Things to Ponder

Am I the only one who thinks the entire plot of Demolition Man was ripped off of Knight Rider 2000?

posted on 29 June 2006 at 22000 commentstrackback

Super Bowl O' Fun

The "Stillers" won, as I had hoped. Wahoo!

The important part, though, was all the fun commercials. I'll be updating this post with links as they inevitably show up on Google Video and the like.

Turner talked about his favourites already.

I gotta agree on the MacGyver one. That was hysterical. Unlike Chris, though, I gotta say the Whopperettes were fun. I'm a sucker for dancing girls ;)

"Magic Fridge" was utter genius, and it was the only really good Bud Light commercial. FedEx's "Caveman" was pretty funny, especially the part at the end where he kicks the little dinosaur. Loved that bit.

Ameriquest has been consistently very good with their Super Bowl commercials over the last two or three years, and the new "Doctor" commercial was no exception.

Sprint now has two good commercials: the "Push It" dancing office dudes, and "Crime Deterrent", which was absolutely hilarious.

Also unlike Chris, I thought the Emerald Nuts commercial was genius. The regular ones were just kinda ho-hum, but they went over the top on this one, and it worked a lot better. Loved the druid under the stairs, too. What a great touch. I kinda wish they'd post a list of rejected phrases for that commercial.

Now, here's the big one that nobody seems to have noticed.

The Honda Ridgeline commercial with the mudflap naked lady. It aired twice, and I was pretty sure I saw this the first time around, but the second time I around, I was convinced. My buddy Andrew definitely saw it too.

The chrome naked lady shows definite camel-toe when she checks out the Ridgeline's tailgate and bed area!

Talk about your wardrobe malfunction!

So that leaves my Top Five Records-approved Top Five as, in High Fidelity order, of course:

The Ridgeline commercial gets an honourable mention for thwarting the censors.

UPDATE: Thanks to AdJab, I now have all the above linked.

posted on 06 February 2006 at 00150 commentstrackback

Scary Photo of the Day

Readers who are Harry Potter fans may find this particularly disturbing. If you ever wondered what Draco Malfoy would look like dressed up in drag, look no further. And apparently Tom Felton's alter-ego goes by the name "Evanna Lynch" and (rather appropriately) plays a schoolmate of Harry's who is not a snivelling little no-good slimy weasel.

posted on 03 February 2006 at 15220 commentstrackback

State of My Tuesday Night

Some down-home redneck in a suit was giving a speech on every single TV channel for about two hours last night. It kept me from watching Scrubs and Love Monkey. The speech went something like this:

Blah blah blah I CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE blah blah WE ARE STRONG blah blah WAR ON TERROR blah blah blah WE WILL WIN blah blah OSAMA BIN LADEN blah blah blah blah blah ADDICTED TO OIL blah blah NEW-KYOO-LUR blah blah blah GOD BLESS AMERICA

Feel my pain, Jedi Master Yoda does.

On a serious note, will someone please remind me why the SotU needed to be a Tuesday? There was nothing happening on TV on Sunday night. Why not pre-empt that? People are more likely to be home on the weekends, too, so if more than five percent of the population gave half a crap, the speech would probably reach a wider audience.

posted on 01 February 2006 at 10480 commentstrackback

End of the World Update

Starting late thanks to football.

2109: "The movie event of the season, coming up next!" You know, besides Vampire Bats

2111: All those Parisians partying. Man, this is going to make them long for the peace and quiet of poor Muslims rioting.

2113: Xena seems to be mysteriously absent. Xena would know just what to do here.

2114: Key Quote: "I think you all had better come see this."

2115: Key Quote #2: "We're out of time."

2116: Federal Protective Services is Not Taking This Lying Down. They have Cancelled Vacations!

2118: Key Quote #3: "FEMA is stretched to its limit." You're tellin' us.

2119: Captain Obvious Alert. "What are you going to do about the weather?" "Predict it."

2122: Don't worry. More Research is Being Undertaken!

2124: She has a Japanese kitty-cat tattooed on her butt. This is a Key Piece of Information.

2125: Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker ... I mean James Brolin and Swoozie Kurtz are God's Messengers. And God Needs Your Money.

2136: Really Overused Cliché and Bad Pun Alert! His report was just the Tip of the Iceberg!

2138: Russell Casse needs a hacksaw. Someone get the man his hacksaw! Oh, and an airplane and some booze, so he can go kill the aliens who are causing all this crazy weather.

2140: Russell Casse got his airplane. Unfortunately, it seems to be a Westwind I with the same Canadian tail number as a destroyed Vans RV-4 kitplane. (The registration number has apparently since been reassigned.) Methinks he'd be happier with that F-18 he had in Independence Day.

2144: Vocabulary word of the day: "toad-soaker". Hopefully not related to "cork-soaker".

2147: Those terrorist bastards! Now they're using frogs! (Not to be confused with soaked toads.)

2149: Actual line from this movie: "Does anybody speak Arabic?" "Yeah. Durka durka."

2150: Two full commercial breaks with absolutely no titillation whatsoever. Can we at least get an IPEX commercial or something?

2155: Tammy Faye's assistant, or son, or something, has discovered the Plague of Frogs. And he has Seen the End of Days, and he is Repentant. God says he wants you to shave your pr0nstache, for starters.

2158: They're modifying an SR-71! (For those of you not familiar with the aircraft, it was prone to in-flight breakups when subjected to loads of greater than about 1.4 Gs. Punching out at Mach 3 is not most people's idea of fun, though it's survivable. Penetrating severe weather in an aircraft with such a narrow operating envelope is an absolutely brilliant idea. By which I mean "if anyone can make this work, it's Viper and Delko".)

2206: Viper and Delko are going to find the heart of this sucker. In a plane approximately 1/3 as durable as a Cessna 172. And Random Trailer Guy just stole Russell Casse's truck. Oh noes! How are he and Brenda are going to survive this hurricane-sized tornado is beyond me.

2217: Tammy Faye and Jim are going to make a fortune off this. And God saw that it was good, and He rejoiced. And Tammy Faye's son hasn't shaved the pr0nstache. God is Not Pleased.

2221: "GNN" has the worst hurricane reporters ever. As any Florida resident can tell you, 150 MPH gusts barely warrant the consideration of evacuation. Dan Rather can report from 150 MPH gusts with both hands tied behind his back. Now 200 MPH, well, that's a little more serious. Don't these screenwriters know anything? GOSH!

2229: Holy Multiple Sub-plots, Batman! My head hurts from trying to think about and follow them all right now.

2231: This is a Brand New Ballpark! With Four Lightning Arrestors and its own Weather Station! God wants me to speak His message!

2234: God didn't want him to speak His message. Tammy Faye is in shock.

2243: Pr0nstache Guy is behind it all. He's manipulating the weather to cause all this hysteria. I hate to spoil the ending, I really do.

2252: The sky Really Is Falling!

2301: Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Who are these masked gunmen, and what's the point of this 153d plot twist/sub-plot?

2307: To Be Continued. But not on this blog. Holy crap, this is too bad to watch any more. Humanity is going to survive, and Creepy Pr0nstache Guy is going to be exposed as the man behind the curtain. So now you don't have to watch tomorrow either!

posted on 06 November 2005 at 21100 commentstrackback

No "Vampire Bats" Coverage

Management regrets to inform Blizza Blizza's loyal readers that there will be no live coverage of CBS's latest cinematic masterpiece, Vampire Bats, this evening. Unfortunately, this means that you will not be getting your biannual dose of made-for-CBS Xena Lucy Lawless-y goodness.

(An aside, which is probably almost as important as what I'm about to say in the next paragraph, if not far more so: Vampire Bats is the sequel to Locusts. I am not making this up. Seriously. Is it even possible to make up something that ridiculous? Don't answer that.)

Fortunately, the grapevine tells me that Shannon Lucio has been added into Category 7: The End of the World at great expense, and at the last minute. Fear not, loyal viewers. This is Big News™ and will be Treated Accordingly™.

Watch this space next Sunday. The End of the World is Coming.

posted on 30 October 2005 at 21180 commentstrackback

"Walker" Update

In 100% pure Locusts fashion, this blog will be bringing you live updates of the world premiere movie, Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire.

2145: Still waiting for Cold Case to get done. Thank the Broncos and Patriots for that one.

2152: Ruining it for the TiVo users. The best friend killed the black guy on Cold Case. Also, this show is awful. And yes, I fully appreciate the irony of that comment.

2158: Oooh, here it comes. The CBS SUNDAY MOVIE!

2159: Dalls has lots of Tall Buildings. And DaimlerChrylser is still supplying these guys with plenty of vehicles. Dude, that thing's got a hemi.

2200: Someone alert Joel Fleischman. His girlfriend was kidnapped and is being kept as a slave in a crime lab in Dallas.

2202: Bad Guys always build big Families of Crime and use Catchy Phrases like "Shock and Awe" when giving their pre-crime pep talks.

2203: Seriously, does anyone actually rob banks with big teams of guys and ski masks and automatic weapons any more? Because the only time that ever seems to happen is on CBS. (See also Numb3rs.)

2206: Car crashes do not faze Walker one bit. Because he's Walker.

2207: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy is Running the Production Line Again!

2208: Fleischman's girlfriend totally dumped him for a former Dallas Cowboy. What a loser that Joel Fleischman is.

2210: Tucker Carlson Alert! Also, how did nobody notice a briefcase sitting under a random machine in a clean room?

2212: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy is Trying to Make a Phone Call!

2214: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy messed up. Rule #1 of being a corporate mole: never leave important things in or on someone else's desk. Also, never be a mole for Triads. They're like ninjas, but evil.

2217: Who authorised this Chevy commercial? Jürgen Schrempp and Dieter Zetsche, are you guys watching this?

2219: Still no IPEX commercials.

2221: The MacGuffin is totally going to get stolen by Innocent Little Kid, who is Ordering a Pizza. Also, cameraphones are clearly t3h d3v!l.

2222: The MacGuffin is Real Microtech Stuff! Whatever that is.

2226: But Innocent Little Kid just had a haircut four weeks ago!

2227: Total Neck-Punch Action! Call in the Rangers!

2228: Lots of hardcore headbanger music and gratuitous martial arts. Caution: needless destruction of coffee tables ahead.

2230: "I need to do some major reverse engineering."

2233: Gage's shirt was attacked by a dryer set on HIGH for a little too long. Cordell, you gotta help a brotha out.

2236: What do you think about a soccer mom who's turning tricks at home? Still no IPEX commercials. But no Dulcolax commercials, either, which is probably a good sign.

2239: Clearly Wo Ping choreographed this scene. That was a total ripoff of Trinity's cop-kill in The Matrix.

2242: These men are Extremely Dangerous. Deadly Force has been Authorized! The Rangers have a License to Kill!

2245: And I quote: "Oh man. This is bad." And here I thought "extremely dangerous" was going to be the understatement of the century.

2251: Oh boy, there's a Medicare commercial. It only took three commercial breaks. And still no IPEX commercials. I think we need to get the Texas Ranger Crime Lab to investigate this.

2254: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2302: "Tucker Carlson" is apparently named "Carlton Cross."

2309: Random Subplot results in World's Fastest Prosecution. And even though this guy is apparently dangerous enough not to be released on bail, it's OK to leave him alone in a room with a CSI.

2311: World's Smartest 11-Year-Old makes another dramatic understatement: "I don't think we're going to find this one on the Internet."

2315: Bad Guys drive a Hummer H3, which apparently can't even outrun a 125cc dirtbike. No wonder the General is bankrupt.

2316: Gage is really glad the pool hall informant didn't give him a name for the strip club. That way, he can go to all of them in his undersized button-down shirt and tie.

2323: Still no IPEX commercials. But what do you think about a soccer mom who's turning tricks at home?

2327: Quoting my mom, "Is he bulletproof too?" Don't give 'em any ideas.

2338: They are bulletproof!

2343: Note to crazy North Koreans: guns still work underwater.

2345: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2351: Didn't see that one coming. But, uh, what was the point of that subplot again?

2354: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2355: I smell a sequel. In 2008. Stay tuned.

posted on 16 October 2005 at 21490 commentstrackback

Best Halloween Costume Ever

Definitely Wolverine. Those claws are awesome.

(via Hackaday)

posted on 24 September 2005 at 12470 commentstrackback

On Inspiration

At last, we now know the source of the screenplay of the soon-to-be-a-cult-classic Snakes on a Plane.

(Caution: second link is NSFW due to language.)

posted on 30 August 2005 at 12140 commentstrackback


This week's Car Talk Puzzler is a great one:

I'm getting old and a little absent-minded, so my friends got together and bought me a stylish little desk calendar. It's a cradle for two cubes, each with one number per face.

They figured I probably had enough left in me to figure what year it was and what month it was, but the date was going to elude me. So, this little gift was going to show the date. So, for example, if it were the 21st, I'd rotate one cube until a "2" was showing, and the other would show a "1." The next day I would know to rotate one cube so, together, the two cubes would read "22."

With the two cubes, I was able to express every date. For example, if it were the 2nd of the month, it would be expressed as "02." If it were the 18th you'd put up a 1 and an 8, and so on.

Here's my question. If you were designing the cubes, what numbers would you paint on each one so you could express all the dates from "01" to "31"?

Easy, right?

Yeah, sure. Now that you've figured that one out, genius, try this one on for size, of my own device:

How many unique solutions are there to the above puzzle?

Consider an individual cube "unique" if there is no way it can be rotated to match another cube. To make an analogy with gambling dice, giving the faces in the order (front, right, back, left, top, bottom):

1, 2, 6, 5, 4, 3

is identical to

1, 4, 6, 3, 2, 5

since the latter can be derived from the former by rotating the former 90 degrees to the right around the z-axis.

Good luck.

posted on 14 June 2005 at 00090 commentstrackback

Anyone Got Ten Bucks?

I need to get a shotglass chess set drinking game.

Betcha I can beat Garry Kasparov now!

(via Dave Barry)

posted on 27 May 2005 at 21140 commentstrackback

Hayden Calling it Quits?

The Superficial is reporting Hayden Christensen may be quitting acting in favour of architecture.

Which can only be a good thing, because he's a god-awful actor!

Granted, George Lucas can't write dialouge to save his own life, but Hayden was awful in Life as a House too. Good luck with becoming the next Frank Lloyd Wright, buddy.

posted on 24 May 2005 at 11370 commentstrackback

Top Ten Writers, You're Fired!

Letterman needs to fire the writers who titled tonight's Top Ten list.


Yeah. Seriously. I kid you not. Arrrrrrggggh!

posted on 29 April 2005 at 23571 commentstrackback

Looking for N64 Expansion Pack

I'm officially on the lookout for an N64 expansion pack, so if any of you readers have one or know someone who's looking to get rid of one, give me a holler.

On a related note, anyone who wants to play some serious GoldenEye and doesn't have an N64 to do it, I can highly recommend Babbage's/GameStop as a good source of $20 used N64s, with a 90-day warranty to boot.

posted on 27 April 2005 at 16510 commentstrackback

“Locusts” Update

In the spirit of Dave Barry's updates on Fox's hit "24", Blizza Blizza is proud to bring you the world premiere "Locusts" update.

2102: Tasty Blonde Girl is so going to get eaten.

2108: Apparently Gavin Vereek is running a sketchy little side project that has created these weird things.

2112: Ooh, Xena just fired Gavin.

2113: Was that a locust in the drain? Also, Xena seems to be married. And she wears suits!

2115: Xena's husband has just kicked her out, probably because he found out about Gabrielle.

2116: Someone tell Donald Bellisario they stole his little computer-typing-in-green-text title idea.

2117: They've -- and by "they" I mean Angry Husband -- been using Sulphate of Potash Magnesium!

2120: Caricatured African Diplomats are laughing at how stupid American men are. And Xena is going to have Angry Abandoned Husband's baby! If the grasshoppers don't eat it first.

2121: Ominous music and tents. Nice visual pun.

2122: Token Black Guy is definitely Not Tickling Token Black Girlfriend. Those locusts are horny little buggers. Token Black Guy should not take this lying down.

2123: Still no IPEX commercials. This bears investigating. Xena needs to be brought in.

2126: We fear for the welfare of windshields everywhere.

2128: Xena is not wearing an IPEX halter top.

2130: Creepy Scientist Gavin (not his real name) suspects something.

2132: The bus windshield is no match for the iron heads of locusts!

2133: Resistant to all known pesticides, but easily succumbs to the spray of a CO2 fire extinguisher? We don't think so.

2135: Three commercial breaks already and not one Ortho commercial? Someone at CBS missed a Golden Opportunity™.

2139: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Dead locusts are a biohazard and must be disposed of properly.

2142: Xena is still not wearing any IPEX products. Also, Pittsburgh is now in the Great Lakes region.


2145: They are Closing Down the Festival!

2148: Stacey looks good today. And we cannot disagree.

2150: Surprise!

2151: "They can't get in the building." Yeah, right.

2158: A whole hour, and not one IPEX commercial. This is criminal.

2200: The Government thinks The Terrorists are behind it. And BJ is Xena's dad.

2205: Just to reiterate, Locusts Eat EVERYTHING!

2206: It's a Sign from God. Someone should tell NBC.

2208: Even the sheep are scared.

2211: She is pregnant. With an alien grasshopper baby, probably. That way, CBS can have a sequel.

2215: I wonder if locusts taste good with ranch...

2216: Still no IPEX commercials. Things are getting critical. Maybe the locusts ate the entire production.

2217: Someone at the DoD forgot to watch The Rock.

2222: BJ is about to be in Grave Danger! Xena must save him from the Government, which is still blissfully ignorant of The Rock.

2226: Xena has taken Matters into Her Own Hands. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Never mess with pregnant ladies.

2229: French's has made a Mustard Breakthrough! Unfortunately, our only weapon against the locusts was the Watery Mess. Alas, we're all going to starve. But at least we'll have mustard.

2234: Creepy Scientist Gavin's daughter is OK. But she is also clearly spaced out on drugs. All the Important People are converging on BJ's farm. Suspect locust swarm may trap them there in a giant love-fest. Hunter S. Thompson will make an appearance after writing critically acclaimed "Fear and Locusts in Vernon, Indiana."

2236: Creepy Scientist has Never Seen swarming behaviour like this!

2237: BJ and Xena are being very resourceful. Hawkeye would be proud. So would McGyver.

2239: Creepy Scientist has died of locust bites. Large sparks from high-power AC generator fail to ignite copious amounts of very dry hay. Millions of locusts fall off silos like so much black rain.

2241: IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: The world's cravings can now be satisfied.

2245: Matt says, "This is the best episode of Xena I have ever encountered."

2247: The DoD and DHS are back to their willful ignorance of The Rock. Dr. Stanley Goodspeed is not pleased.

2250: The entire Rocky Mountains and Mississippi Valley are being turned into giant electric fences, in hopes that they'll make the World's Largest Bug-Zapper. Haha. Fat chance.

2252: Xena and her husband have now completed their flight. They boarded a Citation, flew en-route in a Falcon 2000, landed in a Gulfstream III, and disembarked from another Citation. Good job, guys.

2255: This Is It!

2257: Xena has given birth to Alien Grasshopper Baby, and there's been An Outbreak™.

2258: Roll credits. All two of them. Probably to save the actors the embarrassment.

2259: Two whole hours, and not one single IPEX commercial. What a waste of time!

posted on 24 April 2005 at 21100 commentstrackback

Time-Wasting Link of the Day

Do not try to play this game if you have anything worthwhile to do for the next two hours.

posted on 24 February 2005 at 21250 commentstrackback

Word Puzzlers

I have two puzzlers for you to take a crack at.

3 8 18 9 19 12 1 23 19 15 14 4 15 20 14 5 20



First person to solve either one gets a cookie and an explanation.

posted on 30 January 2005 at 03181 commentstrackback

Happy 15th Anniversary! The Simpsons, which debuted on Fox on 17 December, 1989.

Here's to many more great seasons, guys!

posted on 16 December 2004 at 21550 commentstrackback

What, You Couldn't Make 76?

Turns out the San Francisco Gate was right: Ken Jennings lost after 75 consecutive appearances on Jeopardy.

Because he didn't know diddly squat about sports.

I think I coulda smoked all three of tonight's contestants on that question bank.


EDIT: woops. The number of wins was 74; the number of appearances was 75. And Slashdot has picked up the story.

posted on 30 November 2004 at 19572 commentstrackback

Another One Bites the Dust

The Wu-Tang Clan has lost one of its founding members. Russell T. Jones, aka the ODB, died yesterday in a Manhattan recording studio two days short of his 36th birthday.

In the immortal words of Chris Rock,

The Ol' Dirty Bastard couldn't possibly have committed all those crimes. Coolio did some of that shit!

posted on 14 November 2004 at 16240 commentstrackback

Napoleon Dynamite




Well, OK, maybe not the best, but it's definitely the best movie I've seen this year, and probably in my top five now. You need to go see this movie if you haven't seen it yet. It's hilarious.

posted on 21 August 2004 at 21570 commentstrackback

I'm Dead, Bitch!

Rick James, best-known for his 1981 hit "Super Freak" -- or, to current teens and twentysomethings, for being the butt of Dave Chappelle's "I'm Rick James, bitch!" joke -- is dead at age 56.

By the way, you're not Dave Chappelle, and you're not funny.

posted on 07 August 2004 at 02490 commentstrackback

Movie Reviews of the Week

Since I seem to do nothing but watch movies any more now that I'm waiting to burn off the rest of my 85 hours of flight time, I figured I'd make something useful from it. Here goes.

King Arthur: imagine Braveheart meets The Patriot meets Gladiator, but without the best elements of any of them. This movie tries too hard to be all three, and not only manages to fail (perhaps unsurprisingly), but also nearly completely wastes Keira Knightley in her role as Guinevere, who wasn't even introduced until halfway through the film and miraculously transforms from near-dead waif to ass-kicking grrrl in what seems like the space of a few days. I say "almost," because the final battle scene with her little leather bikini top thing is as close as it gets to titillating. Out of five stars, this one gets two.

I, Robot: I have a confession to make. I really like Will Smith as an actor. Not so much that I would ever apologise for the abomination that was Wild Wild West, but I really enjoyed Independence Day, which bears some similarity to this surprisingly good piece of film, except the aliens are robots bent on taking over humanity. Shades of The Matrix trilogy abound, but this time, Neo is black and far more believable in his role. The movie didn't really grab me and say, "You must see me again," though, so this one gets three out of five stars.

Dodgeball: I have four words for you. "Christine Taylor in leather." The Lance Armstrong cameo is hilarious, and Ben Stiller plays a wonderful sleazy fitness centre owner. Chuck Norris and William Shatner also have entertaining cameos in this one, which was fairly fast-paced and kept the laughs coming. This is definitely a movie that gets funnier the more you watch it, and will probably be the most-quoted movie of 2004 among the college crowd. Four out of five stars.

posted on 18 July 2004 at 22342 commentstrackback

I Can Die Happy

Why can I die happy?

Because I have achieved the ultimate victory over the highest difficulty level of MacIago, a clone of the classic Iago/Othello/Reversi-type strategy game.

I didn't even know this was possible, but I've now seen it with my own eyes. I hope you're sitting down, readers, because this score will shock and awe you.

Sixty-four to nothing.

Words are entirely inadequate to describe just how much I now "pWn" MacIago.

posted on 16 July 2004 at 23380 commentstrackback

Another One Bites the Dust

Some thoughts on the Survivor finale and "reunion show," fresh out of my stream of consciousness...

Jerri: Get over yourself already. Just because you whine like a six-year-old doesn't mean that the American public has to like you. WE DON'T LIKE YOU. DEAL WITH IT, and move on with your life. You signed up for a reality television show that was to be broadcast around the globe, and now you're pissed that a bunch of people don't like the "character" you "played?" Like I said: GET OVER IT.

Rupert: You're getting my vote for the extra million bucks. Love the roar and the tye-dyed shirts. Just don't let your kid grow up to be a total Deadhead or Phisher, OK?

Big Tom: Three words for you, my man. Speech. Class. Please. I know that sounding like a total hick is part of your "charm," but would it really hurt if you enunciated just a little bit?

Rudy: Nothin' but respect, sir. You are a class act all the way around, and if you ever feel the need to lay a whoopin' on a certain back-stabbing Bostonian, I support that 100 percent. I nominate you for the upcoming Survivor: Nursing Home when you get to be about 90. Also, thank you for your service to this great country.

Lex: You are a tremendous hypocrite, and quite possibly the most unjustifiably self-righteous person I've ever seen on television, including the entire lot of modern-day Pharisees on Robert Schuller's Hour of Power. Either accept this fact and move on with your life, or work to change it. God hates a hypocrite, and you're making baby Jesus cry. Also, you aren't a rock star. Stop trying to look like one.

Shii-Ann: You are hereby awarded the honour of Most Changed From Original Game to All-Stars. As a great man said in a great movie, "I always hated this song. Now I kinda like it."

Kathy: For someone who went to the trouble of hiring a psychologist to profile all the contestants, I would have thought maybe you'd have a bit more sense. Go back to that shrink and tell her that you need counseling on why you allow bastard men like Rob Mariano to walk all over you. Rob treated you like absolute shit. He put you on the jury. And all this despite his being "like a son to you." Don't try to pretend like he didn't know how you felt, either. He was exactly the same way in the Marquesas. He hasn't changed a bit. Women like you are the reason so many cases of abuse go unreported, because you don't have any spine to stand up and say, "This has to stop."

Alicia: Funniest. Vote. Explanation. Ever.

Richard: OK, we get it, you're fat, naked, and gay. You're also an arrogant, pompous ass, like Rob C. is (more on that in a minute). Your "I've been bamboozled!" exclamation will live forever in my mind. But please, sit quietly like Ethan or Colby. We don't want to hear your opinion on everything everyone else says. So shut it.

Colby: What, did Schick quit paying you to do razor commercials? What's with that scruff on your chin? Oh, right, you look like you're twelve if you shave.

Rob Mariano: You are a misogynist pig, you have no class, you have no morals, you apparently have no conscience, and you need to eat less. You looked better when you were living on rice and fish. Now you look fat, just like your brother and your dad. I hope Amber's happy with you.

Amber: I know no one can help their last name — well, not really, anyway — but I couldn't resist. The Onion has an article for you. You need a vowel or two. Best of luck with Rob, by the way. I predict a divorce before 2010. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh, and make him sign a pre-nup so he doesn't get too much of that million bucks, too.

Rob C.: I don't care enough to figure out how to spell your last name, but hear this: You are a) not that smart, b) not good-looking, and c) nowhere near the "Greatest Survivor Player Ever" or whatever the hell title you attempted to bestow upon yourself. See, if you were so great, why didn't you win? Heck, why didn't you make it any further than you did? Hint: it wasn't because people were afraid of the threat you posed.

CBS: Let's be honest here. You got waaaaaaay more drama, intrigue, and romance than you ever imagined possible out of All-Stars. Now, for the love of God, stop beating a dead horse. Survivor was good the first three seasons. By the time they got to Thailand, it was getting a little tiresome. Did anyone actually watch Amazon or Pearl Islands? You've used up all the good locations, except for maybe Antarctica or Siberia. Just let it go. Go out on a high note. Don't create another Seinfeld, please.

Also, I know you're pressed for time in the reunion show and all, but can we please dispense with the five-minute commercial breaks interwoven with two minutes of actual programming? I would have liked to see a bit more Q&A with Jeff — and maybe the audience — but noooo. You had to run half an hour of commercials in 45 minutes. Shame on you.

posted on 10 May 2004 at 01440 commentstrackback

Fun With Wikipedia

Regular readers, and people who know how my mind works, probably don't need this brief expository introduction, but here goes...

I got up this morning, checked my e-mail, and hit my usual two Web sites.

Slashdot has a story about a car-eating robotic dinosaur that linked to a very amusing photograph of said robot in action at a recent airshow in California. I saw the aircraft in the background and thought I recognised it as a military version of the Douglas DC-10. Which I then confirmed by performing a Google search, and found myself at the Wikipedia page for that aircraft.

After reading several related articles, including one on the Airbus A300, one on ETOPS (also jokingly known as "Engines Turn or Passengers Swim"), and several on related aircraft, ending with the BAe 146, and realising how remarkable a similarity the BAe 146 bears to a four-engined, turbine-powered Dash-8, I decided to do a search for the Dash-8.

No dice. I figured I probably hadn't gotten the designator right, because I remembered the Dash-8 was officially called something else, but I also stumbled across the Wikipedia English home page in the process.

The current featured article as of this writing is The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, which enlightened me to several interesting bits of trivia. For instance, though many people believe that L. Frank Baum wrote the book as political allegory, Baum himself has vigorously denied this, much as J. R. R. Tolkien always denied that his Lord of the Rings epic is an allegory for anything.

Other interesting trivia concerning the book and the movie:

  • Baum wrote 14 total Oz books, and Ruth Plumly Thompson wrote an additional 19 after Baum died. Other authors have also written books in the series.
  • Ray Bolger was originally slated to play the Tin Man but traded parts with Buddy Ebsen (best known as Jed Clampett from The Beverly Hillbillies), who then had a severe reaction to the aluminium dust used in the Tin Man's makeup. Whilst Ebsen was in the hospital recuperating from his near-death experience, MGM reformulated the makeup, fired Ebsen, and cast Jack Haley in his place.
  • The now-classic movie was shown on television for the first time on 03 November, 1956, with a viewing audience estimated at 45 million. This might not sound amazing at first, but remember this: in 1956, approximately 3/4 of American homes had television. The 1960 Census puts US population at approximately 180 million, and the 1950 Census claims approximately 150 million. Let's estimate the 1956 population at 165 million. That means about 125 million people had television. Now for the amazing part: over one-third of everyone in the United States with a television was watching this movie.

Getting back to the original subject, a Google search reminded me of the proper designation for the Dash-8: De Havilland DHC-8. So now I'm happy. And you're entertained.

posted on 01 May 2004 at 12461 commentstrackback

The Undead, or Jesus?

Jesus has been knocked off His lofty box-office perch by a bunch of zombies.

posted on 22 March 2004 at 20110 commentstrackback

Free the Grey Album!

It's a shame I hadn't heard about Grey Tuesday before 15 minutes ago. I would have joined the monochrome protest. But hop on over there and grab your MP3 copy of Danger Mouse's remix of Jay-Z's Black Album with the Beatles' White Album. I'm listening to it right now, and it's actually pretty listenable hip-hop.


posted on 24 February 2004 at 03570 commentstrackback

In Soviet Russia, Tetris 0wNz J00!

But since this is Capitalist America, I "0wN" Tetris.

To the tune of 73,190 points, and 505 lines.

My previous high score was 51,410, with 333 lines. Other than that, I hadn't broken 40,000. The difference between tonight's score and the next most-recent score in the top ten would have been second on the old list!

posted on 24 January 2004 at 02230 commentstrackback

Song of the Day

And today's Song of the Day is...Raining on the Sky, by Naked, from their self-titled 1997 debut. The oft-paraphrased comment that this song is "love in music form" couldn't be truer. The version I've been listening to is from WGRD's Bootleg '98 CD, a collection of live in-studio acoustic recordings of several bands that were the kings of alternative rock in the late 1990s.

posted on 27 July 2003 at 21060 comments

Movies, Morals, and Misses

Maybe I'm in the minority, but when I go to the movies, I don't expect to be beaten about the head with the morals the movie is trying to teach. In the case of Legally Blonde 2, that means I don't care if Elle Woods manages to win a victory on behalf of the "helpless" and "voiceless" animals used in cosmetics testing by utilising her "feminine charms" and "girl power" to do, well, whatever the heck it was she did.

See, I'm all for women accomplishing important stuff. I'd be the first in line to vote for a female president. But I have to wonder what a movie like this is trying to teach teenage girls in America. Is the point that you can be cute, skinny, and successful whilst still appearing to be a complete ditz to anyone who happens to run into you on the street? If so, it begs the question: why on Earth would you want to appear to be such a ditz in the first place? Some people will probably accuse me of missing the whole point of the movie, which I readily admit: I don't get this movie. Sure, it's a clean way to waste two hours with teenaged daughters/sisters/cousins/whatever, but for my dad's $15, I think my cousin and I could have found better entertainment.

Oh, and Bob Newhart is completely wasted in his role as a doorman at a major Washington hotel. There was so much more the producers could have done with his character.

posted on 03 July 2003 at 00210 comments

Song of the Day

And today's Song of the Day is...Peace on Earth, by U2, on their 2001 release All That You Can't Leave Behind. I was listening to it last night whilst working on my presentation for group meeting and it stuck.

Songs of the day are like cats. You don't pick them; they pick you.

posted on 25 June 2003 at 23530 comments

Only On MTV...

...could gangsta-rapper-turned-media-maven Snoop Dogg (aka Calvin Broadus) get a TV show produced and titled "Doggy Fizzle Televizzle."

Hey, I might have to start tuning in to something besides ESPN, Discovery, History, Speed, and Animal Planet!

posted on 20 June 2003 at 18480 comments

Song of the Day

And today's Song of the Day is...Motorcycle Drive By, by Third Eye Blind. It's on their self-titled debut album that was all the rage on the radio back when I was in high school, probably about 1996 or so. Unfortunately, only the pop-rock crud from that album got any radio air time, as so often happens with great music stuck onto a mediocre album with two big manufactured hits.

I'm dedicating this one to Dave, because he was cool enough to know this song rocked before I ever discovered it.

posted on 09 June 2003 at 18130 comments

Searching For Rides

Anyone want to carpool to Grand Rapids, Dearborn, or Chicago?

I need to go see Matrix Reloaded on an Imax screen NOW.


posted on 07 June 2003 at 14440 comments


That's German for "late-night lab music" for you non-German speakers. And the late-night lab music this week seems to be Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, a ska cover band who seem to specialise in taking songs that you wouldn't think would ever get skanked out and making them into ska masterpieces.

Go buy this band's music. Now. They rule.

posted on 30 May 2003 at 00300 comments

"Hello, Ahhhhh...God?"

I guess it sort of figures that the guy who can't take a joke is a Southern Baptist minister whose name really is Bruce. I'd hate to know what the good Reverend thought of Kevin Smith's brilliant film Dogma. At least some of the folks saddled with the burden of sharing a fone number with God (at least, as seen in Bruce Almighty) are making light of the situation. Good job, guys.

posted on 28 May 2003 at 23340 comments

Song of the Day

And today's Song of the Day is...A Sort of Homecoming, by U2, on the Wide Awake in America live album. I heard it whilst taking a shower this morning, thought nothing of it, and then this afternoon, it popped back into my head out of nowhere, and I've been humming it constantly since.

posted on 20 May 2003 at 23200 comments

It's Here


There's more character development of some of the folks from the first one (notably the Oracle, and Morpheus to a lesser extent), but there isn't nearly enough with the new characters (especially the Twins and the Keymaker).

But whoa. The action is ridiculous. There's one scene where Keanu looks very CG, but for the most part, the CG wasn't noticeable.

Now, will someone please give me a Duc 996 with Monica Bellucci on the back of it?

posted on 15 May 2003 at 15130 comments

72 Hours and Counting

I already have my tix for the 2215 showing. Awwww yeeeeaaaah.

In the interim, this article will give you folks something to think about.

Oooh. I can't wait. Wednesday is going to be GREAT!

posted on 11 May 2003 at 22440 comments


The British apparently have no shame. Fresh on the heels of the Jerry Springer Opera, we have auditions for Saddam Hussein look-alikes.

Hey, don't look at me. I'm not the one coming up with these crazy ideas.

Scary part is people are gonna pay lots of money to go see all of that. Hey, wouldn't you?

posted on 01 May 2003 at 22540 comments


It's like a horrible car crash. I keep trying to tell myself this doesn't exist but I just can't tear my eyes away.

posted on 30 April 2003 at 15150 comments

It's Here

This is a bit late, but the final theatrical trailer for the Matrix Reloaded is out.

30 days and counting...are they selling tickets yet? More importantly, can I start camping out yet? :)

posted on 13 April 2003 at 00230 comments

Saddam Does Coolio

If anyone has a copy of this song in something other than RealMedia format, please let me know. I'm dying to hear it.

posted on 12 April 2003 at 00460 comments

Only in America

I can't remember who it was I was discussing this with, but sometime in the last two weeks I had a chat with one of my friends about Pvt. Jessica Lynch's rescue, and a comment was made along the lines of "I bet there are already folks at her bedside trying to buy the movie rights."

Looks like we weren't far off.

The American media are shameless.

posted on 12 April 2003 at 00350 comments

Song of the Day

And today's Song of the Day is...Wabash Cannonball, originally popularised by Roy Acuff in the late 1940s. I'm listening to the Johnny Cash version, however; Cash first recorded it on his 1966 album Happiness Is You. The lyrics are somewhat different from other artists' versions:

From the great Atlantic Ocean to the wide Pacific shore
She climbs the flowering mountains, o'er the hills, and by the shore
She's mighty tall and handsome, she's known quite well by all
She's a regular combination on the Wabash Cannonball

Listen to the jingle, the rumble, and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands, o'er the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of the engine, hear those lonesome hoboes call
Travelin' through the jungle on the Wabash Cannonball

Well she came down from Birmingham one cold December day
As she pulled into the station, you could hear all the people say
"She's from Tennessee, she's long, and she's tall"
She came down from Birmingham on the Wabash Cannonball


Here's to Daddy Claxton; may his name forever stand
And always be remembered in the courts throughout the land
His earthly race is over and the curtains 'round 'im fall
They'll carry 'im home to Dixie on the Wabash Cannonball


I'm one of those people who puts a song on repeat and then listens to it for three days straight. It drives my best friend crazy, as well as most other people I know. But hey, I like it ;)

posted on 06 April 2003 at 23310 comments

"What Are 'They?'"

I was eating lunch today whilst watching CNN Headline News in the basement of the Michigan League, and saw the funniest thing. A brief segment was describing the so-called "inner circle" of Saddam Hussein, which apparently consists of three of Saddam's relatives (two sons and a cousing) and some other guy.

The other guy was referred to by the commentator as "the gatekeeper." As soon as I heard that, the following immediately popped into my head:

"...[T]hey are the gatekeepers, Neo. They are guarding all the doors; they are holding all the keys, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them."


"I won't lie to you, Neo. Every single man or woman who has stood their ground - everyone - who has fought an agent has died. But where they have failed, you will succeed."


"I've seen an agent punch through a concrete wall; men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air. Yet their strength and their speed are based in a world that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be."

"What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?"

"No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to."

Which was then followed by a mental image of Keanu Reeves in a black leather walking into Saddam's palace in Baghdad and being asked to "please remove any metal items" he might be carrying by a security guard, and proceeding to shoot up the entire place with about six different pairs of automatic weapons.

Uh-huh. Send Keanu in to do our dirty work. None of this war business. We've got Neo.

posted on 18 March 2003 at 19000 comments