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I’ve somehow managed to avoid seeing the horrid-looking Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo, though I still curse Touchstone for sticking its trailer at the front of High Fidelity every time I watch the DVD. I firmly believe the rest of humanity should join me in my avoidance of this film.

Unfortunately, that quest just got a lot harder, as Columbia Pictures has inexplicably not only financed, but actually consented to distribute and promote, a sequel, unimaginatively titled Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo. (What, did the Olsen twins’ production studio write the title for this crap?) Patrick Goldstein, movie critic for the Los Angeles Times, in a piece about the 2005 Academy Awards’ Best Picture nominees, lambasted Columbia Pictures for passing on several highly decorated movies to produce said sequel, saying:

[Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo] was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic.

This did not go unnoticed by Rob Schneider, who apparently took offense at being accused of making a running gag of penis jokes. Schneider took out full-page attack ads in a couple magazines questioning Goldstein’s credibility, notably stating:

Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind … Maybe you didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven’t invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who’s Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers.

Roger Ebert has seen the sequel, and his opinion ain’t pretty. We now get to the quote of the day:

As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

(via Lee, who has his own take on this whole stinky mess)