Blizza Blizza

The Detroit Lions, according to safety Terrence Holt, are “close to winning” an NFL game.

In other news, Lions president Matt Millen is almost competent to run an NFL franchise, and Millen’s biggest draft bust, former Lions wide receiver Charles Rogers, is close to signing a five-year deal as a waterboy for the Berlin Thunder, where he is anticipated to be marginally more successful than as a wide receiver in the real NFL. Current Lions wide receiver (and legendary draft bust in the making) Mike Williams has one foot nearly out the door of head coach Rod Marinelli’s doghouse, and could play as many as two snaps in next week’s game against the Rams in St. Louis.

Former Lions quarterback and fellow Millen-era draft bust Joey Harrington, now the tenth-string quarterback for the Miami Swimming Mammals, was quoted as saying, “I’m close to caring.”

Film at 11. Or close to it, anyway.

A 45-year-old man has been arrested for indecent exposure and sexual delinquency after sitting on benches along the Kal-Haven Trail and exposing himself to passersby.

Yaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! In honour of International Talk Like a Pirate Day and the ongoing feud between ninjas and pirates, Blizza Blizza is proud to present a discussion of the relative merits of the two schools of combat.

Pirates fly the Jolly Roger, an awesome flag. Ninjas fly. Advantage: push.

Ninjas flip out and kill whole towns because somebody dropped a spoon. No pirate has ever or could ever do that. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have the coolest language. No ninja ever said the words “booty,” “wench,” or “Avast!” Advantage: pirates.

Ninjas are experts at flipping out and killing people, sometimes taking on as many as several hundred enemies at once. Pirates attack in a large group, taking on weaker foes. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates, on the other hand, can fight — and win — with only one eye, one-and-a-half legs, one hand, a hook, and a parrot on their shoulder. Ninjas require all limbs and good vision to be effective. Advantage: pirates.

Pirates get Keira Knightley. Ninjas get…Bruce Lee? Advantage: pirates, big time.

However, ninjas get to pork babes so hot that steam comes out of the babes’ hair and/or ears. Pirates get…Kiera Knightley. Nobody wants sloppy seconds. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have cool names involving the colour of their facial hair. Ninjas are anonymous. Advantage: pirates.

Chuck Norris, despite his beard and occasional limp, is clearly a ninja. Since nobody has ever defeated Chuck Norris… Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates have cannon, pistols, guns, and swords. Ninjas bring a bo staff and numchucks to a gun fight. Advantage: pirates.

Ninjas have good teeth. Pirates have wooden dentures. British wooden dentures. Advantage: ninjas.

Pirates sail ships anywhere they please on the high seas, pillaging at will. A ninja’s primary mode of transportation is his own two feet. Advantage: pirates.

Pirates had their heyday in the 1600s. Ninjas are upstairs, right now, waiting to kill you silently in your sleep with a toothbrush. Advantage: ninjas.

Either Chuck Norris (obviously), Bruce Lee, or Jackie Chan could take on Jack Sparrow and his entire crew, all at once, with one hand, while simultaneously impregnating Jack’s girlfriend with ninja triplets, in their sleep. Advantage: ninjas.

Ninjas wail on jet-red guitars so hard that it makes pirates’ boners explode with a whistling sound. Pirates play primitive musical instruments and sing poorly, destroying boners in a less spectacular (but similarly effective) fashion. Advantage: push.

Courtesy of the Department of Hitting You Over the Head with the Blindingly Obvious:

Strip clubs appeal nude dance ban

Well, yeah. What’d you expect them to do, applaud it?

I have completed the upgrade to Movable Type 3.32. Please ping me if you find anything broken.

A 69-year-old California man was arrested Wednesday after authorities discovered him at a horse farm wearing nothing but olive oil and oats and being licked by the horses.

Apparently Alfred Thomas Steven had long harboured a fantasy of having oats licked off his naked body by horses. Since no one asked the horses how they felt about licking oily oats off a big white wrinkly body with its loose skin and old balls, Mr. Steven has been cited for sexually assaulting an animal, among other things.

(via Dave Barry)

Jon Jansen, former University of Michigan offensive lineman, now playing with the Washington Redskins in the NFL, when asked to clarify his statement last week that “maybe 15, 20 percent” of NFL players use illegal performance-enhancing substances:

[W]hat [I] meant was that it was a small number of players, and being a football player, [I’m] not really good at math.

I swear I am not making this up.

Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen was arrested August 24th after driving through a burger joint drive-through naked.

Seven days later, he was arrested for a DUI.

I’ll give it a couple weeks longer before he gets arrested with midget hookers, anal beads, and a gay porn tape.

Omed Aziz just had to go for a drive. He had been injured in a bomb attack in his native Iraq, and he wanted some semblance of normalcy to return to his life in England. So he put on his sunglasses, ignored the severe tremors in his legs, pretended he wasn’t missing several fingers, and strained against his near-deafness to hear what his passenger was saying.

Which was important, because his passenger was serving as his navigator.

You see, Aziz also lost his eyes in that explosion.

No, I’m not kidding.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel

Amazing.

In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

Guess my ticker’s down to about 14 now. I just had a submission posted on Dave Barry’s blog.

This is a subject on which I have written thrice before, largely to condemn my fellow citizens for their unwillingness to serve their civic duty.

Apparently at least one judge agrees with me. A former Howell resident (now living in Flint) who was called up for jury duty, shirked it, and was then found in contempt of court for having done so was ordered by a judge to spend three days observing a trial and then write a paper on the history of jury service.

He plagiarised it.

Even better, the judge recognised it and called him on it. He is now spending a fourth day at the courthouse and re-writing the paper.

Brandon Dickens, you are a real winner.

UPDATE: In an interesting twist, the plagiarised paper was based off Matthew Baldwin’s “Trials and Tribulations” piece for The Morning News. Baldwin is the author of the “Defective Yeti” blog, which I read regularly and find to be hilarious.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

I know that a sports agent’s job is to be an advocate for his clients, and to present his clients in the best light possible so as to maximise the payoff they receive for their services, but there’s a fine line between promotion and Iraqi Information Minister-level hyperbole.

Charles Rogers, the number two overall draft pick in the 2003 NFL draft, was cut today by the Detroit Lions. His agent, Kevin Poston, told the Associated Press, “I’m sure teams will be contacting us. [Rogers is] a 25-year-old receiver with a lot of talent.”

So much talent, in fact, that he was cut by a team that, by any measure, has been one of the worst teams in professional football over the last 10 years. As they say, “We find these assertions to be incompatible with reality.”

Best of luck in NFL Europe, Chuck.

UPDATE: The Freep’s Drew Sharp agrees with me.

OK, West Brookfield. But what kind of a groom gets so drunk he a) gets arrested at his own wedding reception and b) gets a restraining order filed against him by his new bride?

Oh. Right. Deric Gendron. Of course.

(via Dave Barry)