You Broke My WHAT?

Remember the really stupid maintenance guys?

They struck again. I came home last night to find my apartment locked only by its deadbolt (I normally lock both the knob lock and the deadbolt). “OK,” I thought. “No big deal. The Maintenance Man From Hell has been at it again, and forgot to lock the bottom lock.” Had I been paying more attention at the time, I would have remembered that the maintenance guys always lock the bottom lock, and always forget to lock the deadbolt back. I didn’t think anything of it until I was leaving for class an hour and a half later. I tried to lock the door on the way out - it has one of those little twist plunger things that are so common on medium-security doors - and couldn’t. I tried again, and discovered that not only could I not twist the plunger, but I couldn’t even push it in, and it was sticking out about half an inch farther than usual, like someone gave it Doorknob Viagra.

This was Not Good(tm). I pushed and I pulled and I pushed and I pulled and the evil little piggy living inside the doorknob just laughed at me for trying to collapse his evil little brass house, which was clearly beyond my capabilities. Being somewhat familiar with the inner workings of doorknobs, I was unfazed by this minor setback, and got out a screwdriver and went to work.

Ten minutes later, I had the thing apart. Try this at home, kiddies: find a doorknob whose lock operates on this pluger mechanism. They’re really common. Borrow a friend’s house if your house doesn’t have one. Take the doorknob itself off, but leave the rest of it intact. Look at the metal sleeve the plunger fits into. Now, I ask you…


No, really. Who IS this maintenance guy? Jesse “The Body” fucking Ventura? I’ve decided I never want to shake hands with anyone who can abuse a doorknob that badly whilst trying to lock it. He’d break every bone in my hand!

I told the building manager that the maintenance guy broke my doorknob. Or, more correctly, I told his wife to pass the message on, because he wasn’t in at the time. She said they’d fix it “tomorrow.” Guess what I found when I came home from the lab this afternoon?

Yep, the same broken doorknob. I love my landlord.

posted by Chris on 18 March 2003 at 1650 in apartment

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