Terrorist Threat Narrowly Averted, ‘Sleeper’ Operatives Held

Brookfield, Ill. - James Harrison and Lester Edwards, Brookfield Middle School honor roll students and recently-exposed Al Qaeda “sleeper” operatives, were arrested under the Patriot Act Wednesday when the CIA and FBI’s Echelon eavesdropping system overheard Harrison suggest to Edwards that they “blow this pop stand.” Nothing resembling a so-called “pop stand” has been found in the area, and authorities are now combing nearby Chicago suburbs for targets matching this description. Meanwhile, the states of Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and England have been placed on Full Magenta Alert Status, prompting residents to do absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, blithely ignorant of the enormous threat to their safety and well-being that was narrowly averted yesterday.

“Quite frankly, I’m relieved to have yet another rag-head threat to personal liberty safely behind bars in Guantanamo,” said George Tenet, director of the CIA, at a press conference earlier. “Let this be a lesson to all sand niggers that your ‘sleeper cells’ of terrorists will be rooted out and their enemy combatants held without stated cause outside U.S. shores in barnyard-like accomodations until we feel damn good and ready to think about the possibility that we might, some day, charge them with a crime. But maybe not. We’ll see what our lawyers think we can get away with, by which we mean we write the laws and you mere citizens have to follow them, by God, or we’ll make Dubya educate your children personally.” Tenet then turned from the microphone and ran back into the building under a hail of rotten vegetables.

“What he said,” stated British Prime Minister Tony Blair. “Being the obedient lap dog of an illegitimately appointed President sure makes me opinionated! Down with Iraq! Yay for Bush!”

The boys’ families were not available for comment, but a loud wailing sound was heard coming from the general area of the Burkhart subdivision, where the two boys had been enjoying their summer vacation. The ACLU expects the boys’ case to come before the Supreme Court sometime after their 40th birthdays, at which time the ultra-conservative majority put in place by Congress’s blanket approval of George W. Bush’s appointees will immediately throw it out on its ear, citing the Constitutional clause giving the Supreme Court the Right to Appoint Presidents, Imprison Arabs, and Thumb its Nose at the Other Two Branches of Government.

posted by Chris on 04 July 2003 at 1019 in humour

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