Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

See the green background? Nice touch, eh?

In the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day, I offer these classic Irish jokes:

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

Two old friends, Patty and Seamus, are sittin’ on their front porch, sippin’ pints o’ Guinness. Patty turns to Seamus and asks, “Seamus, me old friend, would ye do me a favour?”

“Oh, sure, Patty, anything ya ask.”

“Would ye make sure I have a nice funeral, with a piper there playin’ Amazin’ Grace on the pipes as they lower me into the ground?”

“Oh, sure, Patty, no problem.”

A few moments later Patty turns to Seamus again and asks, “Would ye mind doin’ me one last favour?”

“Oh, sure, Patty, just name it!”

“Would ye pour a bottle o’ fine Irish whisky o’er me grave when I’m gone?”

Seamus thinks for a moment and asks, “Aye, Patty, no problem. But would ye be mindin’ terribly if I passed it through me kidneys first?”

A young Irish lad walks into a bar in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender gives them to him, and the lad takes his three pints to a table in the corner where he sets them around the table. He takes a sip out of the first pint, a sip out of the second pint, and a sip out of the third pint. He keeps alternating pints in this fashion until they’re gone.

The lad goes up to order another round, and the bartender observes, “Ye know they stay fresher, lad, if I only pour ‘em one at a time.”

“Aye, I do. But one of me brothers has moved to Australia, and the other to America, and when we split up, we promised each other we’d drink like this every Monday night to remember the good days of our childhood here in Dublin, when we could drink together.”

Well, the bartender thinks this is a charming story, so he gives the lad his three more pints on the house. The lad becomes a real regular at this bar, and one day about a year later, he walks in and orders two pints.

The bartender notices, of course, as do all the other regulars, but no one really wants to say anything. Finally, when the lad goes up to order his second round, the bartender screws up his courage and says, “I don’t mean to intrude upon your grief, but I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss.”

The young lad looks very confused for a moment, but then realises what’s been said, and replies brightly, “Oh, no, sir, everything’s fine. I’ve just quit drinkin’.”

posted by Chris on 17 March 2004 at 0138 in humour


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