Seems the “Smite” Button is Working

Anyone who read The Far Side during its heyday probably remembers the famous “God at His Keyboard” cartoon, where a tremendously old man with a giant white beard sits at a computer keyboard that prominently features a “SMITE” key.

Well, it appears that God’s SMITE key is working just fine.

Red FormanRed Forman Dumbass Rating: Hyde (Dumbass) Hyde (Dumbass) Hyde (Dumbass) Hyde (Dumbass) Hyde (Dumbass)

posted on 31 October 2005 at 2318humour0 commentstrackback

No “Vampire Bats” Coverage

Management regrets to inform Blizza Blizza’s loyal readers that there will be no live coverage of CBS’s latest cinematic masterpiece, Vampire Bats, this evening. Unfortunately, this means that you will not be getting your biannual dose of made-for-CBS Xena Lucy Lawless-y goodness.

(An aside, which is probably almost as important as what I’m about to say in the next paragraph, if not far more so: Vampire Bats is the sequel to Locusts. I am not making this up. Seriously. Is it even possible to make up something that ridiculous? Don’t answer that.)

Fortunately, the grapevine tells me that Shannon Lucio has been added into Category 7: The End of the World at great expense, and at the last minute. Fear not, loyal viewers. This is Big News™ and will be Treated Accordingly™.

Watch this space next Sunday. The End of the World is Coming.

posted on 30 October 2005 at 2118entertainment0 commentstrackback

Putting Out a Book Alert

Attention, readers: should any of you stumble across a copy of either of these books, I would be greatly interested.

But not at the prices some folks are charging on Amazon, thankyouverymuch. That’s ridiculous.

posted on 27 October 2005 at 1724sci-tech0 commentstrackback

Skirting the Naming Issue

OK, enough already.

For about a year, I’ve been able to store an iPod in a Foof.

Now I can put an iPod in a Muff.

Just introduce the Vag and get it over with.

posted on 25 October 2005 at 2321humour0 commentstrackback

One-Liner Responses to Spam Subjects

It’s time for that reader favourite, “One-Liner Responses to Spam Subjects.” The following are all actual subject lines from spam received during the month of October.

View our authentic immitation site.

With my 100% genuine simulated Internet connection?

Improve your Σ

Oh man. My sigma has been really down lately. Please share!

Cute teen gets on top hog

And, presumably, rides around the barnyard on Wilbur. Such a wonderful family scene.

I bring you Greatings.

From the planet Zarxon. Take me to your leader.

{%NAME_FROM} 16:29 3 Re: Rodney’s Story about V

I left the “From” field intact on that one. Spamware broken much?

posted on 25 October 2005 at 2051humour0 commentstrackback

Looking for a Bluetooth Headset

I’m looking for a good Bluetooth headset to use with my fone, primarily in the car. I’d like to avoid spending more than $50 if possible, but if there’s an über-amazing headset out there that lives in my ear canal and gets two years of battery life while maintaining crystal-clear reception in all sorts of situations, I suppose I might be willing to pay more for it.

What’s the best Bluetooth headset under $50? Under $100? Comments below, please.

posted on 25 October 2005 at 1556car1 commentstrackback

Answering More Questions Nobody Asked

I present the Talking Remote Control.

Insert silly jokes about 42 and Guy Noir here.

posted on 24 October 2005 at 2104sci-tech0 commentstrackback

Why Uninformed Op-Ed is Worse Than None at All

Turner’s got an interesting quote — which, unfortunately, is not taken out of context — about the avian flu vaccine situation.

What the WSJ op-ed piece (the source of the quote) didn’t tell you was that “one pharmaceutical company” may have not only accepted that $10/dose discount, but they still made a 200% net profit on it.

I’ve seen how the industry works from my experience working at one of the major pharma companies and in close connection to the industry during my graduate work, and they’re making money hand over fist when they can run a drug through approval. What’s killing them — and what the article touches on all too briefly and with ENTIRELY the wrong attitude — is that, and I quote:

One problem is the Food and Drug Administration, which puts safety above developing rapid cures.

Uh.

Yeah.

That’s what their job is, dummy. Obviously if a drug isn’t safe, it’s not a “rapid cure.” It’s a flawed semi-solution at best and might be more of a problem than the disease it’s intended to cure. Anyone remember the widespread prescription of thalidomide for morning sickness? More recent examples include the newly discovered “Viagra makes you go blind” effect and the enormous mess over COX-2 inhibitors (Celebrex, Vioxx, etc.).

The FDA needs a serious overhaul, but it needs a serious overhaul in the direction away from being a corporate stooge under the auspices of the Federal government, which is what it’s become in the last 30 years.

posted on 24 October 2005 at 0803sci-tech0 commentstrackback

Sleep is a Good Thing

This is why you should always put your laptop to sleep rather than shutting it down.

Especially if you’re going to go study in the University of Michigan’s Law Library.

posted on 21 October 2005 at 0108computing0 commentstrackback

“Walker” Update

In 100% pure Locusts fashion, this blog will be bringing you live updates of the world premiere movie, Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire.

2145: Still waiting for Cold Case to get done. Thank the Broncos and Patriots for that one.

2152: Ruining it for the TiVo users. The best friend killed the black guy on Cold Case. Also, this show is awful. And yes, I fully appreciate the irony of that comment.

2158: Oooh, here it comes. The CBS SUNDAY MOVIE!

2159: Dalls has lots of Tall Buildings. And DaimlerChrylser is still supplying these guys with plenty of vehicles. Dude, that thing’s got a hemi.

2200: Someone alert Joel Fleischman. His girlfriend was kidnapped and is being kept as a slave in a crime lab in Dallas.

2202: Bad Guys always build big Families of Crime and use Catchy Phrases like “Shock and Awe” when giving their pre-crime pep talks.

2203: Seriously, does anyone actually rob banks with big teams of guys and ski masks and automatic weapons any more? Because the only time that ever seems to happen is on CBS. (See also Numb3rs.)

2206: Car crashes do not faze Walker one bit. Because he’s Walker.

2207: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy is Running the Production Line Again!

2208: Fleischman’s girlfriend totally dumped him for a former Dallas Cowboy. What a loser that Joel Fleischman is.

2210: Tucker Carlson Alert! Also, how did nobody notice a briefcase sitting under a random machine in a clean room?

2212: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy is Trying to Make a Phone Call!

2214: Sneaky Defense Contractor Guy messed up. Rule #1 of being a corporate mole: never leave important things in or on someone else’s desk. Also, never be a mole for Triads. They’re like ninjas, but evil.

2217: Who authorised this Chevy commercial? Jürgen Schrempp and Dieter Zetsche, are you guys watching this?

2219: Still no IPEX commercials.

2221: The MacGuffin is totally going to get stolen by Innocent Little Kid, who is Ordering a Pizza. Also, cameraphones are clearly t3h d3v!l.

2222: The MacGuffin is Real Microtech Stuff! Whatever that is.

2226: But Innocent Little Kid just had a haircut four weeks ago!

2227: Total Neck-Punch Action! Call in the Rangers!

2228: Lots of hardcore headbanger music and gratuitous martial arts. Caution: needless destruction of coffee tables ahead.

2230: “I need to do some major reverse engineering.”

2233: Gage’s shirt was attacked by a dryer set on HIGH for a little too long. Cordell, you gotta help a brotha out.

2236: What do you think about a soccer mom who’s turning tricks at home? Still no IPEX commercials. But no Dulcolax commercials, either, which is probably a good sign.

2239: Clearly Wo Ping choreographed this scene. That was a total ripoff of Trinity’s cop-kill in The Matrix.

2242: These men are Extremely Dangerous. Deadly Force has been Authorized! The Rangers have a License to Kill!

2245: And I quote: “Oh man. This is bad.” And here I thought “extremely dangerous” was going to be the understatement of the century.

2251: Oh boy, there’s a Medicare commercial. It only took three commercial breaks. And still no IPEX commercials. I think we need to get the Texas Ranger Crime Lab to investigate this.

2254: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2302: “Tucker Carlson” is apparently named “Carlton Cross.”

2309: Random Subplot results in World’s Fastest Prosecution. And even though this guy is apparently dangerous enough not to be released on bail, it’s OK to leave him alone in a room with a CSI.

2311: World’s Smartest 11-Year-Old makes another dramatic understatement: “I don’t think we’re going to find this one on the Internet.”

2315: Bad Guys drive a Hummer H3, which apparently can’t even outrun a 125cc dirtbike. No wonder the General is bankrupt.

2316: Gage is really glad the pool hall informant didn’t give him a name for the strip club. That way, he can go to all of them in his undersized button-down shirt and tie.

2323: Still no IPEX commercials. But what do you think about a soccer mom who’s turning tricks at home?

2327: Quoting my mom, “Is he bulletproof too?” Don’t give ‘em any ideas.

2338: They are bulletproof!

2343: Note to crazy North Koreans: guns still work underwater.

2345: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2351: Didn’t see that one coming. But, uh, what was the point of that subplot again?

2354: Tucker Carlson Alert!

2355: I smell a sequel. In 2008. Stay tuned.

posted on 16 October 2005 at 2149entertainment0 commentstrackback

Quote of the Day

From an anonymous (unless he chooses to reveal himself) friend over AIM:

(17:47:59) there should be a rule about parents IMing
(17:48:10) my dad IMs me every day with the most meaningless day-to-day crap
(17:48:15) “what are you having for dinner?”
(17:48:39) I mean, I get that my parents love me, blah blah blah, but I have no fucking clue what I’m having for dinner

posted on 16 October 2005 at 1945humour0 commentstrackback

Trojans Pull it Out

Today was a great day for college football. Michigan and Penn State woke up after halftime to fight out a doozy of a game in Ann Arbor (go Blue!). Ohio State served notice to Michigan State that football games last 60 minutes, not 30 (maybe next time, Sparty). And USC held on to a last-second lead on Matt Leinart’s one-yard touchdown run to down the pesky Fighting Irish in South Bend.

But mostly, I just really wanted to use that headline. (Thanks, Eric.)

posted on 15 October 2005 at 1958sports1 commentstrackback

Dumbass of the Day

Blizza Blizza salutes you, Danielle Rivera, Ms. Never-Seen-Animal-Planet TV Watcher. Key quote:

Rivera told a FWC investigator that she was trying to feed an alligator when it bit her hand instead of the food. She said she did not realize it could propel itself out of the water.

Red FormanRed Forman Dumbass Rating: Kelso (Dumbass) Kelso (Dumbass) Kelso (Dumbass)

posted on 12 October 2005 at 2021humour0 commentstrackback

Questions Nobody Asked

Another one from the questions-nobody-ever-bothered-to-ask-because-they-were-just-too-mind-boggling deparment:

In case you were ever wondering the volume contained within the city limits of New Orleans that is below sea level, the answer is about 250 billion gallons.

All 250 billion of those pesky gallons have now been relocated to more appropriate areas, like Lake Ponchartrain and the Gulf of Mexico, at least two weeks ahead of the most optimistic estimates.

posted on 12 October 2005 at 0757sci-tech0 commentstrackback

Unintentional Humour of the Day

A semi truck hit an overpass in Battle Crack today, causing a large traffic tie-up and prompting concerns about the stability of the bridge.

The best part of the story, though, is the photo, which depicts a semi carrying the slogan “Partners for safety”. Absolutely brilliant.

posted on 07 October 2005 at 1434humour0 commentstrackback

This Explains a Lot

An interview with the ultimate insider: Dubya’s speechalist.

posted on 02 October 2005 at 2318humour0 commentstrackback