From Snoop Dogg comes this gem:
I’d rather be a pimp than a gang-banger, because I grew up being a gang-banger, and I tell you, you live longer being a pimp.
The next time I hear someone under the age of 100 talk about how old he or she feels, I’m going to pass on this story. A Chechnyan woman appears to be 124 years old, which would make her not only the world’s oldest living person, but the oldest authenticated human in recorded history.
At 124 years old, Ms. Khachukayeva has outlived the tsars, the Bolsheviks, Communism, the Nazis, and every US President since Grant. She has lived through the invention of the telephone, the audio recording, the bicycle, the colour photograph, the video recording, practical electricity, the automobile, the internal combustion engine, the airplane, the rocket, the jet, the electronic computer, and the transistor. She has witnessed the revival of the Olympic Games, the formation of every major professional sports league, two World Wars and countless regional conflicts, the splitting of the atom, the landing of humans on the Moon, the first cloned animals, and the sequencing of the human genome. She was four years old when Krakatoa exploded in 1883, 27 when San Francisco nearly collapsed in the great earthquake of 1906, and 101 when Mt. St. Helens buried the Pacific Northwest in 1980.
You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Scientists in Israel have performed a successful laser-like surgery on rats using only ambient sunlight, concentrated and transmitted through a complex optical system.
I’ll spare you my usual explanation of what “eureka” means and mention only that it’s Greek for “I found it.” Which is definitely true in this case: the fifth 1913 Liberty nickel was found in the closet of the family of the dealer who “lost” it in a car crash in 1962.
One of the four others changed hands in a private transaction yesterday for US$3 million.
Dubya really has a gift for public speaking, I tell you. In a news conference this afternoon addressing the issue of gay marriages, he managed to spit out the following line:
Yes, I am mindful that we’re all sinners…and I caution those who may try to take the speck out of the neighbor’s eye when they’ve got a log in their own.
So how about you stop trying to remove the speck from the eye of homosexuals whilst ignoring the log of illegal war in your own eye?
Remember when you were in elementary school and first learned that fleas could jump something ridiculous, like 150 times their body length? Looks like their crown as kings of the animal jumping world might be seized by the spittle bug. A Cambridge University scientist has used high-speed motion capture to determine that spittle bugs can jump some 70 cm straight up, or roughly the equivalent of a human jumping over a 70-story building.
The Montreal Protocol is finally having an effect. Since CFCs were banned in 1987, the ozone layer has been steadily decreasing, but recent research notes that the rate of ozone depletion has finally reversed itself and begun to slow down. Estimates are that the ozone layer should be back to “normal” by about 2040, but back to pre-1980 levels within 15-20 years.
I can’t even begin to describe how incredibly tasteless and morally wrong I find the idea of a Terror Futures market, or a “Policy Analysis Market” as the Pentagon is euphemistically referring to it.
I think maybe the Bush régime has been reading the Onion too much lately. C’mon, people. This is real life. You can’t do that.
Here’s one to think about: say a very wealthy trader on this so-called “terror futures” market makes a great investment, like buying futures on the assassination of Yassir Arafat at five cents a share with a $1 payoff. What’s to stop this trader from turning his “futures” into a sure thing by paying off a hit man?
The telemarketing powers that be — namely, the American Teleservices Association — have expanded their lawsuit against the US government. The suit claims the national Do-Not-Call registry will “devastate businesses and cost as many as two million jobs.”
Small ethical question: if your job involves harassing and/or disturbing people at inconvenient hours, like the middle of dinner every night, do you have a moral right to continue that job?
Another question: if people hate telemarketing so much, we can safely assume that they won’t buy products that are telemarketed. So why is the industry so concerned that this do-not-call list will devastate businesses? Seems to me the people who sign up for it are the ones who aren’t going to buy a telemarketed product anyway. So the do-not-call list is actually doing the industry a favour by saying “Don’t waste your time calling these people, since they aren’t likely to buy anything you sell them over the phone anyway.”
How the heck can doing the industry a favour be worthy of a lawsuit?
A Japanese company called Takara has created a device that translates dog barks into human phrases. Whether or not it’s worth the $120 is your call, but Walt Mossberg suspects that it isn’t. Somehow, I don’t think anyone’s dog has ever said, “I’ll be contacting my attorney” with a bark, even if dogs do know about attorneys.
And today’s Song of the Day is…Raining on the Sky, by Naked, from their self-titled 1997 debut. The oft-paraphrased comment that this song is “love in music form” couldn’t be truer. The version I’ve been listening to is from WGRD’s Bootleg ‘98 CD, a collection of live in-studio acoustic recordings of several bands that were the kings of alternative rock in the late 1990s.
ATTENTION ALL MALE READERS:
Go beat off. Now. Here, I’ll even give you some material to work with:
Persian Kitty
Tommy’s Bookmarks
Green Guy
It’ll help your prostate stay clear of carcinogenic chemicals.
Google News has a host of other stories on this topic as well. Some of them are pretty darn funny.
Microsoft and Dell, the bastions of privacy and security in the computer industry, have won a $90 million contract to supply the Department of Homeland Security with computers and software.
Great. So now all the terrorists have to do is be sure to launch an e-mail virus or two the night before they attack, and no one at the entire department will be able to do anything with their computers whilst the terrorists are attacking the country.
How much did the Sweaty Monkey promise Dubya’s 2004 re-election campaign to pull off this travesty?
Man U thinks highly enough of Tim Howard to not only sign him to a four-year contract, but speculate that he has a very good shot at becoming the starting keeper at Old Trafford, ahead of longtime veteran (and French national team star) Fabien Barthez.
In honour of the release of Disney’s Pirates of the Carribean, I offer you these groaners:
Did you hear what Pirates of the Carribean is rated?
Aaarrgh! (Thanks, Cathy.)
Ah, but do you know why?
Because of all the booty!
What do they charge pirates to get their ears pierced?
Aaarrgh! Buccaneer! (Thanks, Kim.)
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender hands him the drink and says, “I couldn’t help but notice that there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your pants.” The pirate responds, “Aaarrgh! It’s driving me nuts!”
Thank you, thank you. I’ll be in town until Tuesday. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
Oh yeah, and don’t forget the pirate keyboard.
Those of you who are “experienced” will probably remember that grocery stores tend to make “personal hygiene” items rather ambiguous on cash register receipts. Comdoms, for instance, usually register as “lubricant,” and that sort of thing. I bought some more anti-dandruff shampoo this evening at Meijer and watched in great amusement as the following line appeared on the checkout display and on my receipt:
DANDRUFF 38151513900 2.94
Three bucks seems kinda pricey for a bottle of someone else’s dead skin, if you ask me.
Bill Walsh has a great bit on The Slot about why the comma of direct address (you know, like “Hi, Bob!”) is absolutely necessary.
According to CNN, Comical Ali, more properly known as Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister, was sighted landing in Abu Dhabi, in the United Arab Emirates.
Rumours that the White House is attempting to hire him as Mike McCurry’s replacement are entirely unsubstantiated.
…who swallowed a fly/I don’t know why she swallowed a fly/Perhaps she’ll die.
Remember that one? Yeah, well, an Israeli woman didn’t.
I’m not sure what’s scarier - that she swallowed a large cockroach, or that she thought going after it with a salad fork was a good idea. Me, well, hey, the roach is already down - you did the hard part. Just leave it be and let your stomach go to work. Forks don’t digest as well, and they hurt like a sonofabitch going down.
As a participant in several online discussion groups, I found this speech on social psychology to be fascinating. I highly recommend anyone who’s a member of any large social group give it a read.
This one comes to you tonight courtesy of a 1970s article in Tetrahedron Letters, wherein the author of the paper refutes a claim made by an earlier author by saying:
We find these assertions to be incompatible with reality.
Yeah, really. Hey, I was pretty impressed.
Brookfield, Ill. - James Harrison and Lester Edwards, Brookfield Middle School honor roll students and recently-exposed Al Qaeda “sleeper” operatives, were arrested under the Patriot Act Wednesday when the CIA and FBI’s Echelon eavesdropping system overheard Harrison suggest to Edwards that they “blow this pop stand.” Nothing resembling a so-called “pop stand” has been found in the area, and authorities are now combing nearby Chicago suburbs for targets matching this description. Meanwhile, the states of Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and England have been placed on Full Magenta Alert Status, prompting residents to do absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, blithely ignorant of the enormous threat to their safety and well-being that was narrowly averted yesterday.
“Quite frankly, I’m relieved to have yet another rag-head threat to personal liberty safely behind bars in Guantanamo,” said George Tenet, director of the CIA, at a press conference earlier. “Let this be a lesson to all sand niggers that your ‘sleeper cells’ of terrorists will be rooted out and their enemy combatants held without stated cause outside U.S. shores in barnyard-like accomodations until we feel damn good and ready to think about the possibility that we might, some day, charge them with a crime. But maybe not. We’ll see what our lawyers think we can get away with, by which we mean we write the laws and you mere citizens have to follow them, by God, or we’ll make Dubya educate your children personally.” Tenet then turned from the microphone and ran back into the building under a hail of rotten vegetables.
“What he said,” stated British Prime Minister Tony Blair. “Being the obedient lap dog of an illegitimately appointed President sure makes me opinionated! Down with Iraq! Yay for Bush!”
The boys’ families were not available for comment, but a loud wailing sound was heard coming from the general area of the Burkhart subdivision, where the two boys had been enjoying their summer vacation. The ACLU expects the boys’ case to come before the Supreme Court sometime after their 40th birthdays, at which time the ultra-conservative majority put in place by Congress’s blanket approval of George W. Bush’s appointees will immediately throw it out on its ear, citing the Constitutional clause giving the Supreme Court the Right to Appoint Presidents, Imprison Arabs, and Thumb its Nose at the Other Two Branches of Government.
I’m sitting here struggling along on a 9600 bps Bluetooth connection to my fone, just trying to check my e-mail, and STUPID FUCKING MORONS HAVE TO GO GET INFECTED WITH FUCKING VIRUSES AND SEND ME 500 FUCKING KILOBYTE ATTACHMENTS THAT I HAVE TO FUCKING DOWNLOAD FIVE FUCKING TIMES BECAUSE GETTING INFECTED THE FIRST FUCKING TIME WASN’T ENOUGH FUCKING FUN.
The worst part is the braindead “anti-virus” e-mail gateways that think it’s a really fucking smart idea to send messages like “Your message failed to get through” with the attachment STILL ATTACHED to the e-mail address FAKED IN THE HEADERS OF THE VIRUS-LADEN E-MAIL. Yeah, got one of those too. Doesn’t it seem a little stupid to you that a so-called “anti-virus” product would actually participate in SPREADING THE VIRUS? Gee, not that doing such a thing would increase sales of anti-virus software or anything…
Someone’s head is going to roll. Hoo, boy. Wait until I get back to Michigan…
Maybe I’m in the minority, but when I go to the movies, I don’t expect to be beaten about the head with the morals the movie is trying to teach. In the case of Legally Blonde 2, that means I don’t care if Elle Woods manages to win a victory on behalf of the “helpless” and “voiceless” animals used in cosmetics testing by utilising her “feminine charms” and “girl power” to do, well, whatever the heck it was she did.
See, I’m all for women accomplishing important stuff. I’d be the first in line to vote for a female president. But I have to wonder what a movie like this is trying to teach teenage girls in America. Is the point that you can be cute, skinny, and successful whilst still appearing to be a complete ditz to anyone who happens to run into you on the street? If so, it begs the question: why on Earth would you want to appear to be such a ditz in the first place? Some people will probably accuse me of missing the whole point of the movie, which I readily admit: I don’t get this movie. Sure, it’s a clean way to waste two hours with teenaged daughters/sisters/cousins/whatever, but for my dad’s $15, I think my cousin and I could have found better entertainment.
Oh, and Bob Newhart is completely wasted in his role as a doorman at a major Washington hotel. There was so much more the producers could have done with his character.
Yeah, so I talked to Art Moehn’s service department today.
I wish I hadn’t.
Apparently, the broken water pump caused the timing belt to stretch — whether they’re directly related or if the overheating caused it, I don’t know — which caused (probably — they won’t know until they get into the engine) the pistons to tap the valves.
So I need a new cylinder head, new valves, a new timing belt, a new water pump, and a really really big fucking shotgun. And $3000. The shotgun is for the heads of the various service department MORONS at Howard Cooper — see previous entry — and M&M Honda in Kalamazoo, where we had our 90,000 mile service, and they MENTIONED THE WATER PUMP WOULD PROBABLY NEED REPLACING BUT DIDN’T OFFER US THE OPTION OF DOING IT AT THE TIME.
Did I mention water pumps cost all of $60? Sixty lousy fuckin dollars. You know where I’d like to stick that sixty bucks right now?
I smell a lawsuit. No, really. I smell a lawsuit. Anyone know a good lawyer I can talk to?