Dumbass of the Day

Not in Florida, but right here in West Michigan:

Man’s car goes on automatic pilot in Leroy

It seems a local genius — and we here at the blog use the word “genius” very liberally — decided, after becoming thoroughly lost on two-lane back roads and sliding off into a field, the only way to free his car from the mud in which it was stuck was by placing a toolbox on the accelerator pedal and getting out to push the car.

Kinda like the ghetto cruise control Bill Paxton used on his old yellow Dodge in Twister, except this guy was, at the risk of repeating myself, standing behind the car while doing this.

Needless to say, as soon as the car broke free and gained traction, off it drove, across the road, through a soybean field, over a small hill, and into a large tree at 100 MPH.

Red FormanRed Forman Dumbass Rating: Eric (Dumbass) Eric (Dumbass) Eric (Dumbass)

posted on 31 December 2005 at 1542humour0 commentstrackback

Year in Review: Dumbasses of the Day

From the St. Petersburg Times, via Dave Barry:

The Big Squeeze

Each and every one of these individuals gets at least Three Dumbasses. Many were featured on the blog at one time or another over the past 365 days. Enjoy your 15 minutes of infamy, folks. Maybe it’ll take the sting out of prison.

posted on 31 December 2005 at 1523humour0 commentstrackback

Best Summer Vacation Ever

Take one old couch, two mountain bikes, some steel tubing, and a welder, and add a bit of ingenuity and a desire to see the Maritime Provinces in Canada, and you get the couch bike, which is quite possibly the coolest way to spend a summer break I’ve ever seen.

Rock on, guys.

posted on 29 December 2005 at 2331sci-tech1 commentstrackback

Don’t Stuff Beans Up Your Nose

The state of Michigan has just banned alcohol vapourisers.

Of course, until I read that news story, I had no idea there even was such a thing, or that you could get drunk by inhaling alcohol vapour. Now I kinda want to try it.

On Wikipedia, that would be a huge violation of WP:BEANS. Was this really that big of a problem before they outlawed the machines? You might as well ban kegs, since we all know kegs lead to frat parties and peeing on cars. Sheesh.

posted on 27 December 2005 at 1844sci-tech0 commentstrackback

I Pity The Foo

Who came up with the idea for this video.

Somewhere, Mr. T is silently pitying his agent, who now has a giant mohawk imprint in his chest.

posted on 13 December 2005 at 2226humour2 commentstrackback

Speaking of Taxpayers’ Money

Another project I didn’t see in the job description for elected officials: naming the 1985 Chicago Bears the best football team ever.

posted on 08 December 2005 at 2308politix0 commentstrackback

9-1-1, Can You Hold?

From the whiskey-tango-foxtrot file:

I was driving to lunch from the airport today when I noticed a large (50-lb or so) bag of concrete mix in the right-hand lane. I figured I should probably call the police and let them know, and since I didn’t know the number, I dialed 9-1-1. The following is a reasonably accurate (i.e., I’m really not kidding about this) transcript of what happened:

*Ring*
*Ring*
*Ring*
*Ring*
*Click* “You have reached 9-1-1 emergency services. All operators are currently busy, but if you’ll stay on the line, your call will be taken in the order it was received.”

I got 9-1-1’s friggin’ on-hold message. Yes, that’s right, 9-1-1 has an on-hold message.

So I hung up. Not all that important, and I was at Quiznos, so whatever.

Five minutes later my fone rang.

“Hello?”
“Yes, this is the Battle Creek Police. Someone called 9-1-1 from this number and then hung up.”

So I explained the situation and they said they’d send someone out to look at it.

I still can’t believe 9-1-1 has an on-hold message. And on-hold music, I suspect.

posted on 08 December 2005 at 2003general1 commentstrackback

Dumbass of the Day

Jessica Booth (no relation to John Wilkes, at least as far as we know), of Memphis, TN, wins the award for her absolutely genius plan to whack four of her fellow Memphisians so that she could steal a giant block of cocaine.

Except the “cocaine” turned out to be queso fresco cheese, and the hit man she hired turned out to be an undercover five-oh, and Ms. Booth is now in jail on four counts of attempted murder and four counts of soliciting a murder.

Red FormanRed Forman Dumbass Rating: Bob (Dumbass) Bob (Dumbass) Bob (Dumbass) Bob (Dumbass)

(via Dave Barry)

posted on 07 December 2005 at 2108humour0 commentstrackback

Caution: Congress At Work

Congress is going to be holding hearings about the BCS. For the second time.

Did anyone else see “investigate the workings of collegiate athletics” in Congress’s job description? I think I missed that memo.

posted on 02 December 2005 at 2124sports0 commentstrackback