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Yaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! In honour of International Talk Like a Pirate Day and the ongoing feud between ninjas and pirates, Blizza Blizza is proud to present a discussion of the relative merits of the two schools of combat.

Pirates fly the Jolly Roger, an awesome flag. Ninjas fly. Advantage: push.

Ninjas flip out and kill whole towns because somebody dropped a spoon. No pirate has ever or could ever do that. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have the coolest language. No ninja ever said the words “booty,” “wench,” or “Avast!” Advantage: pirates.

Ninjas are experts at flipping out and killing people, sometimes taking on as many as several hundred enemies at once. Pirates attack in a large group, taking on weaker foes. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates, on the other hand, can fight — and win — with only one eye, one-and-a-half legs, one hand, a hook, and a parrot on their shoulder. Ninjas require all limbs and good vision to be effective. Advantage: pirates.

Pirates get Keira Knightley. Ninjas get…Bruce Lee? Advantage: pirates, big time.

However, ninjas get to pork babes so hot that steam comes out of the babes’ hair and/or ears. Pirates get…Kiera Knightley. Nobody wants sloppy seconds. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have cool names involving the colour of their facial hair. Ninjas are anonymous. Advantage: pirates.

Chuck Norris, despite his beard and occasional limp, is clearly a ninja. Since nobody has ever defeated Chuck Norris… Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have cannon, pistols, guns, and swords. Ninjas bring a bo staff and numchucks to a gun fight. Advantage: pirates.

Ninjas have good teeth. Pirates have wooden dentures. British wooden dentures. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates sail ships anywhere they please on the high seas, pillaging at will. A ninja’s primary mode of transportation is his own two feet. Advantage: pirates.

Pirates had their heyday in the 1600s. Ninjas are upstairs, right now, waiting to kill you silently in your sleep with a toothbrush. Advantage: ninjas.

Either Chuck Norris (obviously), Bruce Lee, or Jackie Chan could take on Jack Sparrow and his entire crew, all at once, with one hand, while simultaneously impregnating Jack’s girlfriend with ninja triplets, in their sleep. Advantage: ninjas.

Ninjas wail on jet-red guitars so hard that it makes pirates’ boners explode with a whistling sound. Pirates play primitive musical instruments and sing poorly, destroying boners in a less spectacular (but similarly effective) fashion. Advantage: push.