. The Shintoists don't come here shattering sheetglass in the shithouse, shouting slogans...
WIFE, interrupting again: All right, don't practise your alliteration on me!
(continues)

You've gotta be kidding me. I can understand the concern about noise, but the mosque is in a business district, and the church right across the street rings its bells five or more times a day already.

Woe to you, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which on the outside look beautiful, but inside they are full of the bones of the dead and of all kinds of filth. So you also on the outside look richteous to others, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Matthew 23:27-28, NRSV

Now you can take an artistic dump that everyone is sure to remember.

Double extra bonus points for anyone who manages to pull off an artistic Urinal Poop with a Turd Twister.

From yesterday's AP news wire, and printed in my local paper:

Don't apply to be a trooper while in a drunken stupor.

You'd think this would be common sense for most people. Not, apparently, for Robert Gulley.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Google News has been having some problems with images not matching up to headlines for the past few days. It was only a matter of time before something really amusing happened, and now it has:

The only hang-up: I thought Jackson was only interested in five-year-old boys...

This stylish bag is now available for just $150.

"Get yer breast bags here! Hot breast bags! I got yer hot breast bags right here!"

The Avid Acutus turntable is radically different from current design theories.

Yeah, so radically different that the average consumer — in this case, me — can immediately recognise it as a turntable.

I thought they'd at least have the cojones to make the record sit still and have the tonearm and stylus move or something. C'mon, "radically different from" doesn't mean "a clone of."

Apparently, having the ability to obtain a private pilot's licence doesn't mean you have common sense. A British balloonist (tangentially related quiz question: what's the only word in English with three double letters in a row? "Balloon" is an example of a word with two consecutive double letters.) launched a hot-air balloon from Greeley, Colorado, ascended to a claimed altitude of 42,000 feet, and landed about 3.5 hours later near Akron, about 100 miles east of Denver.

The FAA is investigating him "for several possible violations, including crossing into Denver International Airport airspace."

And for that...

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

For just $3.96, you too can own William Hung's new EP, entitled "Inspiration." (iTunes required for link to work.)

The four songs are Ricky Martin's She Bangs (of course!), R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly, Elton John's Rocket Man, and a song called Free, which I don't recognise and can't seem to find an original artist for.

My mom suggested, after hearing Hung's butchering of R. Kelly, that maybe I should try to get a record deal, too.

I told her that the difference between William Hung and me is that I have shame. And he doesn't.

See the green background? Nice touch, eh?

In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, I offer these classic Irish jokes:

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

Two old friends, Patty and Seamus, are sittin' on their front porch, sippin' pints o' Guinness. Patty turns to Seamus and asks, "Seamus, me old friend, would ye do me a favour?"

"Oh, sure, Patty, anything ya ask."

"Would ye make sure I have a nice funeral, with a piper there playin' Amazin' Grace on the pipes as they lower me into the ground?"

"Oh, sure, Patty, no problem."

A few moments later Patty turns to Seamus again and asks, "Would ye mind doin' me one last favour?"

"Oh, sure, Patty, just name it!"

"Would ye pour a bottle o' fine Irish whisky o'er me grave when I'm gone?"

Seamus thinks for a moment and asks, "Aye, Patty, no problem. But would ye be mindin' terribly if I passed it through me kidneys first?"

A young Irish lad walks into a bar in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender gives them to him, and the lad takes his three pints to a table in the corner where he sets them around the table. He takes a sip out of the first pint, a sip out of the second pint, and a sip out of the third pint. He keeps alternating pints in this fashion until they're gone.

The lad goes up to order another round, and the bartender observes, "Ye know they stay fresher, lad, if I only pour 'em one at a time."

"Aye, I do. But one of me brothers has moved to Australia, and the other to America, and when we split up, we promised each other we'd drink like this every Monday night to remember the good days of our childhood here in Dublin, when we could drink together."

Well, the bartender thinks this is a charming story, so he gives the lad his three more pints on the house. The lad becomes a real regular at this bar, and one day about a year later, he walks in and orders two pints.

The bartender notices, of course, as do all the other regulars, but no one really wants to say anything. Finally, when the lad goes up to order his second round, the bartender screws up his courage and says, "I don't mean to intrude upon your grief, but I'm terribly sorry to hear about your loss."

The young lad looks very confused for a moment, but then realises what's been said, and replies brightly, "Oh, no, sir, everything's fine. I've just quit drinkin'."

Right behind "has elected two movie stars as governor" comes "city officials nearly vote to ban foam cups because they're made with water."

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Alice Regina Pike is today's winner for trying to buy $1675 worth of merchandise at Wal-Mart (Side question: what did she buy, a thousand pairs of panties or something? I didn't think anything at Wal-Mart was that expensive!) with two gift cards.

The gift cards had a combined value of just over $2.

When that didn't work, she handed the clerk...are you ready for this?

A one-million-dollar bill.

Trivia buffs out there will remember that the United States has never issued a million-dollar bill. The highest denomination ever issued was the $100,000 bill, series 1933, which featured Woodrow Wilson and was used only for inter-bank gold transactions. It was never released for general circulation. The highest circulation issue was the $10,000 bill, featuring Lincoln's Secretary of the Treasury Salmon P. Chase. All bills over $100 were officially recalled from general circulation in 1969.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

A 19-year-old New Zealander thought it would be smart to replace his car's brake fluid with dishwashing detergent. He crashed soon afterward, though he has yet to eliminate himself from the gene pool...

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

I've been trying to convince all my h4X0r phr|3ndz that Apple was such a 'leet' company, and now I finally have proof, from Yahoo Finance at the close of trading today:

I have jury duty on 16 March. Please, God, let me get a case like this one.

I promise I'll try my best to keep a straight face when the defence counsel states, in his closing arguments, "You, the jury, have heard testimony that my client was otherwise occupied and most certainly could not have been driving Mr. Esposito's vehicle while simultaneously performing oral sex on him."

Is it really 01 March already? Where did February go?

More speficially, why did it skip from 29 February straight to 01 March? I didn't even get until the 31st to claim my prize.

Uh-huh-huh. Dude, I like, found a picthure of ballcock nuth..uh-huh-huh...huh-huh...on the, uh, Internet...uh-huh-huh:

The page title is very good too. Thanks, Evan.

I've been doing some upgrading lately.

For my best friend's parents' toilets.

Shaddup. It's money.

Anyway, I've been replacing the fill valves with this amazing little thing by Plumb Shop. It's basically silent when refilling the tank, and it completely eliminated water hammer on one of our toilets and reduced it to a soft "thunk" on another. Amazing little device. I'm totally sold on them.

Well, to get to the point of the story, when you install these things, you tend to have some hardware left over, especially if you upgrade the supply lines to the valve with braided stainless steel at the same time. Now, those of you somewhat familiar with toilet hardware will remember the old name for the fill valve, which is quite possibly the funniest name for any piece of hardware ever, including the "ball-peen hammer:"

BALLCOCK.

Uh-huh-huh. Huh...uh...huh-huh. He thaid "ball-cock." Uh...Huh-huh.
Yeah! Yeah! Ballcock! Heh-heh, yeah! Ballcock!

Oh no. It gets better. Remember I said I had hardware left over? That little fill valve comes with a fastener that attaches the supply line to the threaded nipple (Heh-heh! Nipple!) on the valve. This is called...are you ready for it?

The "ballcock nut."

Yeah! Heh-heh! Ballcock nuts!
Dude, uh, like, thettle down, Beavith. Uh...huh-huh...you thaid "ballcock nuth." Huh-huh...nuth...for ballcocth...uh-huh-huh!

I'm totally putting these spare parts in a little baggie and hitting people with it. Then I can tell them they just got "sacked" by my "ballcock nuts."

I wonder how many ballcock nuts this $5000 French Merovingian throne needs?

My mom and I just got back from Meijer, where we were again reminded that people are really dumb.

See, she bought about half a pound (this is important later, so take note) of sugar peas, which were marked $1.99/lb. They rang up at $2.99/lb.

My mom, being the observant and obsessive receipt-checker that she is, noticed the error and went to customer service after paying. After a long discussion with the girl there, she was issued a $1 refund. Understandably confused by this, my mom asked for an explanation, whereupon the girl replied:

Well, they were marked $1.99 [per pound], and we charged you $2.99 [per pound], so the difference is a dollar.

Meijer had better hope they haven't hired many more people this intelligent.

A (former) South Haven Public Schools assistant principal has admitted he planted pot in a student's locker in order to get the student, whom he believed was a drug dealer, expelled.

If you think your school officials are out to get you, you might be right.

I was just browsing through some of my spam this month when I came across one of those "You just won an internet lotto" scams. Normally, it wouldn't have interested me at all, but I noticed this in the body of the message:

Remember all winning must be claimed not later than 31st of FEB 2004.

Uhm...yeah. I'll await that deadline with bated breath.

Idiots. Gimme my two million Euro.

...to me!
Happy half-birthday toooo meeeee!
Happy half-birthday dear meeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee!
Happy half-birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaay toooooooooooooo (big finish) meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

That's all.

From Snoop Dogg comes this gem:

I'd rather be a pimp than a gang-banger, because I grew up being a gang-banger, and I tell you, you live longer being a pimp.

In honour of the release of Disney's Pirates of the Carribean, I offer you these groaners:

Did you hear what Pirates of the Carribean is rated?
Aaarrgh! (Thanks, Cathy.)

Ah, but do you know why?
Because of all the booty!

What do they charge pirates to get their ears pierced?
Aaarrgh! Buccaneer! (Thanks, Kim.)

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender hands him the drink and says, "I couldn't help but notice that there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants." The pirate responds, "Aaarrgh! It's driving me nuts!"

Thank you, thank you. I'll be in town until Tuesday. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Oh yeah, and don't forget the pirate keyboard.

Those of you who are "experienced" will probably remember that grocery stores tend to make "personal hygiene" items rather ambiguous on cash register receipts. Comdoms, for instance, usually register as "lubricant," and that sort of thing. I bought some more anti-dandruff shampoo this evening at Meijer and watched in great amusement as the following line appeared on the checkout display and on my receipt:

DANDRUFF       38151513900       2.94

Three bucks seems kinda pricey for a bottle of someone else's dead skin, if you ask me.

...who swallowed a fly/I don't know why she swallowed a fly/Perhaps she'll die.

Remember that one? Yeah, well, an Israeli woman didn't.

I'm not sure what's scarier - that she swallowed a large cockroach, or that she thought going after it with a salad fork was a good idea. Me, well, hey, the roach is already down - you did the hard part. Just leave it be and let your stomach go to work. Forks don't digest as well, and they hurt like a sonofabitch going down.

Brookfield, Ill. - James Harrison and Lester Edwards, Brookfield Middle School honor roll students and recently-exposed Al Qaeda "sleeper" operatives, were arrested under the Patriot Act Wednesday when the CIA and FBI's Echelon eavesdropping system overheard Harrison suggest to Edwards that they "blow this pop stand." Nothing resembling a so-called "pop stand" has been found in the area, and authorities are now combing nearby Chicago suburbs for targets matching this description. Meanwhile, the states of Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and England have been placed on Full Magenta Alert Status, prompting residents to do absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, blithely ignorant of the enormous threat to their safety and well-being that was narrowly averted yesterday.

"Quite frankly, I'm relieved to have yet another rag-head threat to personal liberty safely behind bars in Guantanamo," said George Tenet, director of the CIA, at a press conference earlier. "Let this be a lesson to all sand niggers that your 'sleeper cells' of terrorists will be rooted out and their enemy combatants held without stated cause outside U.S. shores in barnyard-like accomodations until we feel damn good and ready to think about the possibility that we might, some day, charge them with a crime. But maybe not. We'll see what our lawyers think we can get away with, by which we mean we write the laws and you mere citizens have to follow them, by God, or we'll make Dubya educate your children personally." Tenet then turned from the microphone and ran back into the building under a hail of rotten vegetables.

"What he said," stated British Prime Minister Tony Blair. "Being the obedient lap dog of an illegitimately appointed President sure makes me opinionated! Down with Iraq! Yay for Bush!"

The boys' families were not available for comment, but a loud wailing sound was heard coming from the general area of the Burkhart subdivision, where the two boys had been enjoying their summer vacation. The ACLU expects the boys' case to come before the Supreme Court sometime after their 40th birthdays, at which time the ultra-conservative majority put in place by Congress's blanket approval of George W. Bush's appointees will immediately throw it out on its ear, citing the Constitutional clause giving the Supreme Court the Right to Appoint Presidents, Imprison Arabs, and Thumb its Nose at the Other Two Branches of Government.

"Human head found floating near marina" is today's entry. The head is suspected to be connected to the discovery in April of a torso in a car and two legs in a nearby embankment. The car's owner, a 34-year-old Rochester man, has been charged with first-degree murder.

Who would you rather have for President? George Bush or Tic-Tacs? I'm leaning toward the Tic-Tacs. Make sure you check out the rest of the directory as well.

From Homer Simpson at the close of Mr Plow:

Our forecast calls for flurries of passion, with extended periods of gettin' it on.

Tony, this one's for you, because it sounded exactly like something you'd say, and it even sounded a lot like you.

Note to self: don't go for a job interview at the place I just robbed the night before.

Note to the US Navy: seven-year-old boys can't serve in combat. Yet. And whilst you're at it, do you think you could take Ben Lawson off your recruiting list, too? He doesn't exist. Stop calling my parents and bothering them.

Finally, in the proving-modern-art-is-really-just-a-pile-of-garbage category, some electricians at the Dia:Beacon museum threw together a sculpture as a prank and it took a week for anyone to notice. Please tell me this doesn't surprise you.

The BBC currently has Homer Simpson winning a poll of Greatest American Ever. Abraham Lincoln is a distant second, with Martin Luther King, Jr. close behind in third. Fourth place goes to none other than Mr. T.

Mmmmm...unscientific polling on the Internet...

I guess telling you what the first two sightings were might be useful.

See, it all started with this. That was what inspired the idea of ninja sightings in the first place.

The first sighting was a poster - which I regrettably didn't rip off the wall and bring home - found in the lobby of the chemistry building at U of M advertising a ninja movie-making contest.

Sighting number two is the recent Discover card commercial wherein a rather overweight middle-aged guy attempts to use his little keychain-sized Discover card to fight off some ninjas flipping out hard. Of course, he fails, and the tagline for the commercial is something along the lines of "Not good for a ninja fight."

Which brings me to sighting number three. McDonald's is running a commercial for this horrid-sounding new sandwich called the "McGriddle," and it stars Alfonso Ribeiro (or at least someone who looks exactly like him). His wife sees a newspaper ad for the new sandwich and asks him if he's ever seen anything stranger, and as she finishes saying this, a little old black lady walking by on the sidewalk is beset by six ninjas who really want to wail on their jet red guitars and kill the whole town because the old black lady dropped a spoon. She proceeds to do her own flipping out - by which I mean flipping the heck out of there - and Ribeiro just sort of shakes his head.

If you haven't seen it, you need to watch more TV.

As seen on a panhandling harmonica player's sign on the Diag today:

Truth is very precious. Use it sparingly.

All I have to say to this is, "WTF?" This is a log of a conversation I just had on Adium (an AIM client). I was busy working on the Vedejs research group WWW site at the time, and some guy apparently thought, well, just read it...

(20:34:37)konan12:hello?
(20:34:46)lowendmacchris:uhmmm
(20:34:49)lowendmacchris:whoodis?
(20:35:08)konan12:I am atticus
(20:35:32)lowendmacchris:who?
(20:35:46)konan12:I have a question about Mackintosh computers.
(20:36:01)lowendmacchris:who the hell is atticus?
(20:36:07)konan12:ME
(20:36:12)konan12:I go by atticus
(20:36:19)lowendmacchris:you're gonna have to do better than that.
(20:36:24)konan12:so people don't find me and kill me in my sleep
(20:36:32)konan12:what are u talkign aboot?
(20:37:17)lowendmacchris:i don't know who you are and i don't know anything about you, so start talking or buzz off. I have better things to do with my time.
(20:37:41)konan12:I have a simple question about mackintoshs, wtf is your problem?
(20:38:07)lowendmacchris:anonymous people who are too paranoid for their own good who think i owe them private one-on-one help when i'm busy.
(20:38:09)lowendmacchris:that's what.
(20:38:35)konan12:if you're too busy to talk to people, you shouldn't be on an IMing service where people TALK to you.
(20:38:35)lowendmacchris:Tell me who you are and where you came from and you'll find me much more receptive.
(20:38:51)lowendmacchris:re-read what i wrote.
(20:38:52)lowendmacchris:anonymous people who are too paranoid for their own good who think i owe them private one-on-one help when i'm busy.
(20:38:58)lowendmacchris:key word there being anonymous.
(20:43:10)konan12:BLAH!
<konan12 came back (20:43:20)>
<konan12 signed off (20:43:20)>

As some people would say, "GS!" (Hi, Jo!)

Mind if we search the car you're driving? You know, the one you bought from the US Marshals three months ago? Because we think you're running drugs.

Oh, hey, look at that. We were right. Two hundred pounds of pot in your bumper. What's that you say? It was there when we sold you the car and we just didn't see it?

Oops.

Yes, that really happened. And Jose Aguado Cervantes is now suing the US Government for negligence.

Let's start off the week with something to lighten the mood somewhat, before I committ a total buzz-kill with my ramblings on the fragility of life.

Anyone who doesn't like Dubya should see this immediately.

And anyone who has had or is planning to have children should go read Irony Central's Baby Story before changing another diaper.

Go. Read. Now.

Well, OK, maybe not death. But prison sounds like a good plan for the parole violator who was caught kissing his girlfriend at the Reds' game three weeks ago.

Note to self: never make out with girls - or persons of any other gender(s) - at public sporting events. Especially if I've been violating my parole recently, and I have any inkling that my PO is at the game.

Anyone seen the new Saab commercial, where the voiceover wonders what might happen if all cars were turbocharged? He later says, "All Saabs are made in the state of independence."

I'd just like to take this opportunity to note that Saab is owned by General Motors.

"Oh, it's quite nice, dear. It's Sunday. It's the Church."
"What about us atheists? Why should we 'ave to listen to that sectarian turmoil?"
"You're a lapsed atheist, dear."
"The principle's the same. The Mohmedans don't come 'round here wavin' bells at us! We don't get Buddhists playing bagpipes in our bathroom! Or Hindus harmonizing in the hall! The Shintus don't come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse, shouting slogans..."

One of these days I'm going to stop seeing Monty Python references in everything.

Nah!

Remember the old saying "There's no such thing as bad publicity?" Someone tell the residents of Battle Mountain, Nevada - a.k.a. the nation's armpit, according to Washington Post Magazine - to stop taking it so literally. Hey, at least they got Old Spice to sponsor the annual Festival of the Pit.

But really. We all know that Flint, Michigan, is the armpit of America. C'mon.

Also from the BBC, which appears to be the source of all the funny headlines lately, comes "Badger Rampage Injures Five," in which five Britons were attacked in separate incidents over a 48-hour period by a deranged badger before police managed to subdue and euthanise the animal. One man was taken to hospital and given two skin grafts to repair damage the badger inflicted upon his arm and leg.

Note that rabies has never been introduced to England, so it can't explain the badger's bizarre behaviour. Maybe the British are facing an epidemic of Mad Badger Disease...

So Hooters got into the airline business a while back. Now we have the Fly Naked flights chartered by Castaways Travel.

Do I really need to put two and two together for you? How long until we have Deja Vu strip clubs in the Friendly Skies? Reminds me of a line from the Ghetto Airlines spoof: "These fat, round, thick-ass vessels run up in the sky so deep, it be cryin'."

When I sat down to start tonight's blog run, I had just seen a commercial that I still can't believe that I saw.

Ever seen those crackers called "Stoned Wheat Thins?" Maybe it's just me, but those sound like they're about the best munchies food ever. Well, I caught the last bit of Motor Trend TV on Speedvision this evening and there was a commercial for some newfangled aerosol glass cleaner called "Invisible Glass." The telephone number to call?

1-888-4-STONER

I'm not making this up. It gets better: the company that sells the stuff is called Stoner, Inc.

Wow.

I can't possibly be the only person to have noticed the comparative silliness of the fastest novel ever and the Monty Python sketch that I'm sure played some part in the idea.

This is something only a very select few people will find amusing, but I'm putting it together because those people will find it amusing and I'm <voice type="Jimmy Jones">all about hardcore amusing people.</voice> (And even fewer people will get that reference, and the intersection of the set of people who get the former and the set of people who get the latter probably has as its sole element yours truly.)

Anyway.

The list so far:

• Sadistic Eddie
• Sadistic Dave
• Sadistic Dendler ( = Sadistic² Dave)
• Nikki Finneman's Evil Twin
• Anti-Sadistic Frank Church
• Sadistic Przybyz (that's "SHIBB-ish" for you non-Polish folks)
• Sadistic Corey
• Sadistic Geiger

I guess I probably ought to give at least a basic explanation. Sophomore year of college, one of the freshmen in my psych class bore a very striking (yet somewhat evil) resemblance to one of my friends (whose name was Eddie). So he became "Sadistic Eddie." My buddy Dave and I took the concept to new heights senior year in the cafeteria, mostly by accident, as people who looked like slightly demented versions of our friends just kept walking by. The concept took a turn for the silly when we started applying mathematical principles to the various levels of sadism, inventing inverse-sadist concepts, etc. But at this point, the basic categories have been defined: sadistic, anti-sadistic, and "evil twin," which is loosely defined as "way more sadistic than sadistic, almost a sadistic² but in the same person rather than via an intermediary." (If you had seen Nikki Finneman's Evil Twin you'd know what I mean.)

One thing Dave and I have both noticed (Dave swears I'm the only one with the talent for seeing the sadistic versions of our friends, so maybe it's just me) is that our male friends seem to be much more prone to having sadistic versions of themselves running around than our female friends. Maybe it's just because it's hard for girls to look sadistic and strongly resemble people we know.

Thoughts? Theories? Seen a sadistic version of your friend(s)? Let me know...

I can just see how this developed now...

"Hey, look, Jeb, a 'tater gun!"
"Yeah, Billy Ray! I just done got it over that thar Innernet las' week. Let's go shoot us some spuds!"
"Sounds fun, Jeb! I'll grab that big ol' sack Maw has under the back porch."

(15 minutes later, after Billy Ray's mom's 20-pound sack of potatoes has been launched somewhere in the general vicinity of the next county and the can of hairspray still hasn't run out...)

"Hey, Jeb, we shore used up them taters quick. Let's find some other crap ta shoot!"
"I know, Billy Ray! We can ketch us some frogs an' see how far THEY go!"
"Great idea, Jeb!"

(They go down to the local creek and snoop around for a few minutes, managing to snag a single frog about the size of a fist and failing to catch about 20 more that are all immediately repelled by the vicious B.O. rays the two boys are emitting.)

"Here, Billy Ray! I GOT one! Awright! Now you hold the gun an' I'll load 'im in."
"Hey, gimme the Aqua Net, Jeb! I gotta get 'er ready to fahr!"

(They fill the combustion chamber with hair spray and put the frog in the barrel. The frog, being rather intelligent, unlike our two heroes, tries to get away, preventing a hermetic seal in the barrel.)

"All right! Three...two...one... *click*"
"Hey, what the hell was that, Billy Ray? Nuthin' happened! You done broke my hunnert-dollar 'tater gun!"
"Naw, Jeb - the frog's jes' stuck in thar. Have a look!"

(As Jeb looks in, the frog, who has been trying quite unsuccessfully to escape, suddenly jumps into the combustion chamber and activates the sparking mechanism. A loud boom follows, and we are suddenly treated to the answer to the joke "What's blind, wet, red and green all over?" Jeb, of course...)

Potato guns, like most other forms of firearms, are perfectly legal in Texas, so prosecutors are not going to press charges. Apparently, they have completely forgotten that using living creatures as ammunition for said guns is still illegal in all 50 states.

Some people just don't have a clue. From MacMinute:

According to [Opera software] chief executive Jon von Tetzchner, Opera has "decided to stick with the Mac after all, citing ... what he called market demand for the Mac product."

Right. We Mac users are clamoring for a browser that sucks worse than Jenna Jameson the day before her period. Because we really need another browser that supports fewer standards than Netscape 4, or IE 3.

Opera, why can't you just go away?

April, according to my latest DTE Energy bill, is "Dig Safely Month." Send your loved ones a shovel and flowers to celebrate. [Insert further snarky commentary here.]

For those of you who don't know, Ferris State University is in Big Rapids, Michigan, about an hour north of Grand Rapids on US-131.

And they just banned gravity on campus.

I saw a link to The Jargon Dictionary on a forum yesterday. Be sure not to let the magic smoke out of your computer ;)

Favourite entry: bogo-sort.

I'm still laughing.

Bill Gates was assassinated today. Or, uh, wait a second...no, he wasn't. Shoot.

Question for Korean stockbrokers: why did you think Bill Gates's assassination would affect how Microsoft is run? He stepped down as CEO over a year ago and doesn't meddle in the day-to-day affairs of the company to any great extent any more.

In honor of yesterday, I present the Top 100 April Fools' Pranks of All Time...

Is it any wonder that we have Enrons and Worldcoms and Martha Stewart when businesses make decisions like these?

I'm a big fan of:

3 What the hell. It worked with that Chaucer term paper they "wrote" in college.
After hyping its new disposable cell phone as "innovative" and "technologically advanced," Hop-On (HPON) sends a sample to a San Francisco Chronicle reporter, who cracks open the casing to uncover the phone's "revolutionary" secret: Nokia parts. The company explains that it had run into glitches and had missed its deadline.

4 As for what's in it, we're guessing Nokia parts.
In an attempt to show that, no, really, they're serious about this cloning thing, Clonaid sells the RMX 2010, a $9,220 contraption that ... well, nobody's quite sure what it does. To help clarify the matter, Clonaid lends one to a British science museum -- under strict orders not to open it to find out what's inside.

From a friend's AIM away message:

your love is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.

Honourable Mention:

Whatever it took to help Taiwan defend theirself.

--President George W. Bush, on how far we'd be willing to go to defend Taiwan, Good Morning America, 25 April 2001

From a friend:

Rene Descartes walks into a bar, sits down and has a beer. When he finishes the bartender asks if he'd like another. Descartes says "I think not," and disappears.

Yeah, uh, just take a look at these. I'm still laughing.

Ninjas are AWESOME and TOTALLY sweet! If you haven't seen The Official Ninja Web Page, go there now. It's been over a year since I discovered it and it's still hilarious. Bonus points for stopping by The Official Ninja Forum and reading the Luke Skywalker vs. Ninjas thread. Fav quote: "Any organization that prohibits porking Natalie Portman sucks a fat bumpy dong."

Now when I meet Natalie and she finds out I wrote that, she'll probably not like that so much, but, well, it was all in good fun, right, Nat? :)

Some of the various knockoffs are hysterical too.

So I was just on AIM with one of my good friends from undergrad (Hi, Jessie!) and she suggested I mention this kid in my blog. One of my roommates discovered it last year - I think one of his buddies sent it to him - and turned up his speakers one day and left the page up and locked his door and left.

Go on. Try it. I dare you.

Almost as funny is what you get when you search Google for the scary kid's catch-phrase.

Bye...thanks for stopping by!

--chris@hellomyfuturegirlfriend.net (Yes, I really registered it.)

As seen on the wall of the bathroom in the basement of the UGLi:

"God is dead." - Nietsche
"Nietsche is dead." - God

After learning Gore was appointed to Apple's board of directors yesterday, "President" Bush immediately demanded a recount.

Good thing Jeb isn't on Apple's board.

I probably don't read the Onion as much as I should. I certainly don't read it as much as I used to. But man, sometimes, I really kick myself for not reading it more often. I have a bunch of friends who graduated college and became teachers, and I can totally see some of them doing this. I can also think of a couple who would be Adam Sigler (hi Dave!). Not that there's anything wrong with that.