Blizza Blizza

If you are high on crack, drinking alcohol, and driving around lost without a valid license, the last person you should ask for directions is probably...a police officer.

Of course, this is only a hop, skip, and jump away from the lady who set her husband's go-kart on fire after they watched a Jennifer Lopez movie, so maybe we shouldn't be all that surprised.

(Hat tip to Dave Barry for both links.)

Red Forman Dumbass Rating:

In what is easily one of the top five best local news stories of the year, a man has been arrested for trying to steal a hemostat from a hospital "to pluck [his] nose hairs".

Police have also released a mug shot.

A 20-year-old babysitter in Granite City, Illinois, has been charged with pimping after sharing in the $140 a 12-year-old girl in her care was paid for sex the babysitter arranged for the girl to have with a 48-year-old man.

Has Illinois reinstated the death penalty yet?

Eric Sarkkinen, you win the prize for not only "hitting on children" (in the sexual sense, not the beating-them-up sense) but for doing it while drinking and driving and with that amazing look on your face.

Who wants to bet Eric has a MySpace ("A Place for Child Molesters") profile?

The 35-year-old mother who allowed her 14-year-old daughter to seduce men online and then have sex with them in their family apartment will serve two years on probation and pay a $500 fine under the terms of a sentence handed down yesterday.

Granted, the daughter was the one doing the dirty deed, but at some point, parents bear responsibility for the actions of their children, especially when those actions are getting the children (the daughter, I might remind you, had two miscarriages and is pregnant a third time) or other people in trouble (the two men who impregnated the daughter have been charged with sex offenses of their own). Somehow, I don't think two years on probation and $500 is a stiff enough penalty to ensure this doesn't happen again. How about sentencing her to be sterilized? (Wouldn't hurt to have the daughter fixed, either.)

Nicholas Alley, the man who helped the cops track down the lady who offered her seven-year-old daughter for pornographic photos and sex is now being arraigned on charges of "using a computer to arrange sexual meetings with minors". Police found two computers, child pornography, and a taser in his home and say that Alley may face additional charges.

Can we throw them both in the Detroit River wearing concrete shoes, please?

A 26-year-old mother is in jail after encouraging her nine-year-old daughter (yes, that means she had a child at the ripe old ready-to-take-parental-responsibility age of 15) to get back on the school bus and fight another student. Way to go, Shayla. Let's hope your daughter doesn't follow your example.

A Macomb County, Michigan woman is in the hoosegow after police discovered she was allowing strange men to have sex with her 14-year-old daughter in their apartment. The daughter was posing as an 18-year-old on MySpace (Official Motto: "A Place for Child Molesters") and attracting all manner of classy adult men. Two of the men got the daughter pregnant -- both ended in miscarriage -- and she is now pregnant a third time. Her two latest "conquests" are also in the slammer, charged with third-degree criminal sexual conduct.

A 33-year-old Michigan woman has been charged with, well, something related to her attempt to offer the sexual services of her seven-year-old daughter to an undercover investigator. She is being held on $1m bond and faces up to 20 years in prison. Isn't this a situation where capital punishment would be more appropriate?

The University of Florida published a study recently indicating that microwaving sponges would kill common bacteria. The news media and general public, however, largely failed to note that the sponges had to be wet.

The home of the Gators has received a bunch of complaints from irate...uhm, "scientific-minded members of the public" who managed to destroy sponges, stink up their houses, and damage their microwaves -- after sticking dry sponges in the microwave.

Genius.

There once were two girls in Woonsocket
Suspended for starting a rocket
Their moms drove them to school
Where they broke every rule
And all four are now on the court's docket.

(via Dave Barry, taking certain poetic licence and revising my earlier limerick posted there)

I challenge anyone to read Drivl's answers to Slate's unanswered questions and come away with any conclusion other than that Slate's readers are blithering idiots. Choice examples:

Hello ... Could you tell me if there's been any kind of medical discovery in the last 30 years besides DNA.

as well as

PYGMIES: How/when/where/still in existence/do we mate with them?

I swear I am not making this up. Humanity may well be doomed.

A 45-year-old man has been arrested for indecent exposure and sexual delinquency after sitting on benches along the Kal-Haven Trail and exposing himself to passersby.

A 69-year-old California man was arrested Wednesday after authorities discovered him at a horse farm wearing nothing but olive oil and oats and being licked by the horses.

Apparently Alfred Thomas Steven had long harboured a fantasy of having oats licked off his naked body by horses. Since no one asked the horses how they felt about licking oily oats off a big white wrinkly body with its loose skin and old balls, Mr. Steven has been cited for sexually assaulting an animal, among other things.

(via Dave Barry)

Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen was arrested August 24th after driving through a burger joint drive-through naked.

Seven days later, he was arrested for a DUI.

I'll give it a couple weeks longer before he gets arrested with midget hookers, anal beads, and a gay porn tape.

OK, West Brookfield. But what kind of a groom gets so drunk he a) gets arrested at his own wedding reception and b) gets a restraining order filed against him by his new bride?

Oh. Right. Deric Gendron. Of course.

(via Dave Barry)

Garland woman drives car through home

Key quote:

Sitting next to what used to be her kitchen, she sipped a Natural Light and smoked a cigarette to calm her nerves.

Classy. Amazingly classy.

(via Dave Barry)

Stab him in the winky (WMV video link of the TV station's interview with the police chief) as he's trying to beat the living shit out of you.

(via Dave Barry)

A Madison, Wisconsin, mother has been charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor and attempted armed robbery after helping her 13-year-old son pick out a robbery victim.

(via Dave Barry)

Introducing a new category (the name refers to a Simpsons comic book scene) here at the blog are the following two stories of people who are almost certainly Classier Than You Could Ever Hope To Be:

A single mother of a 15-year-old girl in Muskegon, Michigan, has been charged with child abuse after coming to an arrangement with her daughter to provide sexual satisfaction to the mother's boyfriend while the mother recuperated from surgery.

Meanwhile, former Ohio State (Buck the Fuckeyes!) running back-turned-NFL-draft-bust-turned-common-street-thug Maurice Clarett was arrested and Maced by police in Ohio after a prolonged police chase. Officers initially attempted to use a stun gun on Clarett, but it was ineffective due to Clarett's bulletproof vest. Inside Clarett's SUV, police found four loaded guns. Oh yeah, and he was arrested near the home of a witness scheduled to testify against him in his upcoming aggravated robbery trial.