Blizza Blizza

Great. So while fighting — and losing — the War on Drugs, the War on Osama bin Forgotten, the War on Terror, and the War on Weather, Shrub’s administration has decided it needs a new War to fight.

The War on “Deviant Porn”

Does anyone else think that maybe this is just a cheap excuse for some stodgy FBI agents to liven up their workdays? Sickos.

Definitely Wolverine. Those claws are awesome.

(via Hackaday)

It’s that time of year again.

Arrrrrrr!

“An Open Letter to William Clay Ford, Jr., If I Were a Lions Season Ticket Holder”

Dear Mr. Ford,

I want you to think back for a moment. Back to 1992. Back to when Barry Sanders was still shakin’ and bakin’ opponents all over the field. Back to when I was in fifth grade. Back to the last time the Lions won a playoff game, the only playoff contest in which this franchise has emerged victorious since the 1957 NFC Championship.

Think about that for a moment.

The Detroit Lions have won one playoff game in the Super Bowl era. One. Uno. Ein. Un. One single victory.

Of course, winning a playoff game involves getting to the playoffs in the first place, an occurrence which, if not annual, was at least more likely than not during the tenures of much-maligned Lions head coaches Wayne Fontes and Bobby Ross.

How I long for those days now. Would that we had Scott Mitchell, Erik Kramer, or even Charlie Batch to throw to this crop of oh-so-talented-on-paper receivers that your front office has put together.

Right.

The front office.

About that.

Matt Millen has to go. The man has produced an overall 17-49 record during his long-since worn-out welcome in Detroit, the worst record — as the talking heads on TV seem to enjoy reminding everyone each Sunday — in the NFL over that period of time. His time in this fine town includes an NFL-worst 24-game road losing streak spanning some four years.

“But he’s put together such a great staff,” I hear you protest.

If it were such a great staff, Mr. Ford, you wouldn’t be getting this letter. That he managed to sign the three top receivers — on paper — in the league means nothing. That he managed to bring in one of the most respected coaches — on paper — in the league means nothing.

The Lions are a great team — on paper.

Which is funny, because calling them the “Detroit Paper Tigers” wouldn’t be far off.

Mr. Ford, you need to sit down with Bill Davidson and Joe Dumars, and you need to listen to what they say. They have put together one of the best teams — and I mean that in the truest sense of the word “team” — in NBA history, and they have won. They haven’t always won pretty, and they haven’t always won by a lot, but they’ve won. They’ve brought a championship to Detroit, and they managed to turn around a team that wasn’t even remotely contending for the playoffs inside of five years.

This team hasn’t been a playoff contender in a decade.

What has to happen for the Lions to make a name for themselves?

First, you need to ditch your front-office staff. Millen is incompetent. C’mon, Morning-wood? What was he thinking?

Next, you need to ditch Mooch. I respect what the guy did at San Francisco, but the Lions aren’t the Niners, and Mooch has proven, by virtue of his atrocious record, that he cannot coach what the management is giving him. The Lions survived the Packers last week thanks to a virtuoso performance by the defense, and in spite of Mooch’s dangerously conservative play-calling in the second half.

Finally, Harrington. Three strikes — three atrocious seasons — is plenty. This is strike four. In three seasons plus, Harrington has thrown 51 TDs and 55 picks. His career passer rating is an anemic 67.8. His best year for completion percentage was a weak 56 percent.

Fifty-six percent is fine for a running quarterback like Michael Vick in an offense that doesn’t depend on its receivers for productivity. Fifty-six percent in a West Coast offense that demands production is utterly worthless.

I bought my season tickets to see a professional football team play football. Professionally.

I want my money back.

Bleeding Honolulu Blue,
Chris Lawson
Section 106, Row 35, Seat 12

Here’s a business opportunity that Uncle Rico should perhaps look into.

(via Dave Barry)

How well do you know the area you live in? Kevin Kelly wants to know, and I’m curious too. I scored a 25 (including bonus questions, where I was three out of four) on my first run through without any outside help or Googling.

Anyone else?

Give Matthew Villemure a Darwin Award, please. The 28-year-old died Wednesday after leaping from a dune buggy traveling about 35 MPH near Gulliver, in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

I’m sorry, I just don’t have anything funny to say about that. The dude jumped out of a moving vehicle. C’mon.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Meant to post this last night and forgot. An anonymous Bark River, MI, man is today’s winner. You see, he had a safe stolen out of his home about a month ago during a break-in. He reported the break-in to police, who later captured a suspect and recovered the man’s safe.

They had asked the man what was in his safe when it was reported stolen, and the man dutifully informed them it contained “two guns, two knives, a rangefinder and a silver dollar collection.”

So after recovering the safe, police asked the man to come down to the station so that he could identify the safe and its contents.

Turns out he forgot to tell them it just happened to be filled with a pound of marijuana and $500 cash in addition to the other stuff.

Charges are pending.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Researchers at Penn have developed a prototype backpack that can generate power while the wearer is walking. Pretty cool, especially since it doesn’t weigh appreciably more than a regular backpack and can put out enough current to charge “several” mobile devices at the same time. Sign me up for product testing!

This is why.

Story, and related content on Google News.

I was watching it live during a commercial in the Lions game (Go Lions! We finally won a preseason game!) when it happened, and at first I thought they were trying to be funny.

Then I realised he was serious and NBC was cutting away from him to Chris Tucker as furiously as possible. The way Tucker delivered his script reminded me of the scene in Office Space where Orlando Jones, playing a “reformed crackhead”, tries to sell magazine subscriptions to Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston).

All in all, a very fortuitous time to be watching NBC.