Blizza Blizza

Some thoughts on the Survivor finale and “reunion show,” fresh out of my stream of consciousness…

Jerri: Get over yourself already. Just because you whine like a six-year-old doesn’t mean that the American public has to like you. WE DON’T LIKE YOU. DEAL WITH IT, and move on with your life. You signed up for a reality television show that was to be broadcast around the globe, and now you’re pissed that a bunch of people don’t like the “character” you “played?” Like I said: GET OVER IT.

Rupert: You’re getting my vote for the extra million bucks. Love the roar and the tye-dyed shirts. Just don’t let your kid grow up to be a total Deadhead or Phisher, OK?

Big Tom: Three words for you, my man. Speech. Class. Please. I know that sounding like a total hick is part of your “charm,” but would it really hurt if you enunciated just a little bit?

Rudy: Nothin’ but respect, sir. You are a class act all the way around, and if you ever feel the need to lay a whoopin’ on a certain back-stabbing Bostonian, I support that 100 percent. I nominate you for the upcoming Survivor: Nursing Home when you get to be about 90. Also, thank you for your service to this great country.

Lex: You are a tremendous hypocrite, and quite possibly the most unjustifiably self-righteous person I’ve ever seen on television, including the entire lot of modern-day Pharisees on Robert Schuller’s Hour of Power. Either accept this fact and move on with your life, or work to change it. God hates a hypocrite, and you’re making baby Jesus cry. Also, you aren’t a rock star. Stop trying to look like one.

Shii-Ann: You are hereby awarded the honour of Most Changed From Original Game to All-Stars. As a great man said in a great movie, “I always hated this song. Now I kinda like it.”

Kathy: For someone who went to the trouble of hiring a psychologist to profile all the contestants, I would have thought maybe you’d have a bit more sense. Go back to that shrink and tell her that you need counseling on why you allow bastard men like Rob Mariano to walk all over you. Rob treated you like absolute shit. He put you on the jury. And all this despite his being “like a son to you.” Don’t try to pretend like he didn’t know how you felt, either. He was exactly the same way in the Marquesas. He hasn’t changed a bit. Women like you are the reason so many cases of abuse go unreported, because you don’t have any spine to stand up and say, “This has to stop.”

Alicia: Funniest. Vote. Explanation. Ever.

Richard: OK, we get it, you’re fat, naked, and gay. You’re also an arrogant, pompous ass, like Rob C. is (more on that in a minute). Your “I’ve been bamboozled!” exclamation will live forever in my mind. But please, sit quietly like Ethan or Colby. We don’t want to hear your opinion on everything everyone else says. So shut it.

Colby: What, did Schick quit paying you to do razor commercials? What’s with that scruff on your chin? Oh, right, you look like you’re twelve if you shave.

Rob Mariano: You are a misogynist pig, you have no class, you have no morals, you apparently have no conscience, and you need to eat less. You looked better when you were living on rice and fish. Now you look fat, just like your brother and your dad. I hope Amber’s happy with you.

Amber: I know no one can help their last name — well, not really, anyway — but I couldn’t resist. The Onion has an article for you. You need a vowel or two. Best of luck with Rob, by the way. I predict a divorce before 2010. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Oh, and make him sign a pre-nup so he doesn’t get too much of that million bucks, too.

Rob C.: I don’t care enough to figure out how to spell your last name, but hear this: You are a) not that smart, b) not good-looking, and c) nowhere near the “Greatest Survivor Player Ever” or whatever the hell title you attempted to bestow upon yourself. See, if you were so great, why didn’t you win? Heck, why didn’t you make it any further than you did? Hint: it wasn’t because people were afraid of the threat you posed.

CBS: Let’s be honest here. You got waaaaaaay more drama, intrigue, and romance than you ever imagined possible out of All-Stars. Now, for the love of God, stop beating a dead horse. Survivor was good the first three seasons. By the time they got to Thailand, it was getting a little tiresome. Did anyone actually watch Amazon or Pearl Islands? You’ve used up all the good locations, except for maybe Antarctica or Siberia. Just let it go. Go out on a high note. Don’t create another Seinfeld, please.

Also, I know you’re pressed for time in the reunion show and all, but can we please dispense with the five-minute commercial breaks interwoven with two minutes of actual programming? I would have liked to see a bit more Q&A with Jeff — and maybe the audience — but noooo. You had to run half an hour of commercials in 45 minutes. Shame on you.