“Walker” Update

In 100% pure Locusts fashion, this blog will be bringing you live updates of the world premiere movie, Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire.

2145: Still waiting for Cold Case to get done. Thank the Broncos and Patriots for that one.

2152: Ruining it for the TiVo users. The best friend killed the black guy on Cold Case. Also, this show is awful. And yes, I fully appreciate the irony of that comment.

2158: Oooh, here it comes. The CBS SUNDAY MOVIE!

2159: Dalls has lots of Tall Buildings. And DaimlerChrylser is still supplying these guys with plenty of vehicles. Dude, that thing’s got a hemi.

2200: Someone alert Joel Fleischman. His girlfriend was kidnapped and is being kept as a slave in a crime lab in Dallas.

2202: Bad Guys always build big Families of Crime and use Catchy Phrases like “Shock and Awe” when giving their pre-crime pep talks.

2203: Seriously, does anyone actually rob banks with big teams of guys and ski masks and automatic weapons any more? Because the only time that ever seems to happen is on CBS. (See also Numb3rs.)

2206: Car crashes do not faze Walker one bit. Because he’s Walker.

2207: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy is Running the Production Line Again!

2208: Fleischman’s girlfriend totally dumped him for a former Dallas Cowboy. What a loser that Joel Fleischman is.

2210: Tucker Carlson Alert! Also, how did nobody notice a briefcase sitting under a random machine in a clean room?

2212: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy is Trying to Make a Phone Call!

2214: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy messed up. Rule #1 of being a corporate mole: never leave important things in or on someone else’s desk. Also, never be a mole for Triads. They’re like ninjas, but evil.

2217: Who authorised this Chevy commercial? Jürgen Schrempp and Dieter Zetsche, are you guys watching this?

2219: Still no IPEX commercials.

2221: The MacGuffin is totally going to get stolen by Innocent Little Kid, who is Ordering a Pizza. Also, cameraphones are clearly t3h d3v!l.

2222: The MacGuffin is Real Microtech Stuff! Whatever that is.

2226: But Innocent Little Kid just had a haircut four weeks ago!

2227: Total Neck-Punch Action! Call in the Rangers!

2228: Lots of hardcore headbanger music and gratuitous martial arts. Caution: needless destruction of coffee tables ahead.

2230: “I need to do some major reverse engineering.”

2233: Gage’s shirt was attacked by a dryer set on HIGH for a little too long. Cordell, you gotta help a brotha out.

2236: What do you think about a soccer mom who’s turning tricks at home? Still no IPEX commercials. But no Dulcolax commercials, either, which is probably a good sign.

2239: Clearly Wo Ping choreographed this scene. That was a total ripoff of Trinity’s cop-kill in The Matrix.

2242: These men are Extremely Dangerous. Deadly Force has been Authorized! The Rangers have a License to Kill!

2245: And I quote: “Oh man. This is bad.” And here I thought “extremely dangerous” was going to be the understatement of the century.

2251: Oh boy, there’s a Medicare commercial. It only took three commercial breaks. And still no IPEX commercials. I think we need to get the Texas Ranger Crime Lab to investigate this.

2254: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2302: “Tucker Carlson” is apparently named “Carlton Cross.”

2309: Random Subplot results in World’s Fastest Prosecution. And even though this guy is apparently dangerous enough not to be released on bail, it’s OK to leave him alone in a room with a CSI.

2311: World’s Smartest 11-Year-Old makes another dramatic understatement: “I don’t think we’re going to find this one on the Internet.”

2315: Bad Guys drive a Hummer H3, which apparently can’t even outrun a 125cc dirtbike. No wonder the General is bankrupt.

2316: Gage is really glad the pool hall informant didn’t give him a name for the strip club. That way, he can go to all of them in his undersized button-down shirt and tie.

2323: Still no IPEX commercials. But what do you think about a soccer mom who’s turning tricks at home?

2327: Quoting my mom, “Is he bulletproof too?” Don’t give ‘em any ideas.

2338: They are bulletproof!

2343: Note to crazy North Koreans: guns still work underwater.

2345: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2351: Didn’t see that one coming. But, uh, what was the point of that subplot again?

2354: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2355: I smell a sequel. In 2008. Stay tuned.

posted by Chris on 16 October 2005 at 2149 in entertainment


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