Paging the Darwin Awards

I can just see how this developed now…

“Hey, look, Jeb, a ‘tater gun!”
“Yeah, Billy Ray! I just done got it over that thar Innernet las’ week. Let’s go shoot us some spuds!”
“Sounds fun, Jeb! I’ll grab that big ol’ sack Maw has under the back porch.”

(15 minutes later, after Billy Ray’s mom’s 20-pound sack of potatoes has been launched somewhere in the general vicinity of the next county and the can of hairspray still hasn’t run out…)

“Hey, Jeb, we shore used up them taters quick. Let’s find some other crap ta shoot!”
“I know, Billy Ray! We can ketch us some frogs an’ see how far THEY go!”
“Great idea, Jeb!”

(They go down to the local creek and snoop around for a few minutes, managing to snag a single frog about the size of a fist and failing to catch about 20 more that are all immediately repelled by the vicious B.O. rays the two boys are emitting.)

“Here, Billy Ray! I GOT one! Awright! Now you hold the gun an’ I’ll load ‘im in.”
“Hey, gimme the Aqua Net, Jeb! I gotta get ‘er ready to fahr!”

(They fill the combustion chamber with hair spray and put the frog in the barrel. The frog, being rather intelligent, unlike our two heroes, tries to get away, preventing a hermetic seal in the barrel.)

“All right! Three…two…one… *click*”
“Hey, what the hell was that, Billy Ray? Nuthin’ happened! You done broke my hunnert-dollar ‘tater gun!”
“Naw, Jeb - the frog’s jes’ stuck in thar. Have a look!”

(As Jeb looks in, the frog, who has been trying quite unsuccessfully to escape, suddenly jumps into the combustion chamber and activates the sparking mechanism. A loud boom follows, and we are suddenly treated to the answer to the joke “What’s blind, wet, red and green all over?” Jeb, of course…)

Potato guns, like most other forms of firearms, are perfectly legal in Texas, so prosecutors are not going to press charges. Apparently, they have completely forgotten that using living creatures as ammunition for said guns is still illegal in all 50 states.

posted by Chris on 18 April 2003 at 1718 in humour

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