“Locusts” Update

In the spirit of Dave Barry’s updates on Fox’s hit “24”, Blizza Blizza is proud to bring you the world premiere “Locusts” update.

2102: Tasty Blonde Girl is so going to get eaten.

2108: Apparently Gavin Vereek is running a sketchy little side project that has created these weird things.

2112: Ooh, Xena just fired Gavin.

2113: Was that a locust in the drain? Also, Xena seems to be married. And she wears suits!

2115: Xena’s husband has just kicked her out, probably because he found out about Gabrielle.

2116: Someone tell Donald Bellisario they stole his little computer-typing-in-green-text title idea.

2117: They’ve — and by “they” I mean Angry Husband — been using Sulphate of Potash Magnesium!

2120: Caricatured African Diplomats are laughing at how stupid American men are. And Xena is going to have Angry Abandoned Husband’s baby! If the grasshoppers don’t eat it first.

2121: Ominous music and tents. Nice visual pun.

2122: Token Black Guy is definitely Not Tickling Token Black Girlfriend. Those locusts are horny little buggers. Token Black Guy should not take this lying down.

2123: Still no IPEX commercials. This bears investigating. Xena needs to be brought in.

2126: We fear for the welfare of windshields everywhere.

2128: Xena is not wearing an IPEX halter top.

2130: Creepy Scientist Gavin (not his real name) suspects something.

2132: The bus windshield is no match for the iron heads of locusts!

2133: Resistant to all known pesticides, but easily succumbs to the spray of a CO2 fire extinguisher? We don’t think so.

2135: Three commercial breaks already and not one Ortho commercial? Someone at CBS missed a Golden Opportunity™.

2139: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Dead locusts are a biohazard and must be disposed of properly.

2142: Xena is still not wearing any IPEX products. Also, Pittsburgh is now in the Great Lakes region.


2145: They are Closing Down the Festival!

2148: Stacey looks good today. And we cannot disagree.

2150: Surprise!

2151: “They can’t get in the building.” Yeah, right.

2158: A whole hour, and not one IPEX commercial. This is criminal.

2200: The Government thinks The Terrorists are behind it. And BJ is Xena’s dad.

2205: Just to reiterate, Locusts Eat EVERYTHING!

2206: It’s a Sign from God. Someone should tell NBC.

2208: Even the sheep are scared.

2211: She is pregnant. With an alien grasshopper baby, probably. That way, CBS can have a sequel.

2215: I wonder if locusts taste good with ranch…

2216: Still no IPEX commercials. Things are getting critical. Maybe the locusts ate the entire production.

2217: Someone at the DoD forgot to watch The Rock.

2222: BJ is about to be in Grave Danger! Xena must save him from the Government, which is still blissfully ignorant of The Rock.

2226: Xena has taken Matters into Her Own Hands. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Never mess with pregnant ladies.

2229: French’s has made a Mustard Breakthrough! Unfortunately, our only weapon against the locusts was the Watery Mess. Alas, we’re all going to starve. But at least we’ll have mustard.

2234: Creepy Scientist Gavin’s daughter is OK. But she is also clearly spaced out on drugs. All the Important People are converging on BJ’s farm. Suspect locust swarm may trap them there in a giant love-fest. Hunter S. Thompson will make an appearance after writing critically acclaimed “Fear and Locusts in Vernon, Indiana.”

2236: Creepy Scientist has Never Seen swarming behaviour like this!

2237: BJ and Xena are being very resourceful. Hawkeye would be proud. So would McGyver.

2239: Creepy Scientist has died of locust bites. Large sparks from high-power AC generator fail to ignite copious amounts of very dry hay. Millions of locusts fall off silos like so much black rain.

2241: IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: The world’s cravings can now be satisfied.

2245: Matt says, “This is the best episode of Xena I have ever encountered.”

2247: The DoD and DHS are back to their willful ignorance of The Rock. Dr. Stanley Goodspeed is not pleased.

2250: The entire Rocky Mountains and Mississippi Valley are being turned into giant electric fences, in hopes that they’ll make the World’s Largest Bug-Zapper. Haha. Fat chance.

2252: Xena and her husband have now completed their flight. They boarded a Citation, flew en-route in a Falcon 2000, landed in a Gulfstream III, and disembarked from another Citation. Good job, guys.

2255: This Is It!

2257: Xena has given birth to Alien Grasshopper Baby, and there’s been An Outbreak™.

2258: Roll credits. All two of them. Probably to save the actors the embarrassment.

2259: Two whole hours, and not one single IPEX commercial. What a waste of time!

posted by Chris on 24 April 2005 at 2110 in entertainment


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Lawson has a blow-by-blow review of CBS’s made-for-television Locusts: 2135: Three commercial breaks already and not one Ortho commercial? Someone at CBS missed a Golden Opportunity™…. [Read More]

Tracked on April 25, 2005 1:48 AM


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