Blizza Blizza

Today’s doubleheader between the Tigers and Yankees was the first time since 1961 that the teams met both having records of 25 games or more over .500.

Yes, it’s been 45 years since the Tigs and Yanks were both that good this late in the year.

ABC wins the award this time:

Dangerous John Coming Closer to Mexico

An Allen Park police officer is recovering from injuries suffered when his car was slammed into him by a teenage driver distracted by sending a text message on his cell phone.

Yes, really. As Dave Barry is so fond of saying, a Florida driver’s licence is on its way.

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

I have jury duty tomorrow morning. For those newer readers, here’s a synopsis of what happened last time I got to take time off of…doing whatever it was that I was doing.

If that happens again, I’m going to be super pissed, because this time I actually have to miss work on the day of a student’s checkride, on a day I could be doing my 141 check in the Cirrus, and three days before another student’s checkride.

I’m gonna break some heads if I actually get selected for a jury. They wouldn’t be in court if they weren’t guilty, would they?

Garland woman drives car through home

Key quote:

Sitting next to what used to be her kitchen, she sipped a Natural Light and smoked a cigarette to calm her nerves.

Classy. Amazingly classy.

(via Dave Barry)

The syllogistic logic of John Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister of Great Britain (who may have, in fact, been channeling a famous professor of logic in addition to Mike Myers):

Premise: If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!
Premise: The Middle East peace process is being handled by George Bush, who not only does not represent Scotland, but is not even a little Scottish.

Logical conclusion: Dubya’s idea of a peace process is crap!

Stab him in the winky (WMV video link of the TV station’s interview with the police chief) as he’s trying to beat the living shit out of you.

(via Dave Barry)

A Madison, Wisconsin, mother has been charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor and attempted armed robbery after helping her 13-year-old son pick out a robbery victim.

(via Dave Barry)

Introducing a new category (the name refers to a Simpsons comic book scene) here at the blog are the following two stories of people who are almost certainly Classier Than You Could Ever Hope To Be:

A single mother of a 15-year-old girl in Muskegon, Michigan, has been charged with child abuse after coming to an arrangement with her daughter to provide sexual satisfaction to the mother’s boyfriend while the mother recuperated from surgery.

Meanwhile, former Ohio State (Buck the Fuckeyes!) running back-turned-NFL-draft-bust-turned-common-street-thug Maurice Clarett was arrested and Maced by police in Ohio after a prolonged police chase. Officers initially attempted to use a stun gun on Clarett, but it was ineffective due to Clarett’s bulletproof vest. Inside Clarett’s SUV, police found four loaded guns. Oh yeah, and he was arrested near the home of a witness scheduled to testify against him in his upcoming aggravated robbery trial.

As he famously said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

Guess that explains how the “Tornado” goofs can claim 100,000 satisfied customers. That’s only 10 weeks’ worth of suckers, after all!

Larvae on a Bike, specifically this photo.

(via Dave Barry)

From the God of Gonzo himself, Hunter S. Thompson, comes the brilliant piece of prose entitled “Song of the Sausage Creature”.

(via Jalopnik)